In love with an older guy

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looking for advice:
I know a really wonderful man who seems to like me quite a bit as well, and I can see myself spending the rest of his life (given that I'd probably outlive him by several decades) with him.

The problem: I'm not sexually attracted to him. At all. I can see myself cuddling, but at the idea of sex with him my mind veers away as if I were trying to think of my parents having sex, or something like that - I just don't want to go there.

any advice?

run... no..seriously, if you have problem with aspects of the relationship like that, be friends.

Unless he's asexual and you're willing to give up sex, it won't work.

how much is he older than you? about 20 years? 30 years? what's wrong with girls these days ,all are loving grandpas??

I would guess that he would be very unlikely to accept a relationship with you that didn't involve sex. To keep his as a friend, my best advice would be not to drink alcohol at all his his vicinity. If you do that you risk developing feelings for him that may magically evaporate upon your waking up.

Older male friends are brilliant though, I have plenty.

Talk to him.

I really dislike it when people hand out advice such like the types given above.

You haven't given enough information out here for people to tell you how the relationship will go.
Folks are assuming he wants a sexual relationship even though you never mentioned his ideas about the relationship.

I think you need to determine what the attraction towards him means for you, and what his feelings towards you are.
Then start talking about things, to include physical contact such as cuddling and sex.

I don't know how old you are, but you should take a good look at your life and your dreams.
How will this relationship affect them?

Depending on his age and health, you may wind up being more of a caretaker down the line... would you be willing to stay with him despite health issues that require your attention every day?

What about his family? Does he have brothers, sisters, or children who might object to him having a mate who's very young?
Would there be friction and trouble from them over your relationship?
What about your own family and friends?
If he is, as it sounds, decades older than you, it's possible that your two groups of friends (his and yours) would be hard pressed to accept the older gentleman or the young woman. Would this leave you two alone socially?

I think it is good for you to be thinking about this, but the better answers will come from you and this man... not from the internet.

we're just looking our for her!!

My first question would be - could the two of you have the kind of talk that wsmac describes and genuinely be on a level footing? Or would he be in control? Is he honest, does he really have your best interests in mind? Does he seem to have any capacity for lying, manipulating, or bullying? If yes to any, be very, very careful.

while you may call your opening remarks in your other post, "looking out for her", I do not see it as such.

What I see often on internet forums where people dispense advice is that they make comments about things that are never mentioned... the man's sexual interests here, for example... and the person replying goes off on some diatribe (usually against) concerning the person the OP was writing about.

I have been mentioned before in a post where a woman was seeking advice ... see this post ---> CLICK HERE

I found several of the replies to be way out of line.
People felt compelled to define me and my intentions and actions despite the fact that they had never met me before nor had they ever spoken to me about that whole affair.
They were clueless about the relationship I had with this woman, what was actually said and written back-and-forth between us, and how we eventually worked everything out despite the arrogant and ignorant ramblings of a few 'do-gooders'.

I see it all the time here... someone says they are having an issue with a person no one here at WP knows, yet certain people here on WP feel they can characterize that individual and dispense advice based upon faulty 'knowledge'.

I'm not out to start a big argument with you here, but I do wish people would slow down and think a bit more about what they truly know about the people they are giving advice about/to.

sojournertruth offered up a scant bit or information about her feelings for this man and right away people start claiming he must have sexual interests in her and the relationship will never work if she does not wish to be sexual with him.
I found the posts to be totally off-base.

Read through the posts again... other than your final line in your original post, pakled's reply, and my reply... the rest of the comments seem to be straying from the original information given...

She sounds like she really is fond of this man.
She mentions he 'seems to like' her 'quite a bit as well'.
She says she could see living her life with him until he dies.
She can envision cuddling with him... physical contact... but not having a sexual encounter with him.

That's all she has told us.

sojournertruth, I hope you think this through and keep an open dialog with this man.
Open communication will help you so much in any relationship you have.. friendship or more serious.

well, I was explaining my intentions. and those were my intentions - to help. This forum should not be as cynical as it is about older men, but then, there are odd cases where a healthy dose of cynacism would have stopped someone getting into a horrible situation. I've been in several of those situations, and would hate to see anyone else to get into one. Owing to this, I made a generalisation I had no right to. This was wrong, and was my fault, but please that my heart is in the right place.

I stopped reading the thread you linked to when it mentioned ladder theory - I generally find that that's the place to stop reading. I couldn't see you as a poster, so can only assume that the post was about you - which must have felt awful. I'm sorry.

FWIW, I agree w/ Sarah and her advice in this thread with regard to the dude's intentions. To think this guy doesn't want sex is naive in my eyes.

On the other hand, I generally agree w/ the ladder theory. My intention isn't to hijack this thread so I'm not going to get into it.

not to mention the fact that she will outlive him several decades .. her own words.


I think you need to think on the fact that while you like him very much, you will likely be spending not a long time with him, then losing him and then find yourself not young anymore, who knows in what kind of financial situation and maybe with young kids.

Many things may happen yes, but a significant portion of the possibilities end up with you being on a hard spot.


The sexual attraction thing is another issue. YOU may not be sexually attracted to him but he will be attracted to you. So what then? Have sex with him out of duty? Horrible for you. Have him know that you're in bed with him because you're 'letting' him not because you want to? Horrible for him.


Many things you need to consider in this. Perhaps what you have with him is best left as a very good and fond and deep friendship but not marriage.

I hadn't dated anyone over my age maybe two to three years old at least.

In retrospect I realize my comment about your intentions was poorly worded... my apologies to you.
I certainly should not have questioned your desire to help.
I agree with you about generalizations and I try my best not to make them either.



Yes, I am what LKL called an "NT in unrequitted love..."
For the record, I still feel the same way I have felt about her for several years... but after we worked out our communication better we worked out the whole issue.
This is partly why I fixated on sojournertruth communicating with this man she mentions, the other reason was the communication I had/have with my former wife... sometimes we hit it just right, sometimes we're both way off.



My intention was not to use the other thread as a reference for advice for sojournertruth, just as an example of how advice can be misplaced when the advice-giver speaks about things they know not.

Also, I wish would think your comment over carefully... you do not know this 'dude's' intentions and it is absolutely naive to automatically assume he wants sex.
We do not know his age nor his health condition(s) (can he even have sexual intercourse?).

Mac, here's what we know:

1. OP is a girl in a "relationship" with a guy who is several decades older than he is.
2. OP feels that it is a problem that she is not sexually attracted to this man.

First of all, just the first fact gives us about 90% certainty that this guy wants a sexual relationship with her. Guys do not seek out girls decades younger than them for intellectual companionship or emotional intimacy. The fact that you do not believe this makes me think you are dreadfully out of touch with reality and living inside your head.

The second fact seals the deal and brings us up to about 98% or 99% certainty. When's the last time you thought it was a problem that you weren't sexually attracted to a close platonic friend? Exactly. The fact that OP believes it is a problem that she is not sexually attracted to this man speaks volumes.

She may have not said it exactly, but I'm using Bayes' theorem up in this Motherf***er. QED.

Viska, we don't know that this guy seeked out anything at all here. She interprets his feelings as "...seems to like me quite a bit as well...", could she be mistaken? She has not come out and said he is persuing a relationship with her, just that she is exploring the possibility.
I am not out of touch with reality... I just do not like to read into someone's post when there has not been enough facts given.



-You play with numbers when you are missing too many facts.
-You ask a rhetorical question then answer it as if I agree with you.
-For all we know, sojournertruth is the only person in that relationship who has been thinking about a sexual encounter.

You are a young male, if your info is correct, and you seem to fall prey to stereotyping and then giving advice without asking for more details.

I believe that without more facts, even Bayer's Theorem is not relavent here... but have fun with it anyway.

My caution remains that people who give advice to folks such as sojournertruth, should do so based upon the facts given.
These gross generalizations do not make for good background when giving advice, as I see it, and she is looking for good advice... not a diatribe against older men.
While I do agree that some men seek out younger ladies for sex, this doesn not mean ALL men do.

"While I do agree that some men seek out younger ladies for sex, this doesn not mean ALL men do"

Perhaps there is the one.. one... statistically possible man that is not interested in sex with a younger woman and is willing to not have intimate contact with her for the rest of his days.


Statistically speaking, its a tremendous risk to believe this is the one guy. It's like playing a lottery where you pay up the bulk of the cash prize if you don't get the winning number.

It's her decision and she knows the situation better than us. All I'm saying is that without considering his or her feelings towards each other, on paper, its a really bad idea.