dating someone with AS- advice

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Hi all, for the past few months I have been dating a lovely guy. Yes he's "shy" and initially I had to do all the running or "seducing" but we have loads in common and get on very well. He can be a bit quiet and isn't great about verbalising his feelings towards me but he isn't unaffectionate. To be honest, I would not have guessed he had mild aspergers if he hadn't recently told me in a drunken conversation. I know I'm his first relationship and I really want it to work so I was wondering if you guys had any advice as to how I can make things easier for him.

I'm a very affectionate and tactile person and he doesn't mind that at all but he has had problems having the dreaded "talk" about us being an official couple etc although he has skirted around the issue. He has his obsessions- namingly music and football but I share those interests so that's not a problem. I care about him and would love to help him in any way I can, I've read up on the subject but is it best to not talk about this and carry on? thanks guys!x

Usually those with AS like to be very direct about such things, not evasive. Roughly how old are you two? Some people with AS do take longer to mature and he may not feel ready to talk about adult things. Others seem to mature faster than the general population and be very responsible at a very young age. I'd say... be careful not to excuse his behavior in the name of AS when it might just be due to his core personality, state of maturity, conscious decison, etc. Knowing about Asperger's may help you understand him, but make sure you take good care of yourself, too. Don't start writing off too many of your own needs in order to accomodate him, because both your needs are legitimate. I've read about women who fall into the trap of trying to accomodate every quirk of their AS partner and then get fed up and angry because the guy never does the same in return. In order for a person with AS to have a healthy relationship, that person needs to be aware that relationships can be real work, and he needs to regard the work as being worthwhile. Observe whether or not your guy is one of the ones who understand that.

Most AS guys are really nice and if you are clear about your needs, they will do their best. Others are very stubborn and will not do anything outside their tiny comfort zone. I once broke up with a guy with undiagnosed AS in part because he expected me to come to events that had to do with his special interests (and I was delighted to give him that), but he refused to look at or participate in anything that I liked in return. You obviously care a lot about him, but staying realistic is a good move, just for your own sake. If it's bothering you right now that he doesn't verbalize his feelings for you (this isn't necessarily an AS trait, btw), you should accept that this probably isn't going to get any better unless he is the type of guy who wants to work hard to please the one he loves.

I focused on a lot of negative things there, but I'm just talking about potential problmes. There are many good things about AS and there are many great people who have it. Everybody is different. Right now I am dating someone with AS who is very attentive, affectionate, mature, considerate, honest, open, etc. We don't have any of those problems at all.



It's great that you share interests! That is a great asset to any relationship.

As for talking about AS, it probably depends on how much he thinks about it. If he considers AS to be just some diagnosis he got, and just lives his life without thinking much about it, then it probably won't come up much. If he struggles with many things and it's on his mind a lot, he might want to talk more. Just ask him whether it bothers him to talk about it.

Thanks for the reply. He is 24 and I'm 27, on a maturity level I find him to be very mature, in that way we get along great. I think maybe it's just because he hasn't experienced a relationship before and maybe that's the problem, rather than his AS. I think I'll wait until he wants to talk about it before raising the issue, I don't want to make a thing of it at all! In certain areas he can be very accommodating so I don't think there will be any major problems, I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing! thanks x

Maybe this is new to him, he may not know how to proceed.