Trust and all that Jazz

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, First off, some history. 21, male, never really had hard time findings gf's, spent most of my teenage years up to about 18-19 I guess, cheating my way through every relationship, didn’t really have a care in the world, I call them my "w*ker" days, because, I was a bit of a c**t in a relationship. But now, I have decided, that’s no way to live and cheating is horrible blah blah blah, im sure you know the soppy "coming to terms with what I’m doing" crap.

Problem: Now I have met a girl, a lovely girl I do really love very much, the first person to actually give me feelings other then "she's fit" I do feel things for her, I feel she loves me etc etc. BUT (dun dun durrrr) I find it hard to trust her.

Basically, I KNOW she wouldn’t cheat on me, I know that like gravity will push me down, I KNOW that if she did like someone else, she wouldn’t chat to them and stuff in front of me, she'd hide it, and I KNOW that she loves me, she thinks the world me and all that kind of stuff, I can't think why but that’s just my low self esteem lol.

So why do I find it hard when, say this Justin kid she used to work with, texts her asking her to this pub/club thing, then as I am driving her home from picking her up from work she chats to him on the phone, just like no can't come blah blah. My instinct tells me, he may like her, and if I think about it, truly, I know she wont cheat on me with him, she wouldn't chat to him and text him like that in front of me and if she did like him, would do more to talk to him. I know this, so why do I sometimes feel bad (note its not really him but anyone could be that person)

Is that normal, is that normal of only being together a short while? Does trust like that come with time, will, say in a year time (if we are still together) that not bother me? I just don't know you see, having never really cared about anyone I’ve never had this. I guess if I am honest I am a bit scared of losing her, but I think this will all go with time as we get used to each other, trust builds etc, but that’s just my logical thinking

Maybe someone can confirm...or not lol I think I'm right in that these things take time and that’s normal for only being with each other a short while but it's hard for me to actually know!!

Thanks

Do you have a lot of mass? Because then she will gravitate to you

...sorry that was bad

I don't know. But as somebody who finds it hard to trust, it definitely comes with time IMO. IF it stands the test of time and you don't bale out or pre-empt rejection.

Maybe you have had experience of being rejected, we all have. Or maybe you don't trust the guy because you would do the same if you were not taken.

You have to fight against that fear. It is the similar with friends I think. There is always a chance that they will dump you as a friend. But you have to focus on reason why they wouldn't. Then when you are sort of half way you still feel it, but you know how far you've gone so you might as well continue.

I don't know if that made sense.

I wonder if you don't trust her or if it's the guy you don't trust?

You are a guy. In your mind maybe you are thinking....I know what that guy wants.

Alot of females get along with males more than females as far as friendship goes and don't think that the guy is out to plunder her treasure chest. Maybe you feel that her friend is after that?

If you dont get a grip on your brain on this one you are going to drive her to do what you fear that she might. The trust issue is your own guilt from your prior years. Dont ruin it.

All The Best,
Sea

I know how you feel and I absolutely hate that feeling which is why I'm staying single right now.

I've never cheated on anyone before but I know how guys are and I know when I have a girlfriend what her guy friends really want from her. Sure there are some guys who are friends with women who dont secretly want to have sex with them but how do I know who the good guy friends are from the bad ones?

I can't help but worry about which of her guy friends are scheming their way to be more then just friends some day. And even though you can trust your girlfriend you dont trust them and it bothers you that she is ok with spending time with these wolves in sheeps clothing. You wonder if she is aware that this guy probably just wants to get in her pants someday, and if she is then why does she want to hang out with him when she has you?

I dont think that feeling ever goes away and there is really nothing you can do about. Some guys just get it and some dont... I wish I was one of the guys who didnt get that feeling though.

By the way, the reason I'm like this is because everytime I've been cheated on by a girl it was with one of her guy friends who they assured me they had zero interest in like that.

You're just feeling insecure b/c you really care about this girl and you're taking her seriously, so you have more feelings invested which means more pain if she did something to hurt you.

Last edited by cornflower on 07 Jan 2008, 3:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

One thing you should know about girls is that if a guy friend betrays her by trying to scheme here--well there is no 'someday'. It's a betrayal. So is talking to your friends about your sex life with her, passing photos, ect. Betrayal. Don't worry about getting caught. When a friend who is my friend BECAUSE I trust that my sexual safety is safe with him, thinks privately about a relationship and worse schemes or waits out for one, well---there is nothing worse. Think of your girls in this sense. It is usually the mates FEAR and constant nagging about jealously that CREATES, not the breach of trust, but the absense of you due to your inability to trust. And there he is to fall back on. This is where the misconception lay.


Lacking trust sort of brings an ugliness to the relationship.


Self security is paramount.

It could go wrong either way. Know it always. So you don't lose your life in the process.

Thanks for the help everyone, sure I think part of the problem of my self, I know what I, well used to be like, so I guess every bloke is thinking the same thing. I have never met the bloke, she has said about 2-3 things about him, but as i said don't think its about him it could be anyone. She is going out next Friday and I am working so I can't go, he will probably go, that will be the real test, it just bugs the s**t out of me, I can say to my self YES I trust her. and I can sit here now and say even if he goes out to pub next fri and she goes or anyone for that matter, forget him, ANYONE, I can trust her, and I believe that, I really do, so what is this slight feeling. Is that what goes over time?

I feel, now I do trust her a bit more, as in, there is less of that feeling. She is out right now with people from work, and I am not worried at all really, just bit down couldn't go with her. I think this will go with time, just wanted to see what everyone else thought.