Marriage Issues

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This is my first post here.

I probably have AS, I have not been diagnosed with anything.
My wife also apparently has AS, and from what I have read, NVLD and alexithymia
. She has two brother Dx'ed with ADD/ADHD, and one apparently with selective mutism. She considers herself completely normal and extremely socialy competent.

She has been a very poor partner, and considers her family to be the focus of her life, and her marriage is just a necessary part of life.

I am strongly considering divorce, but we already have a wonderful child, and another is due very soon.

Whenver I try to speak to her about my problems she tells me that she has already done all that she possibly can, and if I am not happy I should see a psychologist. When have told her in the past I was seriously considering divroce she told me to stop threatening her, and if thats what I want, I should just go ahead and do it. Recently we seperated. She was on bedrest for her pregnancy at her parents, and I told her to stay. Again, she tells me she won't deal with such heavy-handed tactics.

I have in the past been very good to her, but I only got unpleasantness in return.

Any suggestions how to approach her?



[I hate writing a post like this which sounds very one sided, but its the best I can do. Thats how I see the situation.]

I hope this may help you....

Last edited by rushfanatic on 31 Jan 2008, 3:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hello, there...As a wife with aspie traits who has been married to an NT for 21 yrs. ,may i offer some words? Ok, here goes....whatever your decision may be between divorcing and hanging in there for the long haul, let me please remind you that you two will still be a part of each other's lives for the next 18+ years, sharing custody, birthdays,appointments, court dates, etc...she soounds like a strong-minded person, and if she really wants to fight for custody, be prepared for battle.....It is a real shame to hear of marriages who are struggling, I think of the older generation who stayed together literally forever , and they had the same isuues as we have today.. Is there some way you could meet for mediation? Counseling? Trying to go out together for a short while? Try to focus on what brought you two together in the first place, what you liked about each other..No on eis perfect, and there is no perfect marriage..We cannot change the person we marry, only make changes to accomodate a marriage united... I really wish you the best...Hang in there, love your children, breathe in life, you'll be okay.......Peace...I am not trying to sound like Mary Poppins, but I am surrounded by dear folks who have endured divorces with their children, and the kids took the heaviest toll of all..Divorces are incredibly expensive, take about 2 yrs. to finalize, and also takes a few years to heal from the experience....

I have had only bad experiences with counseling. The first one I went to (also the most proffesional) convinced me to stay with her, before we had any children. I think he also recognized that she was AS, but didnt want to tell me. The other counslers generally made things worse, especially by leaving her with a feeling that she had nothing to change.


I think that if she was healthily aware of AS she would be great, but now she has a conflict between what she is and how she wants to see herself, and the illusion is winning.
I am hesitant to ask her to get an evaluation (and she would agree to go), for two reasons. One, I am worried that an incompetent psychologist will tell her she's fine, and then there is no where to go from there. Two, I don't know how she would take a diagnosis, and a strong denial wont help matters.

She does not seem to be prepared to recognize the costs of divorce, and she is not prepared to do too much to avoid it. How can these costs be brought up?

That's a very rough situation... I can't say I can offer much advice...

When you say her Family is her focus... what exactly does that mean? Aren't you family now? Doesn't sound like she accepts marriage as a partnership... and still expects her life to be similar to how it was before... maybe... I'm no expert...

I have aspergers and lots more and I feel my husband is oalso n the Autistic spectrum but chooses not to want to know about.

I had huge problems with my husband, when we started having children. Instead of him being very supportive of me, he acted like a spoiled child wanting more attention.

Being an asperger person we may not always show emotion, in the way others seem to need it. My way can be doing everything ie. like your wife looking after the family, which to her may be her way of showing her appreciation for you - but you may want a different kind of appreciation from her.

The only way around this is to really talk, but unfortunately the worse time usually is when have very young children, as its a very demanding time for both of you anyway. But if you can support and give her as much help as you can, I'm sure she will being to appreciate you more. You really need to come together as a team for the children's sake, with such a demanding role (new family) little things can much such a different..

Counseling is usually useless. It's a stop-gap which enables you to hold on but will never address the real problems.

In almost every marriage, the biggest problem is communication - this is even more true for aspie marriages. We never say what we mean and we never listen between the words to someone else's argument - particularly not if we've heard the same phrases over and over again.

1. Make sure that she doesn't have post natal depression - you have no idea how this affects women (and their partners).

2. Take positive steps - you loved her once, you can do it again - but only if both partners work hard. Every marriage cools after a few years and becomes hard work. It pays off.

My marriage was pretty much single-handedly saved by Marriage Encounters (http://www.wwme.org/)

Find a Weekend in your area and Go on it.

It is run by the Catholic Church but while I'm a Catholic I'm not at all religious - I was very cautious about it but ended up having nothing to worry about - they don't shove anything down your throat.

Their weekends are very hard work. You go to a nice place and have nice meals etc but the rest of the time is divided between lectures about marriage and lots and lots of practice (real) sessions.

You and your partner are taught how to communicate and given rules to prevent you from upsetting each other. You're then asked to discuss a series of things starting from very simple topics and gradually working your way to the meat of the relationship.

You're not asked to share your stories with the group - it's very private.

Honestly - it's very difficult but very very worthwhile.

Some great advise, especially point 1, I had post natal depression and did not even known, except everything seemed hard work and I was just very unhappy all the time. I was lucky I did bond with my children, unlike some people I know.

Point 2. the fun part does seem to stop when you first have children and it can seem like just hard work, unless you both work together as a team.

Communication.... period....

It can't be a one way street, however, and it sounds to me like you're the only one who wants to communicate. The one thing EVERY recovery program I've heard of has in common is, the person involved has to REALIZE there's a problem and ACCEPT that they have it... From what you're saying, and I accept that it's "one sided", she doesn't think "she has a problem". She thinks that you do.

Well.

If that's really what she thinks then she's right, you DO have a problem. Unfortunately it's her. Or, it's you... if that's the case, do you really think there's anything you can and would change in yourself? Those are the horrible questions you have to ask yourself in a situation like that. Been there... still have the scars. I made a choice to stay, and to stop arguing. I walked away from every fight she picked. I swallowed every word I was about to say that could be turned against me. I walked outside to cool off, when the air conditioning was on and it was 90+ degrees outside. That was over 10 years ago and I'm still here. Things got much better in some ways, and much worse in others. But it's home. You have to look inside and make that choice, but "staying for the kids" doesn't work. It doesn't do a kid any good to see their parents being poisonous to each other. You're going to have to choose what works for you, and once you start, stick to it. It's hard, believe me, I know....

Yes. Either divorce her or quit threatening to.

She has told you this already. Listen to her. If she's aspie, she means what she says.

Whatever you choose, you have to find a way to work out your problems and pull together as parents.

Legally we are family, but she is still emotionally commited to her previous family.


I know that I should do this. I keep failing here because I feel like I should give her a last chance to prevent that divorce, and I also feel that I have nothing to lose at this point by pressuring her like this. I have never used divorce as a threat until I had decided that I would do it if nothing changes.
But you are right anyway.

Communication is the most important thing - but how do you communicate with someone who is not interested?

I will explicitly point out the implicit "but if you need a stop-gap, counselling can be useful" in this sentence...

Well, you weren't really explicit about what's going on. But I don't see how "shape up or ship out" is going to help, even if it can't make matters worse.



Why are you so sure she's not interested? Maybe you're not reading her correctly. She is aspie and won't express things the way an NT will.

I have had lots of guys think I didn't care when that wasn't true at all, because I was calm and rational in arguments, or because I tend to withdraw when upset.

Why don't you ask her if she wants to improve the relationship and ask her to get some kind of counselling with you to solve your problems? You will probably get a direct answer, especially if you ask her a yes/no question. Telling her first that you love her and that YOU would like to work it out will help, assuming those two things are true.

1. This sounds so much like Post Natal Depression that I'm sure that's exactly what it is. If that's the case, a NT woman wouldn't be able to communicate - so an aspie, even more so. She's probably not even aware of the problems she's causing.

My wife was PND and we didn't pick it up until about 2 years after the birth.

As my wife describes it;

"it's like walking around in a fog - people with PND can't listen, comprehend etc... it's all on autopilot. It's not until you start recognizing the problem that the fog will start to lift so you can see what's been going on".

If you leave her in this state you will lose a lot and you will both regret it.

She won't be able to resolve it without a lot of personal counseling herself and it sounds like she'd be very busy with the new baby. If possible, it would be best if she could get one-on-one counseling with a PND specialist before the birth.


2. Take some Couple Time Out - You can't talk with a baby/toddler in the house.

Go away for a weekend with no distractions, no fishing, no TV, no mobile phones nothing. Go out to dinner, stay in your rooms and talk, talk, talk.

Make it a rule that neither or you will slander eachother or fight.

Write a love letter to each other - you write one to her and she will reply. You need to have NO NEGATIVITY in the letter. Talk about how you love her, what things you saw in her when you fell in love, what you admire about her etc... If you remind her of these things, she'll be able to find them again. Similarly, if she reminds you of what you were... you need to work hard to rediscover yourself.

Once your relationship is starting to re-emerge, you can start slowly talking about the possibility of PND and/or counselling.

Don't talk about aspergers or her family until well after the baby is born and you feel more secure in your relationship. Even then, keep it positive.

We had our second son today.


I'm glad I came here for advice - all of it is better than anything I've got until now.
I will be looking into post-partum depression, especially being after a second birth, and likely still with a hangover from the first.
Everyone else also gave me what to think about - I especially appreciated AspieDave's post. Its refreshing to have a clear answer of what it will look like going forward, even if its not so rosy, instead of the 'be nice and itll get better' I've been hearing, which I know is not the way I can expect it to work.

Congratulations!! !! !! !! !! !!

Two sons eh... that's gonna be hard. I've got 2 sons too.

Strongly advise that you talk to the hospital staff or doctor about PND - since you're in the right ward and all.

If you're in a health fund etc, they may also organize some assistance at home for a little while so you can concentrate on your family.