This is going to be fairly long. Please bear with me.
On February 16, 2006, I started dating my first girlfriend.
We had known each other for a while, and had a good friendship, started by me accidentally tossing crumpled paper at her in Math class.
We didn't talk much, we just teased each other in class without any verbal communication...
Things evolved and finally, at our local... Youth center ( Can't find a better translation of the word we use.. I'm Icelandic. ) we talked.
I was just sitting there, browsing accident videos on youtube, when she sat next to me and said "What's this?". We had a good laugh then, but didn't talk that much.
Over a few months, we met at the youth center, slowly getting to know each other.
We did this for maybe half a year, meeting there, talking on MSN... But not meeting each other alone, always around our friends.
On the sixteenth of February 2006, I walked her home, like I did every evening. We stopped just outside her house to talk abit like we always did, I looked to my side, and she kissed me on the cheek. I was startled at first standing there with a big question mark as a face. She kissed me again on the lips, and we stood there, kissing, in the freezing cold, for an half hour or so.
When we stopped, I looked at her, smiling, and said "So we're 'together' then?". She said "Yes" and kissed me again.
at the time. At the time I was 14.
The following days were wondrous. I was constantly in a blissful state, my heart racing every time I saw her, and we spent every minute together. I believe I was on a constant adrenaline high, for whenever she was around, my stamina increased tenfold, and became unbelievably 'strong'.
I had crushes before, never resulting in anything... But this was different. I had no desire but to make her happy.. I had fallen in love with her.
At about a month into our relationship ( I think, can't really recall ) we had sex. It was our first time for the both of us. It was very weird.
We sat in my living room, watching television. She was lying with me on the sofa, when I felt this absolutley uncontollable urge to kiss her. We lay there kissing for a few minutes, when we found ourselves taking each others clothes off.
Things progressed from there, we being sexually active almost every day.
I started taking her for granted, sacrificing time with her for World of Warcraft ( A habit which I have now abandoned ).
I still read old chat logs of conversations between me and her, bursting to tears when I see how I treated her.
Soon things between us became purely physical. We did nothing else barely. We didn't see other people, and we just stayed at home. She felt ignored obviously, bursting with happiness when I would let her come see me, which happened only after much pleading for permission to visit me, because I had started taking "Nerd time over her".
She gave up. We broke up, and I was a pile of emotional garbage.
But, the day after she called me, crying telling me that she didn't mean what she said about me, and wanted me back. I ran over to her house. I don't know what we did the short week we stuck together, but it hardly matters. I guess I didn't become any nicer at all. She was involved at school in a group that organized events such as balls and the like. The school was going to send her and the others in the group on a meeting of sorts, with the other schools groups in the capital area.
She met a guy there.
Again she broke up with me.
I was a wreck, I frequently hurt myself, cutting my arms with a pair of wire clippers, dropping out of school, and pretty much f***ing things up. In the week before my birthday ( Which is November 5th ) I was sent to a emergency juvenile prison, a small prison-like institution, split into to parts. One the prison ( Very small, consisting of a big room with a tv and sofas, and cells with magnetized thick steel doors ) and the therapy unit, which was I was later sent to. I had one day leave there, spent with her, and we kissed, ending the relationship with her boyfriend, but leaving us confused.
Soon I started smoking ( Which I still do, waaaay to much ) and basically ruined things a bit more. Weeks passed and I was discharged, and sent to a psychological therapy center for behavior analyzing.
The stay there was hell, I was surrounded by anorexics, psychos and other bizarre people ( I don't mean this in a bad way, they were nice people, but scared the s**t outta me ) and over curious orderlies (sp?) and other staff. What kept me going was the fact that she visited me regularly.
After three months there I was discharged, I enjoyed a mainly 'friends with benefits' relationship with her, often put aside for new boyfriends of hers, and the like. Every time she and a boyfriend broke up, we kinda started the 'friends with benefits' relationship again.This kept on going for a long time, until I reeeaaaally f***ed up.
I was constantly jealous, still hurting myself ( I never mentioned it to anyone, when I was asked I merely said " I had nothing else to do." I didn't cry when doing it, I just needed something, I'm not emo, I don't dress as one or act like one. )
I became angry, slowly starting to hate everyone that touched her.I became furious at her, bottling it up..
I lied to her, hurt her, in the most sneaky and backstabbing way possible.
She grew to loathe me. After a violent encounter with my father, I was heading home from the police station. I called her and told her about it, she said "You know I love you! Come meet me at XXX's place, it's a small gettogether!". I showed up, greeted by a fairly drunk and cold ex-girlfriend.
I had a few beers, and got fairly drunk, talking to some people there, always staying close by her.
At some point she disappeared.
I asked the house owners girlfriend "Seen XXX?" and she pointed me to the basement. I went down there, and then I saw it.
She was sitting on top of an old friend of mine, quickly jumping off and putting her pants on when she saw me.
I can't remember what happened exactly, but I think I went nuts. I tossed the 'friend' out, and then asked her
"What the hell were you doing? I thought you were with me?"
"No! YOU F***NG CREEP! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I tried to stop her, but she stormed out.
I followed her outside, where we argued for a long time.
Soon she went home, and me too soon after.
The next months were hell.
I couldn't stand myself for what I had done to her, I was jealous, I was angry at myself.
....
Half a year later of no communication with her at all, I recieve a phone call. It's her.
She asks me if I know how to crack Photoshop for her ( Which is odd, because her boyfriend at the time was a computer science major ).
I tell her how, and then ask her if she wants to meet me outside, she replies positively.
I meet her at our old school.
We talk a bit. Then we go our seperate ways.
Since then I have been building up our relationship slowly, regaining her trust fully, and showing her the best of me.
I still love her, and I really want her back. Lately we have been having sex now and then, nothing romantic, just sex. She tells me I'm one of her best friends, and frequently visits me. I hope it's the start of something more serious.
Thanks for reading, if anyone did. I'm not asking very many questions with this, it's more of a rant. I needed to get this off my chest. If you have any advice on how to get her back, it would be greatly appreciated.
If there is something you want to know, or something you didn't understand, feel free to ask.
01 Feb 2008, 8:03 pm
