Having Kids

Post Reply New Topic

I posted another thread a week or so ago about my girlfriend suffering from depression and is now leaving me. My main problem with dealing with it was that she couldn't give me a reason as to why she was leaving, she came up with some silly little reasons but they were obviously not the real reason for leaving -- there was something she wasn't telling me. A part of me was afraid that she had cheated on me, or something like that.

Finally I found out what the real reason is for her leaving, and it wasn't on the list of reasons she gave me. I talked to a friend of hers, one that I knew she would have confided in. I knew her friend would do what she could to help, as she's always told me that I'm such a great guy, the best she's ever had, and all that kind of stuff, so I knew that she wants to see us back together.

She told me that the real reason she's leaving is because she wants to have kids, and I'm not ready for it. Once she told me this, it made complete sense. There have been many situations where the GF tried to talk to me about having kids, but I always avoided it or froze up in the conversation. I guess I never realized how important that discussion was to her.

It's not that I don't want to have a family with her, she'd be an amazing Mom. I just don't think she's any more ready than I am. I cant understand why she isn't willing to wait another year or two until we're financially stable, married, have a house, all of that. The most ironic thing is, even if she does go and meet a new guy tomorrow, its going to be a year or two before they end up having kids anyways, at the earliest. So this really doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

So right now I'm faced with a decision, a really tough one. I now know what I need to do to get her back -- I'm just not sure if its the right thing to do. As much as I can't bear the thought of losing her, I also can't bear the thought of bringing a child into this world for the wrong reasons.

I know none of you can answer that for me, I was more curious to open a dialog with other aspies and find out what you all think about having kids. Does it terrify you? Is this a typical aspie thing, or is it just typical of guys in general?

I would like to have kids someday, and I don't think I could date anyone who doesn't want them.

When I was 11 years old, I decided that my life goal was to get married, have children, and be a stay at home mommy.

I met my now husband in middle school, and at 20 years old got married. I am now a stay at home mom with 4 beautiful boys. The oldest reminds me of me and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and Food allergies (remember these things seem to run in families, but are not really a reason to not have continue the line!)

We may not have much money, but I would not take back that decision.

Then again, I will never be diagnosed as "normal".

Your reasons are completely valid. Maybe she just doesn't know how you really feel. Have you tried talking to her and telling her that you do want kids in a year or two after everything is settled? If you truly mean what you told us, I think that she'll understand that you're sincere.

When I was in my first year of college I kissed a girl for the first time. I was 19 years old. She had been one of my closest female friends for about 5 years, and I had a crush on her from day one. I only saw her once after that night, it was 2 years later when she finally explained to me that she had gotten back with her ex and decided it was best to not talk to me ever again. I eventually got over it, but it wasn't for another 2 years, when I finally kissed another girl. That one lasted about 3 weeks and then I was on my own again. At 21 years of age, I had been kissed so few times that I could count the times on on my fingers.

A lot of stuff goes through your head when you go that long alone. For years you make it your mission in life to find that someone, get married, have kids. Then at some point, you give up. You tell yourself you're not going to date again, never marry, never have kids. You tell yourself that enough times that you start to believe it's what's right. You actually start to believe your own lies.

When she came along, I avoided her. She'd ask me out at work almost every week, I made up excuses, sometimes I said I might pop in, but never would. It was a good 5 or 6 months before I finally hung out with her. Even then it took me a while to give her a chance. I fought it until I couldn't resist anymore, I caved, and I kissed her.

Since then I've spent my life trying to erase those lies I once told myself. I let her in slowly, avoided letting her meet my family, avoided a lot of things couples do. Some big part of me was afraid to give up being single. She peel away at me, one layer at a time. Stripped away my fears, exposed my tender heart once again and she nurtured it.

I fell in love, we moved in together and started talking about marriage. I used to poke my head into jewelry stores after work and look at rings, I know in my heart if I asked her then she would have said yes. But I couldn't afford one then, and at the same time I thought we had plenty of time for that.

When we moved in together it's like a maternal switch flicked on, it told her it was time to start pumping out babies and who cares if it's actually the right time or not. It's funny how strong our genetics are; thousands of years of evolution turning our gears. She started putting the pressure on me, and I don't respond well to pressure. Over time I warmed up to the idea, actually started to really like it. When I played with my nephews and nieces I found myself wanting kids of my own; I wanted to steal them and bring them home with me because they are so cute.

But there's still that one last layer for her to peel away, that one wall I can't seem to tear down on my own. I had always hoped she'd have the patience to do it, I guess I was wrong.

Well said.

I'd love to be able to say that one day you just grow up and become ready for kids but I can't.

Every day, I still feel like I am a kid in adult clothing. I often feel like I haven't got a clue about what's going on, fatherhood etc...

If I knew THEN what I know now about kids, I probably would have been too scared. Having kids is a life changing experience and nothing is EVER the same again.

That said, it's a change for the better - even if it doesn't always feel that way.

If you feel that the relationship is stable enough for kids, then go ahead - it's worth it.

But be warned, having kids just to stay together is wrong. There is nothing that puts stress on a relationship quite like kids, they're more likely to break a relationship than pull you together - and kids are permanent.

I don't know about the rest of you but I'm afraid for my genetics. My sister is full blown Autistic with OCD, basically she will amount to nothing but a burden on whoever has to take care of her. My brother is a royal f**k up on his own accord for the most part, you don't make moves to drop out of school and then half-ass your was to an equivalency diploma and then half-ass your way through the next 2 years because your parents allow it and then blame it on a disorder.

I don't think it's fair to bring a child into the world that won't be healthy and normal, especially if I run the risk of having someone like my sister. Not fair to me, not fair to the mother, not fair to them.

Putting that aside I don't really like kids. Granted I'm 21 and am really not in a position financially or even socially to have kids so it really isn't an issue. However I don't want them. If I were to have them I'd probably adopt, enough people on this planet that I don't need to place another here and on top of it there are plenty of kids out there that don't have parents for one reason or another.

I'd love to have Minnie Mes one day.

I want to have children someday. I just need to find someone to have them with before it is too late

I hate kids and I never want to start a family. I doubt this will be a problem though since my longest relationship has been <1 month.

I would like to have kids, with someone who is mother material, whether my partner has them from a previous relationship, or the two of us have them together, or both

I currently don't have a partner as such right now but the last person I was with is a wonderful mother, and I would do anything to have her back

I used to hate kids because I didn't understand them. I didn't even want to be around them. But, now that I've matured(somewhat), I am finding that kids don't have the same effect on me, as they used to. I still have trouble relaxing around infants, but, if they're old enough to talk, I am able to relate with them. The older I get, the easier it seems to get. I used to think it was impossible but, someday I might want 1 or 2 kids of my own. Who knows? Only time will tell...

I would like to have a child.

i am not aspie but i am a mom and i often feel unqualified to do this job. i love my kids but there are days when i contemplate running off to some warm tropical place far away from the whining and fighting and all hte other issues, but know i never could because they're just so awesome.
even if i knew all my other kids would be aspies i would still want to have them aspie kid are awesome insome ways, and who bettter to understand thatn a fellow aspie.

if yo are not ready for kids then don't have them yet although not sure how ready most people are, sometimes you think you are then you have to go home from the hospital with this little thing that needs you for everything and you wonder who thought it would be a good idea to do this. lol

kids tens to put more strain on a relationship, in fact i think kids are what was the final straw in my marraige falling apart, he said he wanted them but didn't know what to do with them sand didn't like the loss of freedom they entailed, babysitters are an expensive addition to a date night.

you rais some valid points about her not likely having any for a year or so anyways, have you brought those up with her, or if you are not supposed to know why she left then what about having the friend who leaked the info mention it to her.

having kids never fixes a broken ralationship it often creates moere problems and holds two people together for a lifetime that may not be the best thing.

hopefully this helps.