I don't want to loose her, HELP

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I have a question for people who have been or are in a relationship with someone without AS. My question is how do you deal with melt downs and blow ups and all the other fits that may occur in the relationship?

You see I am in this relationship that is amazing and I really don't want to loose it just because one day, one of my fits gets out of control. I haven't hit anyone in a long time, but I do get very violent and thrash when I freak out. I throw things a lot and I know this bothers her, but I just cant express it any other way. I REALLY don't want to loose her!! !![b]

That stuff is hard to deal with as a partner of someone doing it. I'm sure it isn't easy for you either but there's going to need to be work on both sides. For you, management of whatever triggers bring you to that point before you get there...and better coping skills when you do. For her, understanding and patience.

Her part will be easy compared to yours, but just as this has become a coping mechanism, so can something better. I hate to sound all ABA on you, lol, but you can train yourself out of at least some of that - with effort.

Sounds like you may need some ativan and some other good meds. I don't think there is much you can do. You probably scare her when you get all violent and she probably feels you may hit her, which there is no reason why she shouldn't have this fear.

I guess you could try to explain to her why you go ape s**t every now and then.

I'm afraid this is good advice. Meds, in this case, might work. Maybe not ativan....or Clonapin....but a good doctor (not even a psychiatrist) can tell you. As to losing her:

In a calm moment, sit down with her and say, "Look, I've got two serious problems. One, I don't want to lose you, 2, I'm AS, and I need to tell you what that means, because sometimes, no matter what it seems like, when I get mad, it's not at you, and it's not anything I can control. I'm working on it."

Or something like that.

Good luck
Beentheredonethat

Yeah, I would definately seek help, either counselling and/or meds. And tell your GF how bad you feel, how much she means to you, and that you want to help yourself. That way you're addressing the problem, and trying to fix it, and also being honest.
But when you talk to her, make sure you don't sound really desperate, as in 'if you leave me I'll kill myself'... even if that's how you feel, you don't want to put any emotional pressure on her. Be clear that it's your issue, and you want to deal with it, so that you can both be happier.

Zee:
Thanks for putting in what I left out.
btdt

That's probably the best advice right there... she needs to know that you may get mad, but not necessarily at her.

Another thing is a way to vent frustration in constructive ways (one of those things I picked up in anger management)... Now I take long walks by myself as a means of both keeping frustration levels down, as well as my hour a day of personal space where I don't get disturbed...

1. Explain your condition
2. Tell her what to do in a meltdown (ie: Just walk away and leave me alone)
3. Reassure her that you won't harm her and that you love her.

I forgot to add, is there something you can channel all your frustrated energy into - like a sport, or some sort of hobby?

I used to play Rugby witch was a great way to get out my aggression and whatever other energy I had. But unfortunately I could not handle the SOCIAL part of rugby. They make you come to these "socials" and force you to drink and I really really really really cant handle that!! Also my grades started to slip because of the huge time commitment they expected from us. BUT DANG DO I MISS RUGBY!! !! !! !
I go for walks and runs, but it never seems to be enough.
If anyone has a good way to channel frustration I would be up for some suggestions. Thank you.

If you can stand it - maybe aggressive music such as metal? It can help me focus anger when I'm in such a state and just helps regulate it on other occasions. Music in general is just really a great help, too, at least for me.

Otherwise - I'm not sure if you're into gaming - but try an easy shooter that just allows you to go on a killing spree without dying or something. Helps vent aggression for me. If you're without any talent or liking for gaming, though, and just die or lose a lot, it could have the opposite effect by frustrating you.

Just two ideas. Probably not the best out there.

I've also suffered from what are basically temper tantrums - my family thankfully knows to leave me alone when they happen, now - but they've just gotten less regular as I've gotten older (I'm not completely dismissing the possibility mine are the result of hormones, but still.) Music, lots of introspection, and just keeping away from things when they start to stress me out - or keeping a tight grip on myself if that's not a possibility - seem to have helped me most.

Aspies are usually not good in team sports , in fact most aspie are failure when it comes to team sports.....and I am not talking about the social part of sport but in playing the game itself.

Your condition might not be asperger , you might have some hormones imbalance .You should seek a doctor before seeking a neurologist.

Tried kick boxing or martial arts? 'Brake few boards over your head' that's a joke by the way...

Or if you miss rugby so much, can't you just forgo the social events, or go for a short time, and then make some excuse and leave?
I don't see why Aspies can't be good at team sports, I always enjoyed them... and there's a lot of solo sports, like badminton, or tennis, or swimming, etc.

Meditation might help.

I am the girlfriend of an Aspie who is pretty much the same way. His fuse is very very short, and when he gets to a point where his anger is too big for him to express verbally, he does hit or throw things. It really freaked me out the first time it happened, and I thought .... what the ??? what did I get myself into? I've been with him for a long time now, and I know more about Asperger and the reason for the way he expresses himself. I cannot say however, that I am used to it. It isn't normal behavior, and although during his fits I do understand that he can't help himself, that doesn't stop me, as an NT, from feeling hurt or even angry that he cannot control himself. I don't know if that makes any sense.

The best advice I can give you is this: You WILL have fits. You WILL scare her, sooner or later. But it is important for ANY woman to always know and feel that she is important in your life. It is amazing how tolerable we can be, as long as we know your feelings for us are genuine. During times when you are not having a meltdown, treat her well. BE HONEST. And if you really don't want to hurt her, you will tell her that as much as her maternal instincts tell her she needs to sit through a meltdown with you and make you feel better ... the best thing she can do is to stay away during these times. Now a lot of people may disagree with me on this one but I say this from so much past experience. I have tried to "save him" so many times and now I know that there is nothing to save him from! It is the way he is. And for my own sanity, I need to give both of us that space.

Hope this helps... =)