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Sailorof7cs
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11 Apr 2008, 11:36 am

So my wife had a bad day yesterday. She had some trouble with a problem co-worker. Long story short-- My wife was crying last night. It bothers me when she cries. I want to make it all better but I know I can't. I see other people comforting people when they are crying, but I just don't get how to do it. What am I supposed to do?

This might sound bad, but some times I wonder why she does not just get over it. I know I am supposed to empathize but a lot of times I can't.

What to do?



PinkieOfDoom
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11 Apr 2008, 12:30 pm

To be honest this is tough. Even though I have Asperger's, I've found that people tend to come to for comfort or appreciate it when I try to comfort them.

I try to make people laugh. I find that it helps if you're funny. If that's not the case, don't try it.

Usually, when I see people crying, body contact is good. Hugging or rubbing their back helps a lot. You don't have to say anything to them. Ask them what's wrong and just listen to me. It's even better when you do both at the same time.

Edit: I should add that I have a hard time empathizing, too, if it makes you feel better.



Elspeth
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23 Apr 2008, 2:02 am

Even if you don't say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing, just going up to her and putting your arm around her is good and shows that you care.



KimberKenobi
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23 Apr 2008, 9:31 am

As a woman... Men like to fix things... sometimes when we're upset, we don't want or expect anything to be fixed. We just want to be listened to and know that our feeling are valid, even if you don't completely understand them.

As an aspie male, maybe talking as little as possible would be good so that none of that blunt honesty/curiosity surfaces...


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DanteRF
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23 Apr 2008, 1:10 pm

If I were you I'd lay or sit beside her, and just hold her. There is no need to talk to her. If she talks listen, if she expects a response respond, she might just be fine with the holding.



Belfast
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23 Apr 2008, 3:58 pm

KimberKenobi wrote:
As a woman... Men like to fix things... sometimes when we're upset, we don't want or expect anything to be fixed. We just want to be listened to and know that our feeling are valid, even if you don't completely understand them.

As an aspie male, maybe talking as little as possible would be good so that none of that blunt honesty/curiosity surfaces...

I'm female w/AS & my bf is NT. I don't know how to comfort or console him, but he rarely seems to want/need it. I just do what I'd ask of him, which is hugging/holding.
When I'm upset, I try to let him know if it's something I'd like him to take action on, if possible ("fix it now, please")-or something that nothing can be done about, and I just want him to let me talk (and also to share his perspective).
Knowing and/or being reminded that one's companion is still "there for" you (and cares about you) can be comforting in itself-even if it doesn't immediately make things any better. Having "backup"-someone on my side or in my corner-is affirming, validating, and appreciated.

If one has comment or question of someone close to them who is upset, perhaps a disclaimer made beforehand would be good idea-like, "I hope this doesn't offend you or sound insensitive...". I've gotten more upset sometimes when my bf says something that I interpret a certain way that makes me feel he doesn't understand me at all. Then I'm caught up in reacting both to what he said & that he didn't realize I'd react so poorly to it-so at least a preface or disclaimer would remove one of those (unintentional) triggers/provocations.


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KimberKenobi
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23 Apr 2008, 7:50 pm

Just to clarify... I'm a female as well...


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"The whole day went not much to your liking... But the sun will still rise, the sun will still rise... You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to play well, you don't have to fix everything all by yourself" --Holocombe Waller