How do I get boys?

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I know, I'm too young to date and would probably postpone romantic relationships until my 30s or 40s, when I am in an executive position and need somebody with whom to hang out in my (imminent) huge, massive and labyrinthine mansion.
However, there are certain things that I am worried about.
1. Is 'doing the nasty/shagging' absolutely necessary? I think it's disgusting and will not do it for ANYTHING.
2. How do you find boys when you're fat and/or ugly?
3. How many boys are willing to stay at home or work part time so as to reassure me of the successfulness of my career?
4. Do autistic folks usually get married?

Hi Talidaradical. Well, I think that you will find someone someday, I've read some of your posts and you seem like a great person and I like your opinions on things Like everyone, you deserve someone wonderful, and if you find someone like that, you shouldn't have to worry about these four things too much. You should have someone who is going to appreciate you for who you are, and if he does, he won't care what you look like and he won't think you are fat and/or ugly (just as a side note, if you think that you are ugly, maybe this will help-I just tell myself that no one is ugly because we're all humans, and that makes us all beautiful Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being thin, the only thing that matters is being healthy ). He would also care about you and your life enough to do things to ensure success in your career if that is important to you, and you would probably care about him enough to do things like that for him, although it wouldn't necessarily have to be that. As for your first question, I'm probably not the best person to answer that, but I'll give you some thoughts. I think it would definately be possible for you to find someone who cared enough not to do that kind of thing if you didn't want to. I mean, I guess most people view it as being pretty important, but not all people. I totally see your point, by the way. I think our culture puts way too much emphasis on it. Don't let anyone tell you it's that important. If you don't think it is and you don't want to do it, you should be respected for that. You might find someone who doesn't want to do that either. It seems as though there are people on the spectrum especially who feel the same way you do. Or, someday you might find that you don't feel the same way you do now. As for autistic people getting married (sorry, I'm going out of order here aren't I?) I've definately heard of cases where they have and I'm sure it would be possible as long as their significant other was understanding and accepting of autism or if they were another autistic person. In fact, I'm not trying to force my opinions on you, but I think that finding another person with an ASD might be good. They might feel the same way you do about what you asked in question 1, they're not as likely to care what you look like, and they'll just be very understanding in general. Of course, that's not always the case, and I'm sure there are some great NT's out there for potential mates, but that just might be something to keep in mind I guess. Hope that helps a little.

I haven't had the best of luck in all things romantic, but let me assure you I do know a thing or two about being a guy. First of all, take a look at a post you made a few months ago: http://wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=8210&highlight=#8210.

I'd say it cuts your dating pool essentially down to zero. You're focusing exclusively on your preferences and interests. AS or not, you will have to learn to talk about things other than your own interests and allow people to talk about their interests if you want to have any success in dating or at life generally.



While Asperger's syndrome may play a role in some people thinking of you as having low cognitive abilities, I have no doubt your attitude plays a more significant role in why guys do not seem to be interested in you much. There's nothing wrong with having a positive opinion of yourself or being a little loud in the right context, but you practically seem to want to ward guys off by the attitude you project. Independence is a good thing, but sometimes you do have to make a few adjustments to the circumstances at the moment. I don't think your musical preference has anything to do with your dating situation.



Boys are children. When you're older, perhaps you'll wish to date men. If you're still in junior high or high school, yes, guys will still be pretty immature; but don't be so vain as to think you're any better than they are.

Now to address the questions you raised in this thread:



When you're a litttle older, your opinion on this may change. Until then, do not feel compelled to do something you do not wish to do merely to attract and keep a boyfriend.



Young guys can be pretty shallow and immature sometimes. Of course, there are exceptions. If you don't have "outer beauty," inner beauty (a good personality, intelligence, passion for one's interests, etc.) can give you an advantage. Also, what kind of guys are you attracted to? Maybe you're attracted to the wrong kind of male.



I assure you no self-respecting man is going to forego his life for you. A mature relationship involves a give-and-take and a mutual understanding between the two partners. Both people are better off in a mature relationship; one is not merely supporting the other.



Normally, I'd take a statement like that to be some kind of ironic joke; but, given the tone of previous posts of yours, I'd say your conception of the world is somewhat unrealistic. Instead of dreaming of your cushy executive job, think about what it will take to get you there. Instead of thinking of a "boy" as someone to listen to you as you rant on about your pet interests, think of men as equals, who may or may not share this-or-that interest of yours.

Certainly Asperger's syndrome has affected your perception, but that makes a greater challenge for you to conquer. Take a look at the reasons why you want a boyfriend. Are you only trying to fulfill some social expectation, or do you really want romantic companionship? Is your identity as radical based in the desire to find problems in society and workable ways to improve them, or is it a simplistic way to assert your individuality and nothing more?

Fortunately for you, those two problems solve each other... somewhat. Being fat frees you from the pressure of other people wanting to do you. Also, the consumption of mass quantities of alcohol will solve both of your problems (you doing the consuming for problem #1, other people doing the consuming for problem #2)



Any guy would jump at the excuse to not have to work.



I doubt it. They're lucky to even have friends.

correct me if i'm wrong, but, having read posts elsewhere on this board, i thought you didn't want to have a relationship, tali? you give a strong, definite impression of that. perhaps this paradox is the root of your difficulty here.

Oh dear....

FuzzyChickens: you appear to be going out of your way to offend people on this board. I suggest you stop trying so hard to be funny and knock the smartass comments off. The next complaint I get will result in a warning.

I am with NeantHumain on this one - seems like good advice to me. You seem a little confused as to what a relationship involves, and whether you really do want that. Incidentally, some people on the spectrum do marry or have steady relationships - a prominent example being Jerry Newport and his wife (the inspiration for Mozart and the Whale), also me and Mel are both on the spectrum, which has probably contributed to the longevity of our relationship as the communication/social preferences are so much easier to work out.

Dunc

Wha?!?

How could anything that I said be interpreted as deliberately offensive, or even having the possibility of being deliberately offensive?

If you are genuinely not trying to provoke people, perhaps you need to consider whether or not an opinion is likely to annoy or upset others before submitting it. Avoiding personal comments or comments denigrating a group of people is probably a good idea if you have difficulty in judging what is appropriate, as are sweeping statements on subjects which may be taken rather personally on this board. Have another look at the site policy on General forum if this requires further clarification.

Dunc

I think I found my mistake.

Okay, most females would also like the idea of not having to do any work.

Happy?

Try the other two comments:

Don't bother replying. Just knock it off now.

Most relationships (romantic or otherwise) require a give and take. On your list, all I am seeing is the take part. Finding a person willing to enter into such a relationship where they must fall in line exactly with your wishes, is not something you are likely to find.

Furthermore, even if you did find an individual willing to do that, the results likely would not be what you expect, people the relationship would not be a healthy one for either party.

As for your questions.

1. At a basic level, a romantic relationship has at least some basis in sex. If that is something that does not appeal to you, I would look to build solid friendships instead of looking for romance with the opposite sex. That, or I would try to be open to the possibility that the right person could change that for you.

Side questions- How old are you? Is it the physical natire of sex that causes you problems, or arousal in general? Bluntly, do you get horny, but get creeped out by the act of sex, or do you not get turned on in the first place? Either would be something I would speak to a professional about. And don't answer any of this online unless you feel comfortable doing so.

2. The very nature of this question implies that you may not think very highly of yourself. That is a problem. Don't let anybody take away from you your value in who you are.

I am a guy in which physical beauty is irrelevant almost to the point of not caring. Intelligence, compassion, wit, and understanding are all categories that will turn me on or off much faster than "measurements". What is most important to me is making that oh so difficult connection with somebody else, where both parties are interested in knowing and understanding the other.

That said, being overweight does not mean that you are ugly. The people that would judge the person you are based on your appearance are not people you want to seek out for a meaningful experience anyways.

3. This is the give/take thing. I would be perfectly happy to reverse gender roles and be a stay at home dad. But at the same time, this would have to be a conversation based in mutual understanding. Simply demanding that this role is what it will be, a conversation has to happen between two committed people, with both agreeing. You implied earlier that your career would be the most important thing to you. Would you allow somebody else to demand you forego that for a relationship with them? If not, why is it fair to demand that of your potential mate?

4. Lots of people don't get married. Autism presents a different set of challenges on the relationship spectrum, but none that are insurmountable. It comes down to probabilies. There are so many people out there that it stands to reason that everyone has a match, but some never manage to come into contact with that person. There are many autistic people happily married. There are many NT's who never manage to make it work.

Speak for yourself.

I have heaps of friends. I don't like to degrade to an internet level of e-insults on here.. but if there was a finger smiley I'd use it.

You obviously know jack all about autistics with all these horrible conclusions you come up with in horribly degrading ways.

"if there was a finger smiley I'd use it."
Awesome.

jesus wept and holy moses, fuzzychickens! where DO you get your ideas about women from? or even about men, for that matter?

That was a deliberate insult! You're lucky i can't send Avada Kedavra over the Internet...

I think perhaps she tries to tell her self (by telling others) she don't want a relationship sometimes because she is afraid, seems now that she is trying to get passed that and deal with things by asking more of the right questions instead of making negative statements too her self.

As for Fuzzychickens, his statements although negative and not of any usefulness or value here are in some ways true, but insulting, many youth think and feel those ways (based on the camaraderie of other pears of their age's, and being aspie he may not know the difference between joke and positive reinforcement and respect, or at least may not understand how it may hurt others feelings.) feeling others may understand the irony or funny because he don't see things in an more positive and adult and respectful matter yet based on experience and age, but still, he should know better. those was immature statements, his statements also reflect his own frustrations in this same field of problems that he may be having, and he is being sarcastic, perhaps because she is a female and he a male, perhaps feeling the girls don't want him for some reason, when he may be just reading them all wrong like many aspie men do.
hell, like many aspie persons sometimes does in many social issues.
we have to learn what many are born knowing, or so it seems.