Arguments (You may not be able to avoid them forever)

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This is not necessarily an Aspie-related query. The reason this is a concern to me is my mother has gone through three guys since I've known her and none of those relationships were particularly great/functional, and I therefore only really know what NOT to do in a relationship. SO...

Arguments will very likely happen in any relationship that lasts long enough. They do not have to be catastrophic and they definitely do not have to end the relationship. They're not even necessarily unhealthy. For those of you who have been in, are in, or have seen good, lasting, healthy relationships, what are the arguments like, and how do the people in the relationship cope with them?

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Here are some questions I have, but any extra information you may volunteer is welcome. Please note that argument in my opinion differs from a disagreement or debate, it is more emotionally charged (or has some kind of emotional stake such as annoyance) but still not a fight (which would be something to avoid at all costs but still not necessarily physical). However if you have other information to give that's fine too. Also note I use "you" but if you have seen but not experienced this, share, I just don't want to go crazy with grammar trying to generalize everything.

How long did you go without your first argument in any or all of your relationships?

How tense do things generally become during an argument? (Perhaps a scale of one to ten rating, one being completely relaxed, ten being a panic attack.)

How often do you argue? The frequency of arguments which are minor or major would also be helpful.

What do you tend to argue about?

How do you resolve or end your arguments?

How fast are you able to resolve arguments?

How do you relieve tension or otherwise mitigate arguments?

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Some tips I've already been able to accumulate are:

*You know you are reaching your own breaking point if your speech or thoughts become disorganized or less coherent.

*When you feel that you are reaching your breaking point or some point of no return, stop the argument and go off by yourself for awhile, like on a walk or even to another room. ((I might add that it would be useful to explain what you're doing and not just bolt.))

*Likewise, if you know you are going to freak out or lose control and there is no way to stop yourself from doing so, get away from the other person if you think you'll freak out on them. ((This is what I associate with the movie cliché of a b----y woman stepping into another room and screaming but this is probably not exactly what was intended.))

*If you are both talking at once, explicitly stop both of you from talking, and say either "you go first" or "I'll go first but then I'll let you talk." This allows you both to feel you are being heard. If you do this, though, be prepared to keep yourself from interrupting even if something is said which ticks you off.

*Actually ask what you sound like to the other person, i.e. do you sound rational, and do you sound logical. ((This is not to say ask if what you're saying is something they agree with, but if you sound like you've got a grip. If you don't, it's probably not the best idea to continue at your present course.))

*Only focus on one specific issue at a time, if at all possible. Don't bring up every little thing the other person ever did to annoy you, either.

*Don't cave in, and don't stonewall. ((There is by the way a difference between caving in and the next few bits of advice.))

*Compromise if you possibly can.

*If you absolutely cannot continue an argument without losing control but do not feel the issue is resolved, stop talking about it and say you will get back to it when you're less agitated (or whatever you're feeling or think the other person is feeling).

*PICK YOUR BATTLES. Don't take issue with every little thing. Another good slant to this is not to argue about something you know nothing about (see next point).

*If you are unsure about something, admit that you may be wrong and say you will look into it or research it.

*If you do truly feel strongly about something, it may be worth taking a stand on. Don't be a doormat.

*Recognize moods of the other person. There are times when people would tell you humans don't REALLY need oxygen to breathe if they're in a certain type of mood; that is not a good time to try to get them to do something or change their mind about something.

*((This is more information than advice but still useful)): If someone corrects you, this may be a sign they are going to argue with you.

Wow that was a long post
I must confess I didn't quite finish it. But I thought I would share my observations.

It seems that for some people arguments are absolutely necessary. My friend and his wife can barely get through a day without some sort of argument. It has always been a joke among our friends. I think they enjoy it just as much as sex. In their case, this works. I think it cements their relationship and avoids resentments.

I however, do not feel the need for arguments. I have a much more relaxed personality. If there is a difference of opinion I just don't get that emotional about it. So debating or talking things through might be necessary, but without the emotion involvement of an argument.

I don't know how much I'll be able to contribute, having never been in a serious relationship, but the subject has always interested me.

Serissa this is a very honest and accurate post. I say this from experience over the years with the help of therapists and my own reading. Not to "flatten" or simplify the importance of what you wrote I can merely try to answer your questions with one answer. That is: remember as we age we learn and grow and often in order to learn about someone we have to read about them and not just go on what we currently know. I could be a fool here for saying this but I am in fact doing just this. It may be in futility for all I know. You pose very honest questions. I couldn't possibly answer them all with respect to my relationship but you've given me reminder of questions I've had on top of other questions I have. Thanks.

I hate arguing. When I was a kid, my parents would often start arguing with me when I said something innocent so I just avoided speaking to them. Now I will do anything to avoid arguments. Thankfully, my boyfriend also hates arguing so during our 2-year relationship we argued maybe 5 times (and I would call only one of those arguments a major one). Usually it looks like this:
me: you didn't clean up even though you said you would
boyfriend: and you always criticise me and never compliment me
and so on...
Eventually, one of us says it's silly and we shouldn't argue about such minor things.
We had our major argument about me sleeping with girls (no, I didn't cheat on him - just so you know ). It was my fault - I couldn't express what I was thinking and was being too honest.

I don't mind the concept of arguing. It's actually one of the most sincere forms of verbal communication (and communication is good in relationships). Arguing is almost a requirement in a relationship because it allows the people involved to settle differences and work them out instead of them building up inside the people and becoming much more of a problem. Also, the make-up afterwards erases any temporary discord in the relationship caused by the argument, and strengthens the relationship...

I just don't like arguments that are largely yelled out. I prefer a calm, collected argument where the parties involved settle differences like adults, not children... That's probably just my sensitivity to yelling making me feel that way though...