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Mark198423
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28 Feb 2008, 6:36 pm

I've started seeing a girl and will soon be going on a second (first proper) date with her. One of my big problems is initiating conversation with someone before I've got to know them better so I'm conscious that without me saying enough I may seem dis-interested or even boring. I also have a tendency to turn most things into jokes, particularly without anything else to say but know this can be annoying to some.
So, the reason I'm posting this is I was hoping for suggestions of (appropriate at this stage) things I can ask/talk about?

We're both in our twenties - her only just! - and work so studies aren't really relevant to us!

Any advise would be greatly appreciated! :D



Mark198423
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28 Feb 2008, 7:11 pm

Think I should also add that I have pretty much no experience on actual dates. Pretty much all of my 'romantic' encounters and conversations have happened at pubs/clubs/parties - basicaly where alcohol has been involved, but there's going to be little to none on this one, so it's all going to be fairly new to me!



viska
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28 Feb 2008, 7:22 pm

Traditionally, a lot of date conversation is trading back and forth anecdotes / stories from each other and relating them. I'm not really a big fan of this since I'm a horrible storyteller.



ASS-P
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28 Feb 2008, 7:30 pm

...I wish I could get something more going :( ! !! !! !! !! !!



pakled
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28 Feb 2008, 9:47 pm

a lot of dating is just finding out things about each other. Ask her questions about herself, but don't get too prying or overdo it (I made that mistake once...;)



kbergren21
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29 Feb 2008, 12:38 am

I find certain conversation starters I use really helpful with girls.

1. Weird dreams
2. Cars
3. talk about music (all gals love this one :P)
4 Pet Peevs (go on a little rant on something silly that irritates you; they always find them funny)
5. Whats she into like school and hobbies (sometimes this backfires cause some of em get bored so be prepared to change it.)
6. Places you've traveled
7. Stories
8. Where she ticklish (only if you can tell she's comfortable around u first :P)

Overall dont come off needy and treat her like a bratty little sister or cousin. Being a little cocky in a funny way always helps to.

haha And make sure she calls you a "jerk" in the loving manner three times before the end of the night :P.

Let us know how the date goes!! ! Good luck



Mark198423
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06 Mar 2008, 6:09 am

kbergren21 wrote:
I find certain conversation starters I use really helpful with girls.

1. Weird dreams
2. Cars
3. talk about music (all gals love this one :P)
4 Pet Peevs (go on a little rant on something silly that irritates you; they always find them funny)
5. Whats she into like school and hobbies (sometimes this backfires cause some of em get bored so be prepared to change it.)
6. Places you've traveled
7. Stories
8. Where she ticklish (only if you can tell she's comfortable around u first :P)

Overall dont come off needy and treat her like a bratty little sister or cousin. Being a little cocky in a funny way always helps to.

haha And make sure she calls you a "jerk" in the loving manner three times before the end of the night :P.

Let us know how the date goes!! ! Good luck


Thanks for the advise!
Didn't get to put it into action though as I didn't end up going on the date. We've been out together again socialy a couple of times but as others were there too, my conversation skills didn't need to be overly sharp!

I'm starting to think there may be too much physical and/or emotional awkwardness from me though so was contemplating bringing up AS but not sure if it's too early.
Does anyone have any (positive) experiences bringing it up early or is it best left til later on?



autisticon
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06 Mar 2008, 8:46 am

Ask about her family... How many siblings, where they live, how many nieces/nephews, etc. Very hard to go wrong with this subject.



Hanwag
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06 Mar 2008, 9:13 am

Remember that it is not only about talking, but a lot about listening and honestly paying attention. Asking the right question if she seems to be interested/upset about something probably means more to her than the amount of words you can speak in a minute.

- from a guy who is quite bad with women ;)



0_equals_true
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06 Mar 2008, 10:42 am

Hanwag wrote:
Remember that it is not only about talking, but a lot about listening and honestly paying attention. Asking the right question if she seems to be interested/upset about something probably means more to her than the amount of words you can speak in a minute.

- from a guy who is quite bad with women ;)

I would agree with that to a point. It is very important to be focusing outwards rather than inwards. Of course it is difficult with ASD to pick up on social queues. If she is also anxious then she might prefer if she wasn't doing the talking the whole time. It is not actually a crime to talk about yourself or other things. I guess it is a balance.

One of the key things I learnt about social anxiety is if you are thinking about your performance and whether you will be boring, etc you are not focusing on the other person and they might pick up on that. Basically you shouldn't over analyze things. I’m pretty bad at this because I'm very analytical and will analyse things to pieces. They only advice I can give is sort term to think of something that will distract you from you own personal thoughts like a something funny, etc.

Long term using those analytical skills to out argue yourself is possible. You probably need to read a few good CBT books first. I found it was a lot more effective on anxiety like social anxiety than random ones like GAD and general pure obsessive nature. It is easier to pick up on why you thoughts are flawed with SA in general.

I heard a little anxiety is sexy or a least some find it sexy.



Complex
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07 Mar 2008, 8:49 pm

pakled wrote:
a lot of dating is just finding out things about each other. Ask her questions about herself, but don't get too prying or overdo it (I made that mistake once...;)


Well said. Ask her about herself and be a good listener. This will usually lead her to ask about you (and if she is asking she is interested in your answer so don't be nervous). Other things to talk about are common things that most people experience
1. Most people watch movies
2. Most people watch TV
3. Most people like some type of music
4. Most people have jobs
5. Does she (or you) have a pet?
6. Is there a zoo where you live? Most people like animals. If you go to the zoo together, the conversation usually writes itself.