Nice Guy Syndrome

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http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

This might be of some use to people here, after reading it I realized a lot of my issues stem from what the book describes. Not always to a T but at least I've found most of my problems and being an Aspie isn't one of them.

Not sure how I'm going to go about implementing some of the changes it suggests but I'll do my best and report before/after when I can. Probably should see a psychotherapist as well anyway.

Anyone have any experience with this subject?

I'm often aggressively nice, as it puts folks in a receptive frame of mind, and gives me some initiative as to what I share with them..

I think this could apply to me...I should consider reading it

You might also consider reading through this thread, spawned by Yours Truly. :

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt41063.html

Dont be a "nice guy", be a Bad Boy(like Billy Idol) . I used to be a "nice guy" until I turned into a macho jackass ; women seem to like that better though they wont admit to it .

I'd also Love to hear what those Heartless b*****s have to say about women allegedly not wanting sex.

So woman don't like nice guys and then complain that guys arn't nice.

I suggest just be yourself and be happy with who you are, then you will project a more attractive attitude.

Exactly, so simple (apparently), so crucial.

I really hope I am a nice guy. No matter what people say at least I am trying. But still...

I had several female friends with whom I had real conversations on their feelings and who had some trust in me (in general I believe with reason). I prefer to call the reason why it never worked out the brother-syndrome instead of the nice-guy syndrome. In an early relationship there should be some good tension. Talking about pasts, problems, insecurities, etcetera is just no substitute for it. It might be a good to do so at some time, but too much just ruins all romanticism.

To become more romantic probably the guy has to be more sure of himself and probably show a bit of his wishes (yeah, those). Deep talk is not out of the question, but is probably better first about subjects and wishes (one of the first conversations with my girlfriend was about going to Nepal together, which did not happen so far btw). The tough one is also a first move has to be made. Doing that might nog feel like being a nice guy, but not doing so can ruin a lot.

Come to think of it, being a nice guy all the time can also be seen as hiding yourself. You are actually not be showing your true feelings and most of the times also hiding imperfections behind being nice. To a girl this can also be very scary. As a mountaineer this is like seeing a real easy ridge to a summit, but it is in the mist. You know there is still a mountain there and every problem can still arive in the mist. The jerk is more like the other ridge with some hard stuff in it that just calls to be scaled. I'd go for the steep ridge!

For the real misanthropic nice guys I have a music tip by Bill Callahans (aka Smog):
'Every girl I ever loved
has wanted to be hit
and every girl I ever loved
has left me
'cause I wouldn't do it'

But before you sing this ask yourself if you're not more like Bob Dylan:
'Well, Louise, she's allright
she's just near
but she makes it all to concise and to clear
that Johanna's not here'

With other words maybe we are just as bad, but only the other way around...

(hows that for a thread-killer )

Most guys are generally nice guys, when it comes to dating. The girls who hang around with the "bad boys" are generally the kinds of girls who have serious emotional problems. The girls who want to be abused are just DUMB! There is no other word for it!

D-U-M-B!

Nice girls want nice guys. There is the difference between being a nice guy and a doormat!

If you want an example of a complete and utter, "she's always right" doormat, look at Chase Mathews from Zoey 101. He is the epitome of pansy-ass tool! Zoey's got him wrapped around her little finger, and he has absolutely no chance of getting that poon!

But anyway, he is the extreme.

Some girls just want to be abused. That's a fact of life. Most girls don't.

I don't know if "want" is the right word here. Some women are born into abusive households and have no sense of self-worth, which is why they will tolerate abuse, it's what they're used to.

As a side note, I've noticed that guys who call themselves "bad boys" are invariably mama's boys. I noticed this when I started watching Blind Date, which is a real-life show, but I can also see examples in people I know.

What really irritates me about your comments regarding women is that you try as hard as you can to depict women as being "mysterious" and unpredictable when the overwhelming evidence points to the contrary. Women ARE just as predictable as men. So even if Bad Boys are "invariably mama's boys" plenty of women still want 'em . Also, reality TV shows like Blind Date are highly questionable in terms of how people behave in REAL LIFE when they're not on camera. How can you tell that the whole thing isnt staged?

Last edited by D1nk0 on 13 Apr 2008, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't see how those things relate to what I said, and no-one "becomes" gay, it's what you are.

I get the impression that what people mean by "nice guy" is someone who is manipulative. I think I can be too nice, but that's out of a weakness of character (for lack of a better term) rather than an intent to act a certain way. I need to learn how to assert my interests so that I'm more likely when meeting a woman to be put in the "potential partner" category instead of the "cute, harmless guy" category.

I think that orientation can change. But that doesn't mean that it's all your choice.

Nice Guys have always been way more awesome and attractive than bad guys for me. Bad guys I know are, to be honest, repulsive, a tad ugly, and very boring to talk to.

Why completely change what you say instead of just posting again? That's what I get for not quoting you...

I don't try at all to depict women as anything. That's your depictive processes working there, pal. But I ask you this, if women are so predicable, then why don't all the desperate guys on here (who are always saying they want a girlfriend) have girlfriends?

Yeah, some women will say that they like 'bad boys', and it's true that guys who march to their own beat are attractive, as that's a form of confidence. But slapping a label on yourself is not only lame, but it usually indicates that you're trying to be something you're not, ie covering up your insecurities. Thus self-professed bad-boys are usually anything but.