Can it work?

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Hi all,
This is my first time here, just registered, and the first place I go is "relationships". *l*

I am not an aspie as far as I know but my 37 yo girlfriend has just been told that she may be. I say girlfriend but right now it is really ex-girlfriend. We dated for a year, lived together for 8 months, then 2 months ago she got upset and left. I didn't try to stop her because I felt I was on the verge of losing my own sanity from trying to live with her. She always told me she had ADD and some other behavioral issues but it didn't explain all the behaviours I witnessed.

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from the hospital. She had been taken in to the psychiatric ward apparently suffering from a schizoprenic episode. She had given the doctor my contact information as she had no other friends or relatives in the area and I am one of the few people who has spent a lot of time with her. I have visited her there a few times and on the last visit she said that they had diagnosed her with Aspergers. After doing a bit of research it certainly seems to be a possible explanation for her behaviours.

It now appears that I may be getting pulled back into her life. Her doctor is supposed to call me to set up an interview next week. I am one of the few successful (to a point) relationships that she has had and I am still a bit of an anchor for her. Also, my nature is that of a protector and nurturer and I always promised her that I would try to help her no matter what. There is a bit more to it than that but it describes things well enough for now.

I have come here because I am going to be looking for lots of help for myself and to help her. I don't know what kind, if any, relationship we will have from here. Right now I know I could not live with her the way she was but if she has now been properly diagnosed and gets help then maybe I'll be able to help her, even if it is only as a friend.

I don't really have a specific question today, I guess I'm just fishing for comments from anyone who may have had similar experience on either side of the relationship. If you are more comfortable contacting me privately that's okay. Either way, I only use the web from work and will often be slow responding.

Thanks for listening and thanks more for responding. *s*

Until I got my diagnosis I felt and acted as though I was at war with myself, too many dramatic episodes, too much of a mess to make a relationship work. Since I was diagnosed I have been a far calmer person - although I've not attempted a relationship yet, I think that when I do it will go better. So I can imagine that a diagnosis might have a similar effect on this girl - I hope so. Good luck.

The trick (If there is such a thing) for dealing with aspies is knowing when to be there for them, and when to allow them to be alone.
Too much social interaction can be very stressful for people, especially those with asperger's, try not to overwhelm her.

sarahstillettos:
That sounds a lot like what she has gone through. I hope her after Diagnosis experience is similar too.

AnderstheAspie:
I know exactly what you are referring to. We even had a bit of a system so I could tell when to leave her alone and when to be there. Unfortunately we did not know the full reasons for her behaviour so it wasn't enough. My hope is that knowledge will help.

Thanks you both for your replies. This is exactly the type of thing I need to see.

well, do you have a diagnosis, considering the place she's in? Since she's around professionals, it might be a good idea to ask. She might be AS, she might not. There's some good definitions here as to what constitutes signs of AS, and some articles as well. Knowing her as well as you do, you should be able to form an educated guess.

good luck, hope things work out.

pakled
I only have the diagnosis second hand from her right now. I would have to say it is a preliminary diagnosis but after reading here and doing other research it does seem likely. I am hoping to speak with her doctor this week and find out more. She does display a lot of the symptoms and has always said she could not read social cues, expressions, sarcasm etc. There could be more to it, they've only been working with her for a couple of weeks and she has been living with it for 37 years.

Personally, she has to be very lucky to have a friend/boyfriend like you... not many NT's would go this far for an aspie...

The other thing about aspies is that they don't perceive relationships in the same way, and as such, it is possible to reconnect with her... especially if she really is aspie and this diagnosis helps her find herself, both of you will find it much easier to be together...

Toad of Steel

Thanks for the positive outlook. I'm hoping I can at least be a friend to her, she sure needs one. I don't think anyone in her past has ever stuck by her, including her family. I'm sure that has probably made things worse for her and I want to stop that cycle now that she finally has a hope of getting the right kind of help.

You can still be her lover, but you have to tell her that you are only going as far as she is comfortable with right now (and follow through on that... if she tells you to back off, do so... it's not because she's angry at you, she's probably just uncomfortable with the situation...) She's going through something very traumatic right now (even moreso because she's an aspie), and just being there for her helps her out a whole lot more than you know...

ToadofSteel
I probably sounds a bit selfish but right now it's me that's holding back. I care for the girl but when she left it was a bit of a relief because I didn't think my own sanity could handle any more. Now that there is some hope I still want to see her be well and I'm willing to help her where I can, I'm just not sure how much of myself I can give.

I really appreciate your feedback. In an indirect sort of way you folks are helping her too by sharing your thoughts with me.