Saying cruel things when angry...

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Why does my aspie say such cruel and hurtful things when he is angry? He says things that get me to the point where I'm sobbing hard and I'm not the type who cries a lot. I haven't cried in years before meeting him.

It has very little to do with being an aspie, that much I can tell you.

Once I was in a relationship with a man who was otherwise pretty good to me, but anytime we had a disagreement he would insist on seeing me cry. I don't cry easily and I do not enjoy crying, but he would never let up or back down until he'd hurt me badly (and then he'd be very sorry for having done so, but the next time he still could not control himself). I think he went on to overcome that part of himself but I'm glad I didn't wait around for him to mature.

You sound miserable. It can be hard to tell which partner is most responsible for a negative dynamic in a relationship but it doesn't matter much. Why are you sticking around?

when I am really angry and confused I can lose control as well and say things I don't mean and don't want to say. it hasn't happened to me in a long time and it won't happen to me again. I don't think it has anything to do with Aspies, but he might feel too cornered? idk, it's hard to tell if you don't know him. But what I do know is that I told the people that are important to me, immidialty after this happened for the first time, that I am a bit crazy at somethimes. and somethimes I say things I don't mean. I try not to but somethimes I do and I am very very sorry

I have NO idea where it comes from. It can start when he's ranting about politics for example. He will all of a sudden start berating me and calling me a christian, even when I'm agreeing with his views (not just being agreeable). I'm not religious in anyway. I believe in eastern philosophies.

I've stayed with him b/c I admire him in so many ways and he's funny and sweet most of the time. The good outweighs the bad so far... But the way he lets out his anger is the only major problem I'd like to resolve.

Yes, he'll usually apologize the next morning. But it has been happening a LOT lately, so I'm a bit concerned and confused.

I don't often get angry.

I don't like being angry because I loose grip on the only thing that helps me make sense of the world; my logic.

When I loose grip on my logic my brain cannot make sense of anything around me; it tries to find a way back by firing out random things in the hope that one of them will hit something recognisable.

Don't listen to him when he is angry; listen to him when he is in control and logical; that's the time when his expressions are more likely to be true and meaningful.

when somebody gets really angry at me, idk how to describe it but I shut down. it's really strange, I can hardly hear what he/she is saying, I only give aswers like yes or no. and when I do it sounds like im really tired. when that person is gone im normal again. THIS WORKS GREAT. because whatever he says, he cant hurt me. and I can think about the situation and come back to him when he's cooled down. the only bad thing is that I seem like I dont care

anyway to just call a timeout? it seems maybe he does realize that he's wronged you and regrets it. anger is very base and hard to control once the threshold is passed. i would gladly just stop an argument midstream, leave it and amend it.... later.

but it is unhealthy to perpetuate this cycle... for you.

He's mentioned in the past that he has always been able to "piss people off" and he calls himself an "a-hole".

I do need to come up with a way to recognize when he's starting to get angry and enforce a timeout or end the conversation before it gets bad. It's just so hard to recognize b/c it sneaks up on me.

and im a well-intentioned b***h. but even i don't want to be put up with or placated... if i get into one of those patterns in a relationship... i usually wind up feeling they'd be better off without me... which im resigned to concede is most likely true. not that i felt i was totally at fault, without justification... but i don't want to break any wills.

I feel the same way you do. No one likes being with a door mat. But I keep reading everywhere that "you should be patient", "he doesn't mean it", "he is just frustrated b/c of this and that" or "it's not personal". I'm less AS than him, so I try to be patient, but it seems like he can't stop until I'm crying. No matter what I say or do, there's no reasoning with him. He puts me in a lose/lose situation every time.

do you think he loses control, or lets control go? personal or not, if he loves you, im sure he wants this to change as much as you do

I'm not sure. How can I tell?

I think he loses control at some point. Or doesn't care that he's being super hurtful while it's happening. Or maybe he's super frustrated about something and doesn't know how to resolve it before he get mad. He gets mad first.

have you tried walking away when this happens? let him cool down and continue the conversation later?

This started happening more recently, so I haven't had a chance to try that. I will next time I notice it happening.

good luck^^. and remember, the only way a relationship can work is by communication. say it when something has to be changed because if you dont, things will add up and in the end you will burst.