Setting myself up for a world of hurt?

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So, got myself into what could potentially be an interesting situation:

A couple of months ago, my best friend introduced me to his girlfriend, and we immidiately became good friends. This is not uncommon, as all relationships among my circle of friends are welcomed into the group with open arms. We would talk quite a bit and discovered we had tons in common, but I respectfully kept my distance, seeing as how she was the girlfriend of one of my closest friends.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago she abruptly broke up with him, citing a number of reasons. The other day, I heard through the grapevine that I may have been one of them. Yesterday we had a party at our house and my good friend invited his now ex-girlfriend to the party. We ended up talking for hours, she crashed in my room (on the couch, we didn't sleep together), and I walked her home in the morning, and now we've made plans to meet for ice cream in a couple of days. I'm not exactly sure what could happen, but I want to be prepared for anything. Being as Aspie, I have no idea what sort of unspoken rules are supposed to come into play in a situation like this. Should I let my friend know that we're meeting up, or should I not even bring this up until something potentially more concrete emerges? And if so, would I be setting myself up for a potentially serious conflict with my friend?

Find out what other reasons there may have been for the breakup... if you just assume that it was you, then you ARE setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

There were a couple of other reasons, yes. And here's an update, I just got an email from her thanking me for spending time with her, saying that we have a lot in common and such, and she's looking forward to meeting with me in a couple of days, so I'm fairly certain now that she's interested in me. I'm definately going to have to have a talk with my friend either tomorrow or after she and I meet up. He's the nicest, coolest guy you can hope to meet, and I really value his friendship so I really want to gets his feelings on this before I go any further, bros before hoes, right?

if that's the way you feel about her you shouldn't date her.

If you want to stay friends with this guy, you won't have anything else to do with her. Personally, I think what she's doing is pretty vile.

I don't entirely agree, but I'm willing to bet your friend will see it this way. Break it off, whatever it is, NOW.

Formaldehyde, I'd imagine you probably know the bro's rule though - generally good friends never date exs like they usually don't date sisters.

That said though, this situation's a strain and I can see why - you guys have a lot in common, that's probably really odd not to mention rare for most people with AS to find. I also am no stranger to that kind of luck, as in I've never found interest from someone without those sorts of strings and its pretty sad, then again back then it was pretty constant as well.

I think if you do hook up with her, do talk to your friend but see if she's ok with letting things chill for a while till they've both had a bit more time to mend and especially if he's able to move on and find someone else - it would be a tremendous help to the situation. What your fighting though is the image, the usual default implication, like you stabbed him in the back. That's a hard one and again, how you handle the situation, how you talk to him about it, and how you talk to her about it as well are going to have a lot to do with how well or how badly this scenario plays out.

It is a bit scandalous I'll say that. Then again some types of people will see how inconsiderate they're being to both parties. The other factor of course - if she's been with this guy (his friend) for years, she's off limits plain and simple. If it was just a couple weeks though, still needs a very careful approach but at the same time in that situation I could see it making a bit more sense and maybe her behavior maybe not being quite as shady.

Personally, me being me, I wouldn't do it regardless - then again in my own case I've always debated whether that's noble or whether its just weak and prude. At that rate its difficult to shoot that at someone as my take on what they should do for themselves.

Thanks for all of the advice, appreciate it. Thought I'd share a bit more information about what's happened.

Anyway, when I say that my friend introduced my to her a couple of months ago, I mean that that's when they first started going out, it wasn't a multi-year relationship or anything like that. As well, he is quite the charmer and the ladies' man and I'm pretty sure has already healed for the most part, pretty sure he hooked up with another girl at the party we had.

I'm meeting up with her on Monday, and I figure that either I'm totally reading into this the wrong way and she just wants to hang out, or she wants to start going out. In either case I'll share all of these concerns I have with both her and my friend and hopefully it'll work out. My friend isn't the type of guy to carry a grudge or think that something nefarious went on behind his back, so I'm cautious but hopeful.

This could change things a bit. If your friend wasn't that serious about her and is one of those guys who goes through women fairly quickly, you might be ok. Unfortunately, these situations can lead to the friend saying they're ok with you dating the ex when in actuality they're not. That's why I usually advise people to just stay away from friends' exes.

The problem here is that your situation really requires being able to read between the lines. People with AS can have difficulty with doing that. Since we're talking about your best friend here, you need to think carefully about if this girl is worth a breakdown in your friendship with him (regardless of whether he says he's ok with you dating her or not).

I don't understand this honor code that other people are talking about. If my boyfriend had been the ex of a friend, there's no way I would have let that fact keep me from dating him. Friends are people who care about your happiness, not people who insist that you conform to some arbitrary rule. Though maybe it's just my own outlook that makes the rule appear arbitrary. My girl friends are welcome to date any ex of mine they want. The only one I'd protest at would be for fear for her safety, not for the sake of sparing my feelings.

One of the nicest friends I ever made was the immediate rebound of an ex. I suppose it might have hurt had I not been the one who ended the relationship... but I really don't know.

Formaldehyde, it sounds like you're doing the right thing in talking to everybody. Your friend should be fine. If his feelings were easily bruised, he wouldn't have invited his ex to a party anyhow.

(Hopefully) last update on this issue.

I was just hanging out in our basement when my friend comes up to me and, totally out of the blue, tells me, "Hey, just want you to know that it's totally cool with me if you go out with her". I asked him how he had found out and he said that it was obvious. He told me that one of the reasons that she broke up with him was that she just wanted to date other people. Whether this bodes well for longevity I can't say, but oh well, I'm just pleased that now I can see how this plays out instead of walking away from a potentially good thing out of concerns over what someone else might think.

His only stipulation was that I try and set him up with a blind date for a date party, which I'll certainly attempt, but no promises .

Cool! Looks like it all worked out.

I go with this approach....

Wait two months, if they still want you, then go ahead.