break ups

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My fiancee recently broke up with me. It was overnight and it's been about a week. She said that she'd been unhappy and fell out of love with me, and I had noted her unhappiness and interpreted it as anger at life and our money situation. But I guess she'd been unhappy for longer than I knew.

The thing is, I am taking this break up terribly. I feel betrayed and so depressed. I've been drinking excessively. I am having a meltdown and I left Chicago to go to Omaha, where I have a good support network of NTs that are helping me with my emotions and stuff...my job said I can take as much time as I need but I don't have any money and I'm not sure how long I am staying because my friend bought me a one-way ticket.

This is so much change and the support of my friends means a lot to me but it's still really hard to deal with. It's really hard not to communicate with my ex but I miss her so much and we'd been together for 2.5 years. And now she's already sleeping with people which makes me feel crippling pain to the point where I am stimming a lot (picking at my thumbs, picking at my scalp, picking at my psoriais on my knee and trimming my cuticles/fingernails a lot) I have also been isolating and not eating.

My friends are making sure I am eating and being social but being social requires me to drink. Otherwise I am not social at all.

I don't know what to do or what I'm doing.

Are you familiar with the orangutan defense?

Time heals emotional pain. This time next year, if you can move on, it will hurt less. It would be nice if I could say something that would make the pain go away easily but there isn't. Time and distance will help. Try to forget her, from what you have said she didn't seem nice. Try to develop yourself and do things that make you feel a glimmer of happiness (try to do happy stuff if you can). It's hard and will be hard for a while but try and it will get better slowly.

the chess play? i've heard of it but never really researched it or used it in play. can you explain further?

yeah, time will make it feel better but i am impatient and i want to feel better now. :( i wish i could just sleep for a month, until this all passes. thank you.

Oh yes!

I think this translates as: "Do something you're obsessed with so that you keep your mind off it long enough to heal emotionally. Your AS will serve you well in this regard since it will help you obsess." It's good advice.

It's fine to drink a time or two in this situation, but be careful drinking to much will only had to the depression not help it. I'm like you in that I want instant relief.... unfortunately it won't come instantly. I've often wished they would invent a break up pill you can swallow and it erases only the memory of that person. One day though you will be able to look back on the happy memories and not care anymore it will happen. And if she wasn't able to communicate with you then better now the after you marry... I know none of this is making you feel better but you will work thru this and in time will come out a better stronger person. Just remember to breathe.

Breakups happen and here is why:

You meet someone and you drift into a relationship with them. Then perhaps it is called "going steady" You like them.

Then one day you (or they) ask "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?"

And the answer is no.

This is a really tough choice. You love them in a way and you have nothing against them but you know that you really don't want to spend your life with them.

If you break up you will hurt them then you will hate yourself and want to make it better by making up.

But deep down you still know that they are not the right person for you.

Time really is the best healer.

I got dumped about 2 weeks ago. One moment I'm looking at engagement rings, two hours later I'm being told it's over. She miscarried with my child only a week or so before that. Now she's sleeping around with other blokes.

But, this is about selective memory. Because, I've had to deal with the end of a relationship countless times and what I fail to remember is - and I'm guessing other people do as well - it felt exactly the same last time. In other words, what you are going through is NOT forever, you HAVE to remember that, it's so crucial.

A week from now you will feel better than you do today. A month from then you feel better than you did at that point, and so on.

But I have to agree with what's already been said, drinking won't help - it will prolong what IS an inevitable healing process.

Also, right now, regardless of how you feel about her (I know, easier said than done ), stay well away. No contact whatsoever - especially now she's started sleeping around.

No matter how "justified" or "legitimate" her reasons for breaking up with you are, the fact still remains, a person has chosen to stomp all over your feelings, and what's more, a person who you trusted wholeheartedly. She doesn't deserve the privilege of hearing your voice.

Oh and by the way, these men she's sleeping with? They mean nothing to her, be rest assured of that. She's doing it to get YOU out of her head. So any images of her that you may have in your head - or even the image she may be trying to put across - of her being 100% happy... it's nonsense.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will reply when I'm not having a meltdown.