No sense of romantic emotion

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Hello,

I'm 18 and from the far north suburbs of Chicago.

I believe I've always had anxiety issues in school, as well as spending far more hours on an assignment than what would be expected. My lack of focus has caused me problems since I was born.

My father found a magazine article a few weeks ago about a man who had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. It seems I show a lot of the symptoms, what with highly obsessive and narrow interests, clumsiness, and social alienation.

I developed a love for classical music about three years ago and have obsessively listened to it ever since. I have also gained interest in later jazz, metal, and progressive rock. I'm constantly hearing music, whether in my head or from a recording. I'm currently listening to Bach.

As far as this whole "love" concept goes, there seemed to be something innately wrong since it first began. I never felt completely connected, and my mind seemed to wander at the most awkward of times. I still don't feel any real sense of romantic love for another person.

You might relate with my piano improvisations:

http://www.soundclick.com/colinwhite

I've always felt alienated and depressed, but to relate it to something else other than standard anxiety and depression has been a fairly interesting discovery. I've become so used to the depression and alienation that the very concept of going in another direction strikes me as hideous and strange.

Things around me appear quite odd. I have become more and more of a critic of this commercialized and shallow world - I suppose because I feel so alone in it. I rarely relate even to other musicians.

That all being said, I find myself wondering why I'm seeking out a romantic partner if all I get is a sense of depression and despair from it, as I do from everything? Nothing makes me happy. I'm obsessed with music. It just never seems to end. All the issues of the artist are also very real problems for me. I've lost faith in most things, and the arts is one of them. Since people have no respect or need for my abilities, I see little reason to continue. This was a sham to begin with.

My specialized interests and mature artistic insights work to alienate me further from my peers. I have no interest in girls my age because they're so dull and average. I'm sick of average. I'm sick of the box. People sit in their box their entire lives, oblivious to anything that could be rewarding outside of it. I am tired of it. Why do I have to go through it? Why does anyone? I wish I was never given a passion or a need for excellence because this world is so damn mediocre.

Further, it disturbs me to see so many people with similar issues. It is sick and terrible.

Any hopefully enlightening comments could help.

Regards,

-Colin

Try finding women that are into music on the level that you are... music is one of the areas that is actually a fairly even spread of men and women (unlike the technology field which is male-dominated)...

And don't worry, I am just as much a critic of the "commercialized" world as you are... and I am sick of most of the people (not even just women) my own age... for the most part, my non-academic activities involve singing in a church choir (where I, a 19 year old, actually bring the average age down a few years single-handedly)... Most of the interesting people I've met were through this church, although the few women my own age that are around weren't interested in romantic encounters (and the one I awkwardly approached many years ago turned me down very quickly...) Regardless, the church is where most of my "friends" are, and it really has become a home away from home for me...

By my count there are a total of zero people with such a passion anywhere near here.

The reason you are seeking a romantic partner is because, being an aspie, you are more sensitive than the average person. The greatest fear anyone will ever experience is the fear of truly being alone. No one, especially not an aspie, wants to be completely alone all the time. We may like more private time than the average person, but no one wants to always be alone. Also, because you have an intense interest in specific subjects (like music), the only real sense of meaning you feel will come from being able to share your insights and knowledge with someone else.

As someone who has been through this, I've yet to find another person with my specific interests or even truly similar interests that I can share those things with. However, what I have found are people who like me, and are willing listeners, even when I occasionally ramble off on some bizarre tangent. The key is to find someone who likes and accepts you. They likely won't be an aspie, but perhaps they have a struggle of their own. They may have a difficult situation at home, physical problems, tragic past, anything that may make them see in you a kindred spirit. Someone who has to work harder to be considered normal, someone who knows they don't quite fit in the mainstream, and someone who will accept you as you are. I believe in a simple formula that just needs a little determination. Ask and receive, seek and find, knock and it will be opened to you....Peace

guess again.. http://www.peoplesmusicschool.org/

and btw, they are always looking for serious students, teachers, and volunteers as it's a non profit organization.. and who knows, you might meet someone who thinks like you do