Where to turn?

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I didn't really know where to turn, so I've come here to get some weight off my mind. I feel kind of bad sharing my woes on WP after turning my back on it for so long, but I really don't have anyone else I can talk to.

I haven't had the chance to go on WP lately because I've been so busy having the time of my life. A few months ago I started dating my best friend in the whole world - I can't think of anyone I've ever known who was more important to me. She's always been the only person I can really open up to, the person I have the most fun with, and more than anything else, the one person I respect and trust most of all.
But of course, it blew up in my face. We argued a little, but no more than we ever did as friends, and we never went to sleep before resolving things. Over Christmas, we both went to stay with our families... and when we came back, her head was full of ideas of traveling the world after University finishes in a few months. Not wanting to continue with a relationship that had lost its future, she broke up with me. But I really do love her, and I want her to pursue her dreams, and to be happy. And I suppose, it'd only hurt more if we'd carried on until the end. At least this way I get a chance to come to terms with it. And... it didn't really hurt that bad, because I knew we'd still have each other there when we need each other. It brought us closer together as friends.

Since then, I've felt like a wedge is gradually being driven between us. At first, we still spent evenings watching films together and hugging, and watching TV with her sat on my knees. But slowly, she's wanting to spend less and less time with me - I'm trying my hardest to be just as I was before we were a couple, even though it hurts constantly, but still she pushes me away. We now spend less time together than we used to - she never wants me to sit in her room while we work, she never sets foot in my room, she changed lecture groups so we don't study together at all, she moves away to a different chair if I sit near her. Every now and then we have a nice moment together watching a film, but it's getting to be so infrequent that it just doesn't compensate for the hurting that comes in between.

I've already lost a partner I dearly loved, more than any other person in this world. I'm now scared that I'm going to lose my best friend.

You lost her, its time to move on. Nothing in life is forever. Castles made of sand, drift into the sea, eventually.

That really sucks, sorry to hear about it

On the other end though, that's the risk of starting a relationship though, its almost always a permanent paradigm shift. About the only way she'd really stay close right now is if she ended up in a long term relationship with one of your close guy friends; given time, being around each other, and having that weirdness wear off is about the only way you could regalvinize your friendship. Too many mixed emotions tend to get involved though usually, no matter what.

I think if anything though, especially if she pushed for the relationship or if you both mutually glided into it, take it that 1) it happened, its life experience, and you can't get too attached to people and 2) if you would have pushed any interest from her aside and pushed your own interest down just to remain friends, you would have lost her from either not reflecting her interest back or alternatively she needed to date someone sometime - if it got serious, you'd probably be out after a while even if the guy wasn't particularly jealous. Its very difficult for a guy and girl to be platonic friends just because all that stuff factors in and its very rarely ever permanent when it does happen.

...and wouldn't you know it, if you started up a new relationship, she'd be back like overdue bills... nah, not serious, but it is interesting to note that sometimes having 'appeal' to one woman makes the others wonder what they're missing.

Maybe you can go back to being friends someday. Never say never.

I'm sorry to hear this. You were so happy! I'm sorry for the comment I made in the photos thread--I hadn't read this yet.

It seems like she really wants that space. I guess there's little to be done about it, but I know it must hurt a great deal.

I really don't mind that the relationship is over, I agree with her that there's no point continuing with a relationship that has a predetermined end. That side of things, I don't mind. The hard part is living under the same roof and spending every day watching someone who means the world to you gradually fall further and further out of love. I'd hoped that we could've carried on supporting each other emotionally like we did at first, but we really are just drifting apart. When I spend more than a fraction of the day around her, she gets frustrated and angry - I have to leave the living room in my house when she comes in, otherwise an argument will start. So I avoid going out when she does (even though her friends are my friends too), but then end up facing criticism for being boring. I'd rather be out having fun, but it's hard to have fun when the one person you really want to see smile is the one person who doesn't seem to want you there. But it's not always like this, because there are still some truly special things we do together...
I can face up to losing our relationship, but I wasn't ready to lose her love just yet.

Cloud, the one side of it you can't control - ie. her.

Have you talked to your friends about the situation though? I think you'd rather sit some of them down and talk to em if they don't know why you don't want to be out with them. Of course don't say anything negative, but let them know that for some reason things aren't going well between the two of you (or however you best think would describe in and said in a way you think your friends would understand). Hopefully they can be supportive of both of you to a point. Just let them know that your trying to respect her space and your trying to keep the drama to a minimum.

Thanks for the advice. I don't tend to get the chance to talk to my other friends alone, because when I do she accuses me of bad-mouthing her to them. That in itself never turns into a blazing row, but it always makes for an awkward silence... and a feeling as if I've pushed her further away. I'll certainly think on it, though - work out who I can trust well enough to talk to them *without* them telling anyone else every single detail.

At that point though she's driving a wedge - DON'T let that happen. I'd say stand up to her on it, otherwise she's controlling your behavior in a way thats really bad for you in the long term. That and who's to say she isn't doing the same thing, I don't know if I'd say that straight out to her but just remind her subtlely that on one end you have no idea whether or not she's talking about you - but at the same time your willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, that if she can't - that situations already showing enough trust issues where you may want to stop caring what she thinks all together. My advice is hang out with your friends, go absolutely out of your way not to say a single bad thing about her or much at all (keep it minimal and nondescript if they do ask questions, try to be fair and just explain the situation analytically if they offer it themselves that she's acting kind of shady). She may realize she's doing it, she may not, but still, I don't think your friendships should have to crash and burn just because you two are on the decline or she feels like she needs to slowly sever ties; her paranoia isn't your problem and you need to remember that.




Yeah, be very careful about how you play it and make sure you keep yourself looking as dignified as possible - its about the only way you can keep them and yourself out of the blame games. Again, if you do talk about it be very precise and analytical, don't let the adjectives out and be ultra-calm and poised in talking about it; let them know your trying to solve these problems and in the midst of it all, that they (your friends) mean a lot to you and you don't want to put distance on them just because of it. They need to know that your intentions of talking about things are to keep the group together and keep people from feeling like they have to take any particular side.

The time for all this great advice will have to come later - the night is dead and everyone has come home from the club. Now is the time to cave in and show the world just how easily my heart rules me - after all, she's asked if I want to watch a few DVDs together, and I don't have the strength to say no.
Anyway - thanks, and I really mean that. Just having someone to talk to and give me advice is making a world of difference.

You don't need to say no, just don't let her rule other areas of your life, that's all .