First message, online dating...

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Okay, so I've been using eHarmony for a couple of months. I just about gave up on the site, I did not connect with anyone. And could tell that most were a completely different sort of person than who I'd want to be with.

I really started to loathe that site.

But, a girl initiated communication... which hardly ever happens with my profile. At every step she seems great, and so far I really like her. And the steps flew by faster than I've ever seen on this site.

So now it's down to the first real communication, and I want to be casual and fun... like I know I can be. But at the same time, I am rarely in contact with someone like her... who also seems to like me so far.... so I'm crossing my fingers that I don't screw any of this up. But in all of this is the hesitation, which is magnified by the online nature of this... and I get a sort of writers block.

So here are a few things I want to know first, basically if they are good ideas or bad ideas.

Getting a phone number early and using that instead of online communication... is this a bad move? I really would prefer it, but I don't know how weird it is for the girl to talk on the phone so soon. I have the impression that it would be almost stalker like if I ask for it early... but this probably isn't true.

How much should I say that I like her? I really do like her so far. And would like to express it, but I know I can go overboard with this expression. But then I don't express anything... so it goes nowhere that way too. Should I say it in the first message?

How long after the first communication should I ask for a date? This is often a fault of mine... I wait way too long... and just let these sort of things fizzle. I don't want that to happen here.

If I chat on IM or over the phone, how do I properly end the conversation? I always seem to have it go on too long, then it seems forced... especially with IM. I am really confused by IM, since I'll still be online... but don't feel compelled to talk...it comes to pass that I don't contact when we are both online.... even though I want to develop something. Gah, I hate IM. I'm just not going to go down that path, it's just too risky. Only after we know each other.

How short should I keep emails between each other, I can go into diatribes which don't seem to be reciprocated in length. Which I am fearful of... it may or may not seem... needy or something. The other could just be shy... but I'd rather to get her talking more in emails. Any guidelines as far as this goes?

I know I'm over thinking all this stuff... but any pointers could really go a long way I think. Especially from girls who have experience in the online dating scene, and what woos ya and what doesn't.

I used to go to Yahoo. I gave up on it because I couldn't see how to get there from here. I'm not interested in having virtual relationships with virtual people. Until you meet someone face to face, you don't know that this person isn't entirely the product of someone's imagination. I know people who can become very involved with other people who live 1000's of miles away without even meeting them, but I wouldn't have that much to say to someone I've never met. Did eHarmony require you to list your salary? It's common on Yahoo to list salary, and my book on relationships recommends against this.

I just went to eharmony and did the survey about myself.... that was interesting!

Don't think I'll join up yet though.

I will on answer about the phone thing... I would say you should ask her directly how she feels about exchanging phone numbers.
You could offer to give her your number at first so her's remains private.
You two can arrange a calling time/day online then she can call you.

Basically, I wouldn't think there would be anything wrong with asking her if she exchanges phone numbers and letting her know it's up to her to say yes or no... you won't apply any pressure to do so... that is, if that's what you want to do.

Hope it works out for you Pugly. Personally I think you're doing something I can't right now... actively seeking out someone.
I'm a bit nervous about even joining eharmony

They rejected me . Said I was unmatchable. Kinda a kick to the nads, but from all the stuff (aside from your story), glad I was. They have a huge class-action for everything from failure to fulfill contractual obligations to fraud to violations of the Unfair Debt Collections Act.

If you're good on the phone, you can push it, but I prefer to try and get as much value from each step. If things are clicking on IM and not being forced, no rush. Personally, I'd say two weeks, but if you're good/better on the phone, ask her after a day or two. But then I'm not one to ask... I hint, and drop it.

Don't. I mean, if she says it, or it's a very appropriate moment, but down-play it. Instead, say "hugs" or "kiss" or use emots (and don't over-use them ). Sounds gay, but...

Depends on the relationship. Personally, I'd do it not long after or even before the phone #. [I have a date Thurs, and don't have her # yet :S.]

"Bye. TTYL."

I always reciprocate to some extent, but I'm more wordy than anyone who I mail. I always write some long assed email in responce to a short note, then have to go back and trim it wayyy down. So, I guess... no clue

Wouldn't surprise me, the site's terrible. They have freakin' ads on a pay site. And the whole process is so contrived. The girls on the site reject me just as much as any other site... so much for 'true compatibility'... Of course if this works out... I'll probably be singing a different tune...



I'm not so good at dropping hints. But I'm learning to show what I'm feeling as opposed to saying it. But I'm leaning on asking directly, right away to talk on the phone. I'll do it on the second email. The first I'll make short to see her response.



Ah, yeah that makes sense. Again showing what I mean instead of saying it. I mean I want to tell her right now that I think she's really awesome. But I've been burned before by saying too much. Something about the actual words of something that should be felt... ruins it I guess.



I'll have to see how the email responses go. I'm going to try for more quickly than later, I've messed it up too many times by waiting. And if we really are hitting it off, might as well go to the next step right?



I'm going to keep it short, for the first couple of responses. 2 or 3 average paragraphs...

Last edited by Pugly on 26 Feb 2008, 10:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

Just play it natural

I took the 29-dimensional eHarmony personality profile and received the message: Unable to match you at this time .
Im suprised someone with AS wouldn't get such an error message-I guess Im just TOO damn odd

Sent the first and second message, so far so good.

As far as telling her how you feel goes, I will offer my advice. Back in highschool, and even once in college, I made the mistake of telling a girl how I felt either through IM or email. It never went well. Since then I've learned that you are best to SHOW her how you feel, by touching her, kissing her, etc. Look up "kinesthetics" if you want to learn about how touching affects women, and how to use it to show her how you feel. Girls are a little weird, if you tell them how you feel too soon, or in a cowardly way (from behind a computer screen) they will run. If you use kino, they know that you like them, but some how they keep second guessing themselves. You need them to do that, because in the early stages they can get bored if they know how you feel.

But that's just my advice

I'm good with showing how I feel, instead of telling. I get all that stuff now.

My only problem, is with touching. This kino business, just isn't my way. Touching always makes me uncomfortable. I probably should start touching people, I guess... but that thought kind of creeps me out. I know I want to initiate touch, but when I'm ready. It takes some time.

Yeah. Thats why I'm thinking online relationships might not work.

A good hint: Don't screw it up like I always do. Get her phone number early, if she won't give it to you after a couple of days, she's not interested. Ask her out a few days after that. If you wait to long before asking here out, she'll just be another virtual friend. Keep in mind that making a date successfull is much harder than getting a date.

Yup yup, I hear that. I am doing no dawdling about this. Next response I ask for a phone number, then set a date for Saturday.

I don't think you'd be pushy about it, because you seem very considerate... but I thought I'd warn you that a lot of women are frightened by guys who insist on getting a phone number right away. In most circumstances, on a dating service I would expect to talk with a guy for at least a week or two before trusting him with a number. I'm not saying you should wait that long, but don't assume she doesn't like you if she happens to want to wait longer before talking on the phone.

I'll keep that in mind, they have some phone number exchange... where your phone number stays private. I'll check into that.

We have been in contact since last Saturday, so it'll almost be a week. Just not in open communication.

I just visited the site ....and honestly maybe this was the first time I visit it despite its popularity , the first sucking thing I noticed about eharmony that they don't provide a search engine prior registration. I don't need more spam in my mailbox and since I live in a tiny country so I need to know first how many potential mates are there before registration. What if they were just two or three three female profiles vs 100 male profiles of my country?