Breaking the news...

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Hi, was just wondering, what's the best way to break the news that you're an aspie to someone you are seeing/ might be seeing? Should I mention it at all?

This is probably a bit premature - I've met a guy but I'm still not sure anythings going to come of it (although he wants to meet up again!). He's already twigged I'm a bit odd (to use his words, I looked like I 'owned' the night club I was in e.g looked 'stand-offish') and he's mentioned that I have a 'posh' way of speaking. I didn't mention aspergers, but I did warn him I was weird (he'd find out soon enough anyway) and when he asked how, I pointed out a few things about me that are aspie, but without using that term (most people haven't even heard of autism where I'm from, let alone asperger's)

I've never had a boyfriend before or been on a date for that matter, so any advice & clues about how to act 'normal' would be much appreciated!

I don't think you need to say anything until you're actually in a committed relationship.

I would sort of figure that if you are that close then they already know although they may not have put a name to it.

Might be better to casually introduce the subject BEFORE your date backs off because of any "weirdness".

Assure him/her it's no big deal, but tends to affect the way you interact with people sometimes.

Light, casual... breezy.

I'd say it would be a good idea to get some reading material and then asking them if they have heard of Asperger's. From their reaction to the subject in general, it will give you a clue about whether it is okay to go more personal or to not tell them straight away (and possibly not pursue the realationship).

thanks for the advice everyone! I'm not sure if I'll tell him immediately (I haven't been diagnosed officially, so it feels a bit weird to explain to someone that I have AS, when even I don't know for sure).

Yeah, if he starts to back away because of my 'weirdness', I'll probably let him know - I like Blue Max's advice for keeping it 'light, casual, breezy'... 'oh, yeah, by the way I may have aspergers...' - hey, could be a good conversation topic Actually, the earlier I bring it up, maybe the better- I'd rather he knew now & runs away than in a few weeks time (less emotionally messy)

Good idea about the reading material- the only maintstream book I can think of about AS is the 'curious incident of the dog...' - I might ask if he's read it

I suggest to wait until you are actually in a relationship.

If you want to tell him when you are in one, then I suggest bringing up the subject casually. eg; talk about a news article related to AS...then ask him if he has heard of it part way through the conversation etc.

Or, you could just come straight out and tell him. I am not sure how well that would work though, as he might think that AS is a mental illness and be turned off by it.

If you don't tell him anything, he's going to come to his own conclusions, and they'll probably be wrong. Most likely he'll interpret something as you not liking him, so you might inadvertently push him away without meaning to.

I know the feeling that prompted this, but acting "normal" is a horrible thing to think! It says to me that you don't think you're worthy of acceptance, and that you'll do whatever it takes to get this guy. This can not be a basis for anything even approaching a sound relationship. You're fine, you're a defective person or something!

I would tell him what's up with you, but refrain from using "Asperger's" right off the bat, because that means you have to go into a long-winded explanation of what that is, blah blah blah.

You can just tell him that you aren't too good at social interaction, that you find it confusing. That's not dishonest at all, plus it's right to the point, and you avoid triggering the whole "mentalcase" alarm-bells-ringing feeling in him. After that, it's a natural lead-in to the subject of Asperger's. Once he knows what's up, he won't be worried so much; you just have to break that news in the right way.

If you say, "I have Asperger's Syndrome" out of the blue, before you even get around to defining it a zillion things will race through his head, like "Jesus, is that a parasite? A type of cancer? Does she wear a colostomy bag? Was she a dude before? Is she going to attack me?" and then it's a fight to calm him down and explain yourself to him. If you go from the other end, define it first and then mention what you're defining, it'll be smoother, like, "Ah, that explains it! Now let's go to the movie."

It's like, if you describe the individual symptoms first, and then later mention that they are all part of a larger syndrome, you avoid shocking him. Since he's noticed that you act "odd" and still wants to see you again, that's a good sign that you're a likable person.

Good luck, and try not to be so hard on yourself!

I like it! That's more refined than my post.... sage advice.

...colostomy bag.... LOL!

lol, yeah, thanks Kurtz - I actually burst out laughing when I read the bit about the parasite/colostomy bag, but you're right, that's probably the reaction I'd get! I think I might just play it by ear... well, try to anyway

Cool, I'm glad you made some sense out of that. Good luck!

I like to be up front about it when I'm friends with someone. I think it's a bit mean to tell someone if you're in a romantic relationship with them, "Oh, by the way, I have a social disability. Can you deal with that?" I think it's better for them to know and understand first, so they know what they're getting into.

I agree with Kurtz. If he likes you in the end, it won't matter if you tell him about AS later on. But it could scare him away initially if he doesn't know what it is.