Last Sunday I picked up a girl at the mall. My first pickup. I am not quite sure how it happened, but I wrote down everything that was said between the two of us so that you all can analyze what happened. Please enjoy
The Aspie Pickup
It was Sunday evening. The mall was due to close in thirty minutes. I had stopped by for the simple purpose of getting a snack from a small cookie stand that I liked to patronize from time to time. On my way there, I was beckoned by a girl who wanted me to smell some perfume or other. I casually turned to the side and said, “no thank you.” I then turned and continued on my way. She then called after me, saying: “hey can I show you something?” I turned to look at her as she walked up to me. She was of dark complexion, with long curly dark hair, tall, about 5’8”, and had an accent. I said “ok.” She smiled and took me by the arm and led me over to her stand, which stood in the middle of the mall isle. It was a modest square stand, which was stocked by a variety of beauty products you would expect to find at a spa. She brought me close up to it, and stood right in front of me. She then began a sales pitch that went as follows:
Her: “You have pretty green eyes. What is your name?”
Me: (I pause, a little disconcerted at the moment) “John. Where are you form?”
Her: “I just came here from Israel.”
Me: “Are you a Jew?”
Her: “Yes. Why did you want to know where I was from?’
Me: “You asked me my name.”
Her: “Oh, well my name is Julie (extending her hand).”
I shook her hand, not thinking much of what I was doing. I was then surprised to see her expression change from one of sudden discomfort, to one of sudden pain.
Julie: “Ahh, ouch! You have to remember I’m a girl!”
Apparently I don’t know my own strength. Or else you are not supposed to shake a girl’s hand the same way you do a guy's.
Julie: “How old are you?”
Me: “Twenty one”
Julie: “Really? You look, older. Do you have any special ladies in your life?”
Me: “Yea, I have a project”
Julie: “Project?’
Me: “Yea, you see there is this beautiful girl from Micronesia. I am afraid she may be too old for me. Well, I don’t think she is, but I am worried she may think so.”
Julie: “Oh ok. Well let me show you something.”
She takes my hand and picks up a small, blue, plastic object with a course, strip of something white on the top.
Julie: “Do you believe in magic?”
Me: “No”
Julie: “No?”
Me: “Are you a cabbalist?”
Julie: “Yea, kind of, now…”
Me: “Do you read the cabbala?”
Julie: “No.”
Me: “Then you’re not a cabbalist.”
Julie: “Well I don’t read the bible either, but I am still a Jew. Now let me show you this.”
She then proceeds to rub the course white strip, whatever it’s made of, against the nail of the index finger of my right hand. After a few seconds she stops, leaving me with an index finger with a rather shiny nail.
Julie: “Voila!”
I just stood there a second, looking curiously at my finger which had a nail I could clearly see my reflection in.
Julie: “What do you think?”
Me: “Looks like a girls nail.”
Julie: “You don’t like it?”
Me: "Might look good on a girl.”
Julie: “You look so serious, smile!”
She then turns to her stand, looking for something. I put my hands in my pockets as she does this. When she turns, she has a wet wipe in her hands.
Julie: “You are so rigid (straitening herself up and looking tough, in imitation of the defensive posture she perceived me as having)!”
Me: “What are you going to do now?”
Julie: “Just watch!”
She then rubs the wipe against my nail.
Julie: “That is to show you that nail polish remover can not take it off. Now watch this.”
She then reaches for another wipe and small drop bottle, the kind you would use for eye drops. As she is squirting out a few of the drops onto the wipe, she turns to me:
Julie: “You are looking at me like you are amazed!”
She then rubs the wipe against my nail.
Julie: “This is oil for the cuticle. It will help keep the skin healthy and strong.”
She then goes into a short description of the product that includes all these things. She shows me a few more things from the product. I will leave out the details.
Julie: “So does this sound like something you might want?”
Me: “So you think if I do this to myself that girl will like me?”
Julie: “You can get it for yourself or her. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Me: “I Have three sisters.”
Julie: “Younger or older?”
Me: “Younger. Jews have big families don’t they?”
Julie: “Uh, yea they do. I have two brothers and sisters. Has you’re mother been to a spa before?”
Me: “Yes she has, a while ago. We got her some gift certificates to a spa and she went a while ago, but she hasn’t been in a while.”
Julie: “Do you want to know how much this costs?”
Me: “How much?”
Julie: “A million dollars, but with no tax.”
Me: “You’re whacked”
Julie: “Huh?
Me: “You’re just whacked.”
Julie: “It is $64.95 for one, and I will give you an extra one.”
Me: “Why, because I’m hot?
Julie: “Well, um…”
Me: “What, you don’t think I’m hot?”
Julie: “You are hot. Remember I said you had pretty green eyes. I said that before I said anything else.”
Me: “Actually they’re hazel.”
Julie: “Huh?”
Me: “they’re hazel”
Julie: (looking at another girl working the stand) “what is hazel?”
Not getting any help fromm her coworker, she turns back to me with a confused look on her face.
Me: “I thought Jews were supposed to be smart.”
Julie: “What?”
Me: “I thought Jews were supposed to be smart.”
Julie: (Pointing a finger at me) “Careful. You are making fun of me because I don’t speak your language very well. If you come to my country and try to speak my language, I will laugh at you. How many languages do you speak?”
Me: “I actually don’t speak any other languages other than English.”
She visibly looks angry at this point, and seems to struggle to maintain her composure. She continues to try and sell me her product.
Her: “You can have these two for one price, one for your mother, and one for a sister.”
Me: “I thought you wanted me to buy it for the girl I like.”
Julie: “You can give one to your mother and one to your girlfriend!”
Me: “Are you still mad about the Jewish jokes?”
Julie: (Letting out an annoyed sigh) “No I don’t care about that. I know what the Jewish people are and I don’t care what you think.
Me: “Really, I respect the Jewish people. Benedict Spinoza was a Jew.”
Julie: “Who?”
Me: “Benedict Spinoza. He was a philosopher from the Netherlands who wrote about the nature of God.”
Julie: “I don’t know. Are you in school?”
Me: “I took a philosophy class, that’s how I heard of him. Have you studied philosophy?
Her: “No. So would you like to buy this?”
Me: “I think I will wait and see.”
Julie: “Wait for what?”
Me: “I just want to wait a few days and decide if I want them.”
Julie: “This deal won’t be here in a few days.”
Me: “I just want to take time to think about what else I could get my mom and sisters.”
Julie: “What else are you thinking about?”
Me: “I just don’t like being pressured into buying stuff.”
Julie: “Do you think I am pressuring you?”
Me: “No. I think you’re lovely.”
She looks a little surprised, and then turns her head away saying:
Julie: “Yea right.”
She then picks up the beauty kit she has been trying to sell me and shows me the back of it.
Julie: “See, made in Israel, not China”
Me: “So Israel doesn’t just make weapons huh, they make this stuff to?”
Julie: (Nodding).
Me: “I am just kidding.”
Julie: “So do you want this or not?”
Me: “No”
Julie: “Ok have nice day.”
I walk away at this point through the mall and head down a corridor where the bathrooms are. I give my sister a call, who is nineteen, and tell her about what happened. I told her that I wanted to try and get her number, but that I was worried that she might be mad at me for what I said about Jews. She gave me some advice about what to do, as she sometimes does when it comes to women, and I walked back to the stand where Julie was standing. I walked up to her and said, “Can I talk to you?” She nods. I say, “Can you come over hear?” I guide her over to where we are a few feet away from her coworker. This is what happens:
Me: “I just wanted to tell you I could not stop thinking about how lovely you are.”
Julie: “Awwww, thank you.”
Me: “I saw how hard you worked over there, so I want to give you a tip.”
Julie: “Ok.”
Me: “But I don’t have anything with me. So can I have your number so I can call you some time and find out where you are so I can give it to you?”
Julie: (with a big, warm smile) “I can’t give you my number. I just came here from Israel so I don’t have a number to give you. I can give you my email address.”
Me: “Ok.”
So she opens a drawer and pulls out a note card and begins to write on it. At this time her manager appears and starts telling me about Julie and how great she is. She then shows me something and asks me to buy it. She explains that it would help Julie out because she is working only on commission. She also mentions that she has had a rough day and I should help her out for that reason as well. She then places the thing on the counter next to where their register is, and Julie places the note card on top of the thing. I reach over and take the note card and put it in my pocket. I close the interaction thus:
Me: “You don’t need that money. You need me to contact you. I am more important then that money.”
Julie: (with a raised eyebrow) “Whatever.”
And that is the story of how an Aspie picked up a girl.
01 Dec 2007, 12:06 am
guy at the bus stop used to hit on me and pester me for my number whenever he saw me. I kept giving him phony numbers so he'd leave me to talk with my friends and then the next time I saw him he'd complain and I'd say "Oh, I must have written it wrong" and I'd give him a new one. I kept waiting for him to catch on but he never did. Maybe the joke was on me. 
"not currently" and then she said "Well maybe you could give this to your mother (re: the perfume)" and then i was like 
