Annoyed about being judged for 'non-sexuality'

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I've had same sex crushes, but in a very kid-goes-ga-ga over pretty schoolteacher way. I've had sort of more adult thoughts, but for very brief and fleeting periods of my life, i.e. a week.
I've never graduated to wanting any romantic relationships with members of either sex, not because I have a lack of confidence in doing so, or feel a homosexual relationship would be wrong, but, there's something in me that fundamentally just doesn't go for 'grown-up' romantic relationships, regardless of which sex it is.
I don't really fit the AS mould completely. but I know there is something different in me in this respect, and to me I think it might be AS related. But it seems that part of me is fundamentally 'childlike'. The whole romantic relationship thing is really just not me. I respond and love people differently.
Anyway so mostly when people ask me about my sexuality, I tell them the best way to describe it to me is 'asexual'.
Now the trouble is that my gay/lesbian friends or acquaintances online and offline insist I am internally homophobic, because there is no such thing and I must be heavily closeted.
The trouble is, if you gave me an opportunity to date anyone I've ever had a same-sex crush on, it wouldn't work either, because that's not the way I am. The crush is an end in itself. And that's what they don't get.
I take offense not to being thought of as gay but that they are missing the point about human variation and grey areas entirely.
It honestly is infuriating, and I am sick and tired of them insisting I must be different in a way that is acceptable to them. They make fun of my 'asexuality', while taking great offense to my 'homophobia'.

Help!

You might be looking for the word 'pansexual,' which I think means 'being attracted to personality, rather than gender.' I'm not an expert on the subject though.

I don't get the whole romance thing so much though; apparently it weirds my friends out that believe it or not, I'm not interested in guys enough to have a crush on them, but they insist and I'm trying to figure it out how to word it to them without getting taken the wrong way (once they came up with 'lesbian' and I had to explain I was not). I have the urge to just tell them something so they would go away.

Hehe, you sound adorable.

Oh, neither did I! It's just that, four years ago, I spent a while being really nice to people and helping them talk out their problems and being a friend to them when no one else would, and one day this strange, strange man started getting all clingy and wanting to talk until all hours of the night. He's my boyfriend. He won't admit he's HFA, but I don't see him forming normal relationships very often. One of these days, I'm just going to put him in a wheelchair and pump him full of tranquilizers. He'd like that. I think.

My relationship with Gary has its oddities and ideosyncrasies, and I think that many relationships actually do. We are happy, though. Simply form interpersonal relationships in the manner that feels most "you." It will get you further than trying to fit into some kind of mould.

They're idiots. I know one couple who doesn't have sex, but they both admit to whacking off no less than ten times per day. They don't find each other unattractive, but sex simply doesn't play a role in their relationship. They just don't make that connection. They're perfectly happy, though, and both of them are quite openly gay. In fact, they're demonstrative to the point of being obnoxious.

Tell them they're obnoxious fags. Alternatively, simply explain to them that, for some reason, it seems that either you have failed to develop sex-seeking behavior, or you will be very late in developing it. If they cannot accept your developmental flaws, if they must think of it as such, then don't waste your time with them. The idea behind friends is that they'll stay by your side in spite of your problems. This is part of how we differentiate between friends and acquaintances.

My own oddities have served me very well, though. I have the ability to maintain interpersonal relationships once having been formed, but I do not have a propensity for pursuing them. I have no temptation whatsoever to move on to other prospects, and I consider Gary the only investment that I am interested in making at this point in my life. The idea of doing anything differently just doesn't occur to me. As such, my relationship with him has been very stable, and it has endured challenges that most would consider very disruptive. There is no volatility whatsoever, at least on my part.

I used to describe myself as "Indifferent". It wasn't until fairly resently I even learned the word asexual, but now that is what I use.
Why are they asking about your sexuality? I obviously don't know about you, but my sexuality is my buisness, and nobody else', and unless I have good reason to talk about it I won't.

I've been for a while confused about my sexuality. When I was young I would have thought of my self as straight but at that times I wasn't aware that there was heterosexuals and homosexuals. Growing up I was always different. I had few close friends and at school I usually played alone. I got picked on alot for being gay, queer, ret*d. I hated sports. I had crushes on girls, but those crushes probably had a different nature than any of my NT male peers. I became obsessed with the boots or sneakers girls would wear and would want to wear them too.

In 1986, 1995 and 2003 I met girls who I formed my closest friendships with outside of girls who were in my grade level. The girl I met in 1995 became my girlfriend, It was a situation similar to that in the documentary Billy The Kid, but our relationship lasted 6 months, and then were back to just friends. We were out of touch for a while and only around Christmas a year ago did we get back in touch via the internet, which I didn't know existed when we were together. The friend i made in 2003 is still my friend now. She is the only friend that ever calls me, that is not a return call. Since the end of July 2005, my relationship with my most recent friend has not been as close, and we haven't spent as much time together. She thought I was looking for more than just a friendship. She thought that I was obsessed with her. You know how it goes being an aspie, You become obsessed with that friend because you have something you've always desired that NTs take for granted.

It wasn't until I was probably close to 18 that I came to understand what gay meant. Then I was probably disgusted with the idea but as time went on i became more curious and interested and desired to be more like guys that were gay. I was still and continue to be put off by the idea of gay sex but I think that i'm more inclined to want to have a gay relationship that is not sexual in nature only going so far as cuddling but only with guy who are in touch with their feminine nature. As far as girls are concerned, through the internet and TV I've been exposed to relationships between gay guys and girls and want to experience that type of relationship for myself too.

Point out that this line of reasoning shares the element of "you don't really know what you think and feel, but I know and will tell you" with the claim that homosexuality is merely a lifestyle choice. That they don't know how it feels doesn't make it impossible.

Last edited by Gromit on 04 Mar 2008, 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Aardvark, I'm also fundamentally childlike, in a way. It seems no matter what I do, and I have attempted to expose myself to the "grown-up" world for many years, it has no impact. I simply don't "get" the romantic/love/relationship thing at all. In my case, my crushes will be on the opposite sex, but have about as much meaning as what you describe. The problem is not that gay people think you are gay or that straight people think I am straight, but that people think we are real adults because we show many traits that adults have, such as the outward appearance and intellect of an adult.

I haven't had much experience trying to explain this to people, but I think the "childlike" angle is a good opening. I haven't yet experienced or felt the grown-up stuff (and maybe never will). We have to make the case that we shouldn't be rushed.

Win!

I have a similar problem and the same reaction by others even my bestfriend who happens to be gay. I've had crushes more like childish crushes on many people ranging from my newest one on Ricky Martin. I've never had an interest in sex or expressing it. I'm not able to carry an adult relationship in any way since my mind is stuck at 9 years. Most of the time I don't even think of myself as being an adult referring to anyone older than 30 as "boring grown-ups". Has anyone done a study or any research in this kind of thing? How many of us Aspies are like this?

I can't say I'm similar, but I consider myself not 'normal' in similar way. I'm not compelled to 'score with chicks' or really have the same drive as other guys. My relationship drive for women seems feminine.

Cuddling, love and relationship closeness is what I'm longing to fulfill. Not some physical act.

Maybe I'm mischaracterizing guys nowadays, but treating relationships as conquests... isn't my way at all. Talking with average guys at work and such, they seem to consider all the relationship stuff... as just something to tolerate to have a girl. Not as an something desirable on it's own.

I feel you. I identify as asexual as well. You might find this website helpful/interesting: www.asexuality.org

I'm straight, but I was judged because I could never get a girlfriend... guys started to hit on me in high school in an effort to make fun of me (or maybe they thought I was homosexual due to lack of girlfriend...)

Heh, my roommate cracks on me enough - jokes about buying me a gay porn, tearing corners off a guy card for not trying to get a blow in exiting a short term dating thing with a girl I'm not into, and most of our friends agree with them - that I seem incredibly impractical on the natural law level of it (and yes, I'm straight but tend to get accused of being sexually 6 years old and too sheltered to understand it all ).

I guess I know that for the most part people aren't faking it for show, but it sure as hell makes me wish I had more flexibility to be enough like that to be able to go into that mode - when I wanted to and when it suited my interests.

My advice: Don't give a crap about what others think. It is much easier on your constitution.

Yes Everyone says "Kalister, why are you so prudish?"

I explain to them that Kalister does not enjoy flirtatious interactions, or being overly sexual. He is a very modest man, in an immodest world.

Hi, I'm new to the sight and had started a discussion on why I'm here under the "Get to know you" forums...anyway I stumbled on this discussion and I'm a little relieved. I'm an NT dating an Aspie. Your discriptions of "childlike" crush are a perfect discription for our relationship sometimes. He has a childlike way that he expresses affection toward me. Which can be really confusing because he is 40 years old. And we have some issues with sex. It's getting better. But his intrest level is definately different. I'm going to try to explain from my perspective:

It's like he's over here hanging out in his own world. Often times our worlds meet in commonality. But in my world desire is present almost constantly everyday especially for someone your interested in and if it's a new relationship. For him it seems he's doing his own thing then realizes I'm there and we share somethings then he's interested. And this interest can last a few days or develop into a pattern that last a few weeks. But I've never had it last much longer because then he's off again with one of his new obsessions/interests or maybe drifting along in his own head or daily routine and then I have to remind him, "I want to be with you" and he's like "of course and of course I want to be with you too." And he does and he will after a period of time intiate a long period of intimacy but it will take him much longer to want or think about that then me. Inbetween our times of "interest/intimacy" he wants to regularly snuggle - every night practically. But it's very childlike or innocent...like he smiles a lot at me like a child...or holds me like he's squeezing a teddy bear and will say "my Michelle".