Feeling "Romantic" takes a while...

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I consider myself a very romantic person. And genuine.

I just started seeing a woman who has the potential for a romance/long-term relationship. The thing is, she wants to jump in and get physical right away. Well, I don't FEEL anything yet.

I want to FEEL romantic before I act on it.

Yes, I can feel LUST for someone, but that is not ROMANCE.

Is this an Aspie thing, I wonder? Or maybe it is just my personality.

The ironic thing is, because I seem to be "holding back", she thinks I am scared or shy or whatever. I am not scared. Yes, I am shy, but the real reason is that I don't feel romantic for someone until I've known them for a while. So, it seems that I am NOT a romantic person, when exactly the opposite is true.

Does this make sense?

That absolutly makes complete sence and has been my problem on the dating scene my entire life, in the end the women I am with thinks I am not interested, I would much rather be with her for a while then do any of the physical stuff, which will take me a long time to aquire that desire.

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

It sucks to be "misinterpreted". I have also done the opposite: I have "given in" to what is expected of me, and rushed into something because I felt pressured to be someone different. It never ended up good, though.

Do you think I need to "explain" myself more? I already told her that I want to get to know her, and not rush, etc. She said it was a good idea, but she seems frustrated. And there is that underlying feeling of... she is just "waiting" till I "come around" and am "ready." Yuck. It feels like a lot of pressure.

All of the above is correct for me... and I hate it too...

Every time I meet a woman it takes a while for romantic feelings to develop (usually a month or so), and by that time we've either moved on with our lives or she's shoved me into her "friend zone"...

It's the same for me. I usually need some time to feel romantic, though I guess it hasn't been a real problem for me. My biggest difficulty is my shyness and my hesitation to approach people. And then I don't express myself very well.

But if you feel like it's a problem that might interfere with the relationship, you should definitely explain it to her. If you tell her that you need some time, I think she'll understand. Or at least she'll realize that it's not just a lack of interest.

hey, i often have that 'problem' too. i always thought that is was a 'girl thing' and that is why i always felt rushed (and i am not talking about sex per se).

it just takes a while for me to suss out my own feelings and i cannot 'fake' closeness in the interim, whilst i work stuff out.

maybe there is an element of being hurt so badly before that i err to the side of caution.

Jeeze... real tough question cause I am a crappy date, heh. . Never really done it right, I suppose relationship = compromise and that you both need to be compfortable, maby explaining a few things would help tho... Thats probably what I am thinking. HEHE

You need to find out what makes you feel romantic/in the mood and get it to happen. It won't happen without a lot of input.

eg: If she smiles at me... - well, you're gonna have to find a way to make her smile.

It's a lot of work and one wrong move will spoil everything.

It makes total sense, although I have never felt like that. Personally I am happy to 'jump in and get physical' if lust and a connection between us is there, and the romance bit comes later. However, I concede that the romance part has often failed to follow, and your way of doing things is probably better.

I would percieve it as you being much more in control of yourself than me, less likely to act on impulse and more likely to end up doing the right thing.

How secure does this woman seem in herself? She could be worried that you're not physically attracted to her and be doubting herself, or be worried that because she's happy to get physical more quickly you might look down on her? Presumbably you are and you don't and I would reinforce that and explain it exactly like you have done here.

Yeah, I'm afraid she won't believe me, that I really AM interested in getting to know her (NTs are used to people lying about their feelings a lot).

I have tried to emphasize this by doing more than I normally would to make her feel like I am interested... like sending an e-card after our first "date" and getting her a xmas present (she didn't get me one).

As for what you said about "getting physical" soon, I have done that many many times, and I think that mixing those chemicals into the situation just messes me up. People think they are in love, when really they are in lust.

I explained it to her, so I hope she does understand. But I think she is used to someone just "jumping in", so it maybe feels strange to her.

Exactly. I hate even holding hands with someone unless I feel truly romantic or close to them.

I kinda think part of it is that NTs are great at cooking up the artificial, so they can do that well off the start just to set the tone faster. Also, a part of not having to constantly pretend as if your viewing yourself from a third person perspective and screening all your behaviors is that it takes a lot less time for that feeling of authentic emotion to surface. A lot of what we do really mimics shyness in the sense that shy people throw up a big wall of protection, we have something similar but its more of a necessary living skill and it takes a while for us to actually get in the groove with another person and find a romantic wavelength that works for us emotionally, mentally, and on which we can actually convey our feelings in a way that our partners will easily understand (so we have to calculate WAY more into the basics, even if not quite so much into the guile).

Great point! You are right. I know what you mean about "mimics" shyness... she definitely misinterpreted my hesitation as basic shyness, and didn't seem to understand that I want to wait.


Exactly!

Here's what happened. She lost interest in me. Either she felt "rejected" to the point where she was too afraid to get to know me, or she just didn't see that much potential in the first place.

Anyway, I am just ASSUMING she lost interest, based on her not being that excited to get together with me. Maybe she is just "playing it cool." Who knows? Now, I am the one losing interest.

Ho hum.... God has SOMEONE for me. Where IS she?????

After watching all my friends get into romantic relationships, it seems like 90% of them started by spending ten minutes chatting to someone and then spend the rest of the night making out or just have sex right away. If they had a good time THEN they get to know the person and end up dating. I'm the opposite. My feelings for people need time to develop.

I'm often not even ATTRACTED to a person until I know them really well. I don't develop romantic or sexual feelings for a person until some time passes. It's frustrating for me because I'm quite a sexual person but I have absolutely no desire to have casual sex. I would rather be single forever than be irresponsible sexually. I need to know that I am liked and appreciated before I am willing to be romantic with a person. I mean, physical attraction is necessary, but it's not an indicator of whether you're actually going to get along with someone long term.

I understand what you're saying because it seems like you lose a lot of opportunities if you are not willing to be physical or romantic with someone right away. They think you aren't interested or are a prude.

This is why people go through girlfriends and boyfriends at the accelerated rate that they do - they get physical or romantic too soon.