Life... love... all that jazz

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Hey, I've been snooping around for last few weeks here, and have seen a few similar threads, but nothing directly pertaining to me, nor all the questions I have as well... and I have a somewhat ranting feeling at the moment, so excuse that part ^^

Anyways, I'm feeling somewhat lost of late (ok, for quite a while, but just as much now as ever, maybe more, I don't know, still lost), and of course, can't help but to keep over thinking things...

But yeah, I can't help but to feel lonely all the time, its like, I'm not capable of building the friendships I want, and even when I have a few friends, its like they're not enough for me to really consider them "friends," its just getting really annoying... I talk to people online alot, so that tones down the loneliness feelings a tad, but on the otherhand, I just want a friend or two to do stuff with... and not quite sure if that means a boyfriend or not

The degree to which I want such a friend seems quite definitive of what a 'boyfriend' does... I want someone I can share everything with, someone who trusts me, and will be there for me, who understands me, yet is fun to be around...

On the completely other side, I'm petrified of having a boyfriend. I feel like I'm completely incapable of being able to give out the amount of trust that is required of one. I feel like I'll just keep screwing things up, that inevitably I'll mess somehitng up and end up hurting both of us more than not dating...

The mere thought of kissing someone makes me cringe, and for that alone, I feel like its worth never having a boyfriend, because I really don't think I'll ever be able to do that, its just one of the most repulsive things humanly possible to me... even sex is more appealing than kissing (by a slim margin, that as well freaks me out, the whole thought of it scares me, even though I somewhat wanna try it to see what its like ><)

I don't know if thats something I'll grow out of or not... I stopped kissing ANYONE when I was 6 (like parents/grandparents), and ppl kissing me on forehead or cheek still disturbs me... I'm 19 now... 13 years of being disturbed by it, I don't htink its that possible for me to deal with it in a relationship... but what are the chances of getting one without that?

For those reasons I want to be alone forever, but I also don't... its like fear versus fear... and the one that seems overcomable is the being alone one...

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To top it all off, I got this cool friend since college started last year, so like a year and a half now we've been friends. And lately it was becoming more and more obvious he likes me, finally I just told him to spit it out because I couldnt stand it anymore. And he kept trying to get closer, I even sorta agreed to trying to date him (after explaining numerous times that I'm not comfortable with it), but it just got more and more uncomfortable that I had to shove him away... like really far away...

Fortunatly, or unfortunatly, he's still my friend, and still likes me, and told me he's willing to wait for me (until he finds someone else, if that happens), which is a bit unsettling...

its just that every time he touched me, I wanted to curl up and run away, or try to talk about feelings or anything... I know ppl think its mean and stuff, but I couldnt talk to him about certain things until he came online, its like the only way I can really tell my feelings, offline, be it phone or face to face, I just shell up and refuse to let even myself know about anything thats bothering me, but online I can seperate msyelf from that and explain myself to him... so hadda try to explain to him online how uncomfortable it is for me...

But I'm still lonely, and enjoyed hanging out with him all the time, just not the constant nagging that he likes me, and 'oh s**t, what if he tries to kiss me, I need a knifie'

He knows I have AS, and he's rather supportive about it, because he likes those AS traits I have... all my randomness and stupid things I say at times just cracks him up, and he cant help but to tease me about it and bring it up at random times, which is fine for me, because its not like he dislikes it, just finds it amusing and something thats all ME... but... blegh, I just dont know what to do, how to move on from this stalepoint...

I don't really know what to do... is it normal to be that petrified of intamancy? Can a fear of kissing ever be overcome, or is that just who I am? Go with the flow? Things get better? UGH... >_<

*sigh* yeah... I guess... I don't know, just honestly don't think I can deal with it... its a huge annoying mumble of junk >.<

it also scares me that someone could, and apparently does, care for me like that... I always take ppl for face value, so shame on them if they decide to screw me, but even if he did, theres no alternate motive for being as caring/concerned and stuff that I can see... which is scary... feels like he cares TOO much for me, that I can never recipercate that, and feel even unworthy... like he'll try and try to get me better, wakes me up for classes every day because I sleep through, forces me to study, helps me on classes... blegh >.<;;

sometimes makes me feel like a blackhole... all anyones care and efforts go through to nothing, because I fail at being helpful, useful, and caring back...

I feel the exact same way as you do about everthing. Except I really don't know anyone let alone any boys. especially this part