This is an extreamly different situation for me my whole life has been spent alone. I was primarily raised by the state. It was always one home to the next until I was 17 and released. I spent the next 3 years alone just trying to finish high school. I threw the one meaningful relationship that I had, had away out of stupidity. Here I am 23 most of my life has been spent on a street corner alone wet and freezing. It's been a hard life but I'll spare you the truely grizzly details. Three years ago I met a girl she was a fling really but circumstances brought us together and I wound up staying with her until July of this year when she ran off with what I thought was my best friend and cousin. Her being the only thing in my life that was constant and the only affection I've really ever known, this sent me into a nervouse breakdown after 6 months of isolating myself and truely conemplating suicide. (We're talking I wouldn't leave my house for the whole 6 months) I was finally commited to the psychiatrich ward. Long story short I hate wards and it literally took an act of god to get me to go (I was an athiest before this). So I go of my own free will I go. I sit for 2 weeks and begin wondering why I even went. When sitting in the classroom waiting on group to start in walk this woman. The first thing out of my mouth was "Abby?" (so quite she couldn't hear it). Low and behold it was her and she was commited for the exact samething that had happened to me. She was an old friend of mine. Long story short we fell for each other. This has been two or three months now. She called every day for a week after she was discharged then all of a sudden it stopped she didn't call anymore. This was the only thing that had made me feel worth getting out of bed in 6 months. And not only did I feel like getting out of bed but I felt better than ever. Only one problem I was love sick and bad I couldn't eat I couldn't sleep and I couldn't tell her. I got out and called her right away she explained to me she had heard bad rumours about me and that she didn't listen to them. In short We talked for another week when I finally broke down and told her after waiting on a curb for 11 hours to have a chance to meet her and tell her face to face. I went home and called her and told her. She was sick and wasn't able to leave the house that day. But she told me that while she felt the sameway too she had a child to worry about and that she needed someone more stable (the rumours got her I could here it in here voice). This was 2 months ago. She still calls me. To be honest the feelings haven't gone away I know she loves me but won't admit it. Me with asperger's just telling her was like diving off a cliff. Out of fear of rejection. This isn't trivial infatuation or lust. The thing is out of my life she's the only one that ever really tried to help me with anything. I can hear how she feels about me in her voice. And even after being declined I still feel like pushing. I just don't know what to do she doesn't quite understand what apergers is and whenever I talk to her I go dumb and can't explain it. The truth is I've known her for five years and have always felt like this but was never able to tell her. I just tricked myself into forgetting the emotion but now it's too much and I don't know how to handle the situation. Sort of limbo even declined she still keeps me going. I'm still glad she's there and I know she loves me.
26 Dec 2007, 4:59 am
