I Don't Play

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I had a reminder on something this week that was a pretty good wake-up call. A friend of mine came up to visit town with a girlfriend who I've met several times before; I think they're great together and likewise she's sharp and we get along great. I met up with them while we were visiting another set of freinds, they were sitting in the back area (an inclosed/finished back pateo) with their kids and in the course of chatting before dinner there were several times that my freind's girlfriend would be looking at the conversation, laugh about something with her own observations, look back at me but see me straight faced and the smile kind of just drained like she thought I was rebuking her "...no?".

That happened a few times with her that night, a few times at the party we went to the next day with some other people. As far as how AS effects me, it seems like we - all the way across the board, AS and NT, have trouble breaking conversation and the social sphere down to its components to even point out well what a person simply doesn't do. I've noticed the friend (who's girlfriend I was talking about earlier) will be joking with me, say something opposite to the truth or give me a guy-to-guy indearing jab or shot but he's told me before, my lack of response makes him worry sometimes that I'm taking it personally. I rarely ever miss the joke, I just don't have an intuitive response. Usually when I've tried to respond to these things in the past it just sobers the room up and at worst the crickets start chirping.

I also think of how I've sincerely pissed women off much of my life. The best example of the dynamic are girls who see me, smile, flirt, get interested, but then rather than taking certain things as 'me' they'd get snippy, angry, even glare at me the moment I walked into the room as if I was deliberately doing something to them or playing games. Right now in a small way I have that at a donut/coffee place right across from my work. There's an attractive girl who works there, she was there a few times when I'd be in during the afternoon and she had a coworker who I'd chat up because her coworker was real friendly, had that personality type where my aspieness wasn't really that much of a monkey-wrench in her enjoying talking to me, and I'd been introduced to this lady in that one of my coworkers found out that she was big into martial arts so that set us off talking. The first girl I mentioned was in and out of those conversations, thought she recognized me from somewhere, I was friendly to her, etc. On the other hand, when I came in during the mornings to get breakfast I realized I never went out of my way to say hi go her, always went about my business as if I knew no one (not her in particular), and I've been going there for a long time. Seems like, even with getting a coffee and bagel you can't cut the social aspects out and while you may not necessarily offend some people you'll clearly offend some. When I had my coffee and was waiting for my sandwich at the other side of the counter (while she had her drive-through mic on) I had the sensation that she was glaring at me, I looked up out of my peripheral vision and yep - she was.

I'm starting to see what it is though. If I 'fully' break the ice with someone I can shout a hi to them no problem. If I don't, things are awkward, or sometimes someone just isn't my kind of person and its not a dislike on my part - I just won't feel like I can say anything that will work or won't get....again....an aspie's favorite reaction; crickets or the saccharine "Heheheh (scowl)". The other thing though, that applies not only to her or waitresses at my old work but even to my two friends - I don't play. I'll laugh at jokes, I'll make jokes, but my humor tends to be intellectual, observant, and even if veers on the rare occasion slapstick it veers dry; which for some reason that lack of wetness also gets the saccharine fake laugh and sneer from lots of people who don't like anything short of full heart-felt and vulnerable.

Why don't I play? I learned that conformity is king in this area. I even got full confirmation from watching the waitresses where I used to work when either two different male servers made the same kind of corny joke or when two different guys at two different tables did something corny, awkward, etc.. They'd love it from the one, they'd be absolutely heartless toward the other behind his back (one was funny, the other "What a f--- up"). I tended to always get the later reaction - from gradeschool on. TBH, it seemed like my attempts to play seemed directly responsible for bullying, misinterpretation, dislike, etc., and coming to the conclusion that it made a target of me I really got serious about taking society by the throat and letting 'it' (collectively) know that I was not going to have my life, potential, and identity dominated by the most callow level of people's thinking.

That natural dysphoria I think had a lot to do with making me this way. Am I still aspie? Isn't it possible that I was kind of like this to begin with? Yes but.... I wouldn't be quite as angular or have a whole set of behavior completely up and missing if it hadn't met such persecution. When I look back also I understand the persecution from this perspective - my facial experessions don't fully work, nor will they ever. Thus - it looks like a front, things look insincere from me, and that's what I think draws negative responses from a lot of people at gut level if I got adventurous in the past.

So right now, while I wouldn't ask anyone here for responses (I've learned that hardly anyone picks the fly crap out of pepper quite the way I do) I will be looking at all the facets of this when I can think of them. Ultimately I know I'll likely never make the problem go away in its entirety and I'll likely always be a bit of a serious, straight-acting curmudgeon on first impression and even long-view for those who can't see past it. I know that this seems to be THE KEY to relationships in that a guy can be a dork of dorks, tripping and stumbling over his own feet, have a huge nose and look like belongs in Revenge of the Nerds but if he knows how to 'play' well it seems to have little bearing whereas a guy could be very attractive, doesn't know how to play, and sadly it seems like guys in that category almost have to go the full other direction and be patent narcissists to wear-the-whole-hat.

Part of this dialog is me trying to come to peace with myself and test the waters with how much I can change this. That is, even if a girl could love me completely for who I am even with this in play I still would rather do it for myself, to an extent do it for her even if what else she sees in me outshines that enough that she barely cares (well duh....she won't be with me to begin with if that's not the case).

My advice to myself right now: I'll have to go back to doing what I did best when learning NT tricks. What's that? I'll find an NT or several who's styles really resonate with me, who I respect a lot, I'll see what kind of play they do, and then I'll see if I can mimic the dynamics. Obviously if its too invasive or macho my lack of expressionality will get me in big trouble but if I can see something at least subtle enough to work with my lack of expressionality or seeming over-cerebral nature I think I'll be in a place where I feel considerably less friction everywhere and I won't feel quite as often like I have girls leering at me for being a prick or female friends wondering if they rubbed me the wrong way with something.

I think people 'play' in order to put others at ease...but if you're not at ease with yourself, your 'playfulness' comes off as being awkward and forced and just makes people uncomfortable. I don't play well, either.
I tend to walk around straight-faced as well. I've developed a habit of lifting my hand when I see someone looking my way. It's not quite a wave hello, but it seems to be an acceptable greeting/acknowledgement.

I find what makes that person get preferential treatment over the other person is based on a couple of shallow points:
1) More of an attraction between the first person than the "f up" person.
2) Poster / gesture.
3) Tone and body language.
4) Status or presumed status of that person.

To eliminate the cruel bullying treatment towards you, acting like an NT won't be enough.
Imagine when one person says "cool, man" casually and another person trying to emulate that says it with emphasis on both words, abruptly, flailing their arms, and waiting for affirmation they are socially acceptable when almost anyone else doesn't need that affirmation. That other person is going to be sticking out like a sore thumb and it gets awkward.

I found what stopped me being the 2nd person was firstly eliminating the fear of ANY reaction to what I consciously say and do, and not responding adversely or with animosity towards any criticism of my behaviour. From there, I learned through time and experience what sort of responses and behaviour invoked what type of reactions and such. From there I was able to find a balance of where I could be myself and not offend most people and get on just fine. Another thing, embrace your quirks. Trying to hide them also adds to the scenario you brought up.

About the silent treatment you give (though not intentionally) - many see that as "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." I think you should laugh curtly if someone is making a joke, maybe expand on the joke or change the subject" if they keep going go "oookaaaay then!"or "haha yeah...anyways" and change the subject again (because what they are doing is rude though this way you avoid confrontation and give them a hint).

EDIT: singularity basically outlined the basis of my post in a much more concise manner though mine contains ideas to overcome this obstacle

I read your whole post. I have the same problem and I don't know what to do about it either. I think keeping oneself happy is key, because then it's much easier to smile at things. I can't play either, I'll just laugh at jokes. If I was myself, I think people would dislike me. I sometimes offend women too with my lack of reaction. I'll just say I'm tired, and it sometimes does the trick. Maybe you could say you work a lot and it often makes you a bit sluggish afterwards.

I used to have made a simple thread about this "misunderstanding" issue. I'm sure there would be non-AS people aswell who run into issues with people the way we do, I think it has more to do with the type of people we bump into and that certain type can consist in many many people which is why we feel so misunderstood. Some people just hate to use their brains to decypher (unintended) messages we usually bring towards them and somehow they see that as us trying to play mindgames with them which turns them mad because they think you're f*****g with their heads on purpose while you're not. (let me know if my post makes sense or not, I hope it does)

Man, stop posting useless wall texts and go work out to get a toned body....

and what's your job again?

I'm sorry but I don't know what advice to give you.

I clicked on the thread because of the title and I thought you were mad. "I don't play" is usually said around here just before somebody goes off on somebody else.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com