Tips for guys

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Hi all. I see a lot of posts in this section that are variations on the theme of 'how do I get a woman?' so I've decided to post a few tips that I've found most effective. Feel free to add some of your own, ask what I mean or just grill me if you hate them. They are:

1) Don't be the f*cking nice guy. That doesn't mean don't be nice; just don't suck up and try and impress girls with what a sweetheart you are. This will get you into the 'friends zone', and we all know where that goes. Most women want a strong, masculine figure in their lives. To be this you need to:

2) Be yourself. Not in the way that female friends and aunties tell you, but being truly comfortable and confident with who you are, faults and all. If she says she likes guys who are action men for example and this isnt you, tell her its not your thing. Show that you're not scared to put your real self out there - its a very confident trait.

3) Set boundaries/have standards. Don't just chase after and bend over backwards for any girl who shows an interest or is hot. Let her know you look for more than just looks and that you have enough self respect not to be treated like a doormat. Know you deserve someone amazing. Relating to this is the next point:

4) Find something you like about her personality. Make this the reason you want to carry on talking or take things further. 'You've got a good sense of humour, I like that about you. Lets get a coffee.' She may be (understandably) a bit guarded at first so ask open ended questions that give her the opportunity to say more than just yes or no.

5) Make your intentions known. Don't hang around trying to be a friend first and get into her good books. If you think she's sexy, tell her, but give a genuine reason (i.e. not just because she's a skinny blond with DD breasts); something to do with her as a person. This is probably one of the hardest things to do but also one of the most essential.

6) Have banter. All part of being yourself is to take the p*ss out of each other a bit in a friendly way. It shows you're not intimidated by her looks and creeping around her. If she doesn't have much of a sense of humour this will weed her out (a girl needs a VERY good sense of humour to date me!). It also makes things far more fun for both of you.

7) Use touch. I know its a problem for a lot of people here but touching people is a sign of dominance among all primates, and you will be perceived as more masculine. Even a light touch on the arm when you say hello can be enough to help things along a bit.

Be happy and show it. Do you want someone in your life who'll drag you down or make your world a better, happier place? Probably not, and neither does she, so don't be the rain cloud spoiling her day. Make her day instead!

I get the feeling I'm going to get a lot of abuse for posting this but I'm new here and haven't had a good roasting yet so never mind. Bear in mind that I was a complete loser with women for most of my life until I took steps to learn and apply this stuff, figure out the missing pieces of the puzzle and finally start to get somewhere. I'm still no casanova but I'm working on it!

i just make shure my hair is brushed my teeth are clean and i smell relitively decent. and not like a garbage can, so far no luck

Perhaps in high school that is the method to go, but for those that are a little bit older (Seniors and College Students), I gotta disagree. I've met plenty of girls that enjoy a nice person, and several of them wanted a romantic relationship with me. My heart was elsewhere, however.



Gotta agree with this, but with a different reasoning. When I was younger, I took the route of masking my personality to fit the girl I wanted to date, and it worked short-term, but long-term it turned into a nightmare and ravaged my true personality. It was a battle between my "obsession" and my insanity, and I sank into chaos and soon depression. In other words, only date girls that you know are truly comfortable with your real personality. Not taking that road as an Aspie is a recipe for disaster.



This ties back into confidence, and is true. This can be quite difficult to accomplish as an Aspie, as you have to find that right balance to be successful. Over do it, and the girl will be turned off. Don't do it enough, and they'll lose interest. Send a txt message or two to let them know you are there, but don't crush them upon recognition... something I was admittedly guilty of in the past.



Maybe not quite to that point, but it's the right direction. I think it's just as important to actually make sure she's the one doing the talking, unless she wants to here more about you (which is a very good sign). Ask questions such as "How are things going with school?" or "What do you think of that Heath Ledger dying?". If you're running out of questions, hell, just do what I did... do some research on the internet!



Can't really add to this. This is essentially the fork in the road that defines whether you will be friends or lovers. Like step 3, don't flood them with emotions right off the bat. Be subtle about it, but let your intentions also be known. Again, it's finding that balance.



Don't have a lot of experience about this one, as I find this trait among girls to be a necessity, as I am quite poor at coming up with my own banter. However, if she can provide something good, I do know how to go along with it, and I can do it good at that.



Yup... or just a tap on the shoulder will do. Most girls (at least the ones I know) will take the initiative to give you a hug once they feel comfortable around you, so they'll do the job for you.



I've had to be the guy that's done the cheering up before, and the girl I'm talking to right now (and have been for 2 years) has come to me for guidance more than once. I'll throw everything on the table, spin the situation into something positive, and flirt/laugh with her. It does wonders!



No abuse from me!

Pretty honest, but the key is figuring out how to apply these steps with your own method, like I demonstrated above. Once you find your niche, everyone can find a girl that suites them if they desire it. I'm beyond these steps as of now, and I hate to say this, but once you actually "get" there, I personally find the difficulty raised a little, but that's just my set personality with some AS thrown in I guess. It's torn me down horribly in the past, but it's been getting better, and I'm having a nice, light semi-relationship with a girl right now. We're both in kind of a "wait and see" mode since she's doesn't want any guy right now period, and I'm still trying to contemplate dating someone I've had a minor-to-major AS obsession with for 2 years now. Time will tell how it works out, but overall, I feel like I'm doing pretty good.

<abuse>You don't know what yer talking about and yer stupid and yer Hitler and yer a stupid Hitler and you don't like run on sentences and because you don't like run on sentences yer not a cool kid and because yer not a cool kid you'll never go nowhere and because you'll never go nowhere you won't not go somewhere and because I'm getting tired of typing I don't think stop pretty soon with the internetz abuse so you can just fill in the blanks regarding bad things about yourself and etc... and etc... and etc...</abuse>

HTH BTW!

I tnk this is great advice for guys. If I was still single, I'd print a bunch of copies and leave them everywhere, maybe some people would learn something from it.

Yup, sounds about right.

This is the main thing I have trouble with... not so much the being the "nice guy", as much as being shoved into the friends zone because I don't develop attraction instantly more about this in my responses to the other points...


Every time I'm like "Yeah I suck at this whole dating thing", a fact that I've truly learned to accept about myself, it's a turn-off... Just a little hole in your logic there...


Not much problem there, although there's not that many women my own age to begin with...


This is one of the reasons I like the slower attractions I develop. I like to get to know the woman before I get attracted to her, so that I can truly tell before I go out with her that I will like her...


Ah, here we have a slight problem. As I've stated above, my attractions to women generally go in reverse... When I first meet a woman, I truly have no attraction to her at all, even if I become friends with her. It's only after I've been around her for a while that I become attracted...


This is another reason why I generally don't get attracted instantly... that weeds out women I probably don't want to go out with a whole lot more effectively than banter does...


No argument from me there... although I tend to take it a little too far (or, if I'm restraining myself, not enough, which will quite suddenly convert to too much when I decide I've known her long enough and stop holding back...)


Well I'm generally happier than I was in high school, but then again I was depressed for most of it, and not so now...

You only need to know one thing: If you're trying too hard, they'll see right through you, and that's bad. If you're not hard to get then you're easy, and nobody wants somebody who's easy.

Well, not nobody, but ... close enough.

Women might say they like nice guys, but they don't go for them because they're too obvious. Instead they'll fall for jerks who don't seem to care about them, which is probably because they really don't.

It's not a bad list of things to follow. And within most means I think.

The biggest issue for me is 7, and making it known I am interested in a romantic way. I like to be slow and methodical about this sort of stuff... and I am really clueless as to how to touch someone else.

I agree with everything.

I must say I hate lists like this. None of them are ever 100% right 100% of the time, and I've never needed one to get where I am. I find them patronising. But then, I'm sure a lot of people here will find them useful.

BUMBERCLART!! !! ! Your advice ,terartie, is fvckriss. I am a nice guy. I don’t have any hidden anger to let go of. And most of the time I don’t care if we go for a pastor or a chinese, so it is no point starting a seen for nothing. My only for of potential conflict is about Money or saving it. Woman don’t like guys who are assertive about that. I am also assertive about science but guess what they don’t care, unless in conflicts with their religion.

So going up to random women and asking if I can give them an anal creampie isn't the best way of getting a girlfriend then?

You should have told me.

Signed. Tried the route and it ended up seeming to be some of the fastest, effective ways of getting yourself emotionally scarred, especially if you beforehand already have problems with yourself. Those do get on the surface.

If you want to live happily in a happy relationship, you can't hide the 'true' self. Just try faking your way into a relationship and take the u-turn revealing all the hidden or false parts, thinking it's safe by now. I will bet all my money it won't end up well.

this nice-guy thing seems to be an often misunderstood point... i wonder why, actually. i read about this topic ages ago on heartlessbitches.com and wondered how anyone could honestly confuse the two meanings these words could have.

nice guy in terms of "using niceness" is the option that is noted as negative - and i do see the point. i know i wouldnt want to be with someone who behaves a certain way just to please me, or even to use it as bargaining leverage like, "i was being nice there, there and there, now its my right to... blah blah blah". of course, i think us aspies wouldnt even consider calling this behavior "nice" to begin with, because it isnt.

nice guy in terms of having an amiable, friendly personality and good manners is an entirely different story, and i have yet to find someone to object to that.
being yourself, having good manners, proper behaviour and all doesnt interfere with having your own opinion - and stating it. i mean, its no big deal having different opinions... either it really doesnt matter (like my best friend and me having different opinions on the effect of violence in video games - were still greatest buddies and we can see each others reasoning. its just that we dont share the others poit of view, but we can respect it) or a compromise can be worked out.
stating your opinion doesnt mean imposing your opinion in a macho way - it means that you have your own head. ideally, with the concept of respect for differing views inside it.

i think a lot of it all boils down to respecting people you care for.

We will not make any progress until we point out the difference between an NT nice-guy and someone with aspergers. I get to be big-headed nice guy, both unappealing to woman.