reverse progression of attraction

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From what I've observed of NT social behaviors, most people develop instant attractions and these starting attractions lose their intensity over time. My brain works in the reverse manner. It is physically impossible for me to be romantically attracted to a woman that I don't know... I don't feel a need to date or otherwise become romantic with a woman that I just met. I can be sexually attracted (in the manner of seeing a woman and recognizing her as a physically attractive specimen), but I don't act on it.

Now, on the other hand, if I've been friends with a woman for some time (minimum about a month, although it can take up to a year) and the chemistry is right, I start developing feelings for her... Once this happens, the attraction only gets stronger... I can't get the attraction out of my mind... the first and by far strongest feelings I've had for a woman began about 6 years ago, a little while after my 14th birthday, and persist to this day.

There have been 4 such attractions I have developed... 2 I broke off before they could seriously develop, and so they never intensified, and the other two (more serious) attractions are with women that I'm lucky to see more than once or twice a year... I'm pretty sure that all of them have moved on long before I ever started developing feelings for any of them (if they were ever attracted to me at all)... The worst part of it all, though, is that I'm also pretty sure that all of them still have me kicking around somewhere in their respective "friend zones".

This has all been a part of why I tend to stay away from both the bar/club scene as well as online dating... Bars and clubs tend towards the aforementioned NT style of attraction (which is way too fast and unstable for me), while online dating doesn't allow me to know much about a potential partner (other than what's on her profile) before thrusting me into a dating scenario... and if I don't know what she likes and dislikes, my socialization will revert to my more aspie tendencies, and I'll start talking about myself, which, according to what I've observed, is not a good thing in dating...

On the other hand, the activities I am a part of (mostly church volunteering, as well as the occasional acting stint) rarely have women anywhere near my age involved in them... although 3 of the 4 aforementioned attractions have come from said activities, so maybe that's something I'm actually doing right...

So, uhh, am I alone on this issue, or is anyone else like me?

I used to get blazing attractions that burned out quickly, acted on or not. Now, I find that things seem to move a little slower, and I rarely act upon them.

Your way of doing it is much healthier and will lead to fewer flash in the pan romances that fizzle out in, oftentimes, ugly fashion. But, there's something to be said for putting yourself out there at the beginning. The reason why NT's (although it's not really NT's, because I do this too) have this initial attraction is when they meet people they are physically attracted to, they approach them as if that person could some day (soon, perhaps) be their lover. It's all about expectations. It's smart not to set your expectations too high in the beginning, but it also eliminates the possibility for that "love at first sight" kind of thing. You say it's physically impossible for you to be attracted to a woman you don't know, and I can understand that, but have you never met someone and very soon after had a very good feeling about them? If you want to try the explosive attraction thing, that is the point where you just dive in and hope for the best. That's what more impulsive people, like me, do.

However, there are plenty of women out there who like to take it slow. True, not the kind of girls you will meet in bars or at parties, but they are out there. I don't know why I'm giving advice, because you didn't ask for it. I guess I'm just rambling on about the situation as I see it. I have always been the kind of person who gets way ahead of myself, thinking every girl I meet is "the one," so I have never had the issue, but I can certainly understand it.

Well, the main thing I want over everything else in a relationship is stability...


So, in other words, they're faking attraction?


Well I never believed in "love at first sight" to begin with...


I've had "feelings" (I use the term loosely in this instance) for women that I've known for a few days, and thats when I know that if I'm around her long enough, I'll probably end up developing an attraction to her, but many times this gets broken off because of my simply never seeing her again and not having any contact info...


I've never met any such women...


Perfectly fine... I guess you could have considered my post as asking for advice...


I ceased such thinking after my first rejection...

Toad I think that's pretty natural for a lot of us, just because you see what looks 'can' do to some people's heads and you can see how toxic, boring, and generally life-restricting rather than liberating the up and in culture can be. So, you want someone who suits your way of life or will add to your life in ways that will make you happy and you'd probably hope vice a versa.

That flow of thought in and of itself will bust up instant attraction, just because anymore a potential significant other would have something to prove to you. As much as some guys will tell you "Pff, good luck with that - women don't work that way" if you stick to your guns, it'll be fewer and farther between but hopefully eventually you'll be able to meet someone who works for you.

The problem with trying, especially in our case, to make the move on someone just because we find them attractive is that we're really grabbing at straws - that and more often than not, if its someone who's attractive, it's going to be a very quick "Oops, nevermind" - and you'll probably feel worse turning down an unwanted yes (like you faked her out) that you know would devolve into hell rather than just getting a 'no' in the first place.

That may stem from the fact that I'm looking more for a lifetime relationship than a one night stand...


One of the advantages of the month-long waiting period is that women that aren't truly dedicated to me move on, filtering out the people that only have spur-of-the-moment attractions... And yes, since I developed 4 such attractions, there are women that get through...


You're probably right about that, although I wouldn't know from experience...

I think either that or a long-term relationship is about all I can put on my wading boots for.




Yeah, people who just have spur of the moment attractions and people who just go at someone blindly without getting go know them and who leave when the infatuation dies - they're hazardous to your health, particularly the long-term well being and qualify of your own life.

How hazardous are we talking? Remember, I've never actually been involved in a romantic relationship...

More just emotional health. You'll never fully feel like they're connected to you as much as a superficial idea of you (if its bad enough they may be a bit socially spastic with you and give you signs like they're talking at you rather than with you - that's always been probably my biggest deal-breaking turnoff for anyone). They may well try to change you into who they feel you should be, they may be reckless with your personal property, may get you into trouble in other places just on their own maturity issues. Of course if you end up marrying someone like that its pretty self explanatory - divorce, alimony, child custody battles, more misery with them than without (and if you have kids with them - a rather permanent level of misery afterward).