This Forum Needs Yet Another Self-Proclaimed Love Doctor

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So it might as well be me.

1. Prove you're high on the social status/dominance scale by talking the whole time and not letting her say a word. If she does manage to say something, belittle her for holding such an utterly stupid opinion. Remember that women are attracted to self-confidence above all else.

2. Dress for yourself. If wearing a t-shirt with barbecue stains or prints of the Twinkie Man on them are your thing, go for it.

3. Play it cool; don't come off needy or desperate. In fact, I recommend calling her/Facebooking her/whatever people do these days to tell her that you're too busy for her and aren't really that into her anyway. Literally, I recommend you leave her an e-mail saying, "It was nice meeting you, but I'm really busy right now and am not that into you anyway. Maybe after the requisite three days have passed... Until then, cheers!"

4. Ignore your instincts. Remember that it is wrong to be attracted to women you find attractive. Instead, go for the overweight and overbearing woman who disgusts you viscerally.

5. Show her you're not just in it for the sex by telling her you don't think she's beautiful and would never contemplate getting intimate with her.

All five of these rules of thumb are guaranteed to work, or try something else!

You forgot one...

6. Perfect your inflections so you can say "Make me a sammich" correctly.

oh, oh, and remember to be both instructional as well as condescending
while saying 'Iron my shirt!"

Merle

I've got one,

Tell her you'll honor and respect her till the day you die, mean it, and do it.

All else will fall into place.

7. Before you say anything, grab her by the hair and drag her with you. Girls just love males taking initiative in a primal way.

8. Deoderant proofs you aren't confident about your BO. Make sure your armpits smell like a small animal crawled in there and died, as this shows your confidence.

9. Don't ever talk to, look,at or even acknowledge her existence. Otherwise, you'll come off as needy.


(for those being literal minded, this is not advice, this is sarcasm

10. One your first date, prevent her from ordering anything but bread and water because, as we all know, she is gonna need to slim down a few pounds before your gonna be willing to date her.

11. promise her her hearts desire, teasingly, and playfully entice her, promise her the world will be given to her the next time you see her, and then, give her a pop top, and tell her she sucks for not shaving her crotch.

12. remind her of how much of a masochist she likes to be

13. never hold her, hug her cuddle her, or kiss her, after sex.

14. when on the phone, scream at the top of your lungs all the foul words you know, then, when she hangs up, keep myspacing her, calling her voicemail and leaving the "i'm sorry baby" messages. Then, after this, if she calls you back, you just can know, she's not through with you yet!

15. Insist on paying for her lunch, the movie, and driving her everywhere. If she protests that she'd like to contribute, yell and scream. Beat your chest. Weep and wail. You can't have your little woman paying for everything! This is a threat to your MANHOOD!! !!
A few months into the relationship, complain that you do everything, pay for everything. Make jokes about "legalised prostitution". Do not listen when she points out how you acted in the beginning. You will be irresistible!