Oh, What the Hell, I'll Post Here Too

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So I'll present my romantic history here as briefly as I can. It's pretty much mandatory to know it to understand where I'm at now. For the women in question, I'll resort to a numbering system to protect the innocent...and the psychotically evil too, so that'll all equal opportunity eh?

So Woman 1 was one I met in 2nd grade and got and kept a crush on for all the rest of school. Was it obsession or love? Hell if I know, and upon closer examination she's really quite a horrible person, so that's what it is. Never made a move on her in any kind of serious way, other than leaving Valentines at her door and never taking credit and other indirect things like that. So I went off to college and fell for one girl a year for the four. Woman 2, a rebel without much cause to be, was protective of me in my social group, the first one I'd ever participated in, and that pretty much meant I fell in love with her, which made sense at the time. She told me no simply and directly, a kindness I would appreciate more as the years went by. Woman 3 had actually taken a vow of chastity to aid in her missionary work. This is confirmed too, and I doubt many people have gotten the whole vow of chastity turndown. Woman 3 was an artistic hypersocial type who everyone fell in love with eventually, and it was this knowledge of the insubstantial nature of the affection that caused her to turn me down. Completely agree with her in retrospect, and did as soon as I came out of my romantic cloud at the time. Woman 4 was an incredibly introverted horror writer who turned me down on the basis of waiting for one of her fictional characters to turn real and take her away. Woman 5 was someone I knew as a kid who I helped get back on her feet, fell into a couple week long relationship with, and then got cheated on twice and left for one of the two guys, both of whom were fairly close friends. So that was unpleasant enough to rattle me enough to send a frantic e-mail to Woman 1 professing my love for her, which was kindly returned with a phone call from her dad kindly asking me to kindly leave his daughter alone until the end of time. Don't see how that could've ended much worse.

Woman 6 deserves her own paragraph break. I managed to steal her from one of the guys who had cheated on me with Woman 5, so the whole thing has a certain irony to it. Anyway, I was working on my master's and she was a freshman, so there was as significant age difference, six years to be exact. The levels of dysfunction mined by this relationship could fill volumes, but I'll focus on the sexual aspect because it was the most damaging and the part I am least optimistic about for future relationships. You see, she was a budding sex researcher and wanted to be a sex therapist for her career, and that meant she had already done a ton of research into the subject. This meant a great deal of learning for me, not just from talking to her but taking classes, reading books, going to adult stores, just full treatment. Anyway, she codified our sexual dysfunctions for convenience and I see no need to not reuse her model here. Here goes. Sex thing 1, my inability to catch onto the fact that talking about our sex life with my friends or leaving out certain incriminating evidence that it existed made her uncomfortable. Not surprisingly, this was no longer a problem once I was informed about it at all. Sex thing 2, her inability to bring me to orgasm without me finishing the job. This was solved by the realization that I simply needed to remove distraction. No TV on in other words in most cases. Sex thing 3, my inability to bring her to orgasm. This was never solved, never forgiven, and destroyed me in way I never could have comprehended. Learning about methods for solving it was unhelpful, largely because the more I learned about female orgasm the more I realized that the sexual acts most likely to bring it on were also the ones I most disliked doing. Disliking said activities is not uncommon for heterosexual men, I don't think, because most of them do like to be able to breathe and to not lose feeling in their jaw. The real problem is the complete inability to pretend I enjoy such activity, as Asperger's renders me a bad actor. No woman is going to have an orgasm because you did something you hate doing to be nice, which is odd to men because in the reverse situation we're just dandy. I've spent entire nights, dusk to dawn, on my knees begging forgiveness for failures in this area. Finally, she broke up with me, broke off what had become an unwise engagement in fact, and confessed to cheating on me twice before bothering to break up with me.

Woman 7 dated me for a week and a half before breaking up with me because my Sunday School class of which we were both a part pressured her into it. This was my final push into atheism, something which the writings of Richard Dawkins have given a stronger foundation to since then.

So now that we're all up to speed on what brought me here, I think we can agree that we're dealing with a number of issues preventing me from having another romantic relationship. Whether that be trust issues, sex issues, pessimism, social interaction issues, or probably quite a few more you can notice just from my backstory. My current position is that I do not want a romantic relationship because it constitutes living in constant fear of ticking another person with great capacity to emotionally harm you off for no reason you can discern. Honestly, there's no one beautiful enough or wonderful enough to make me convert the rest of my time on this planet into a neverending quest to find out what I did.

-Frank

Was there a question you wanted to be answered that required this knowledge?

Hi frankcritic, that's quite a tale. You seem good at falling for people, so it'll probably work out well for you in the end if you spend a few years being too bitter to continue on like that. Hopefully, in a while, you'll meet someone who you like so much that you'll be willing to risk all that hurt to try again, but you won't still be on the emotional rollercoaster in the mean time. Well, I think I'm in a similar situation, and that's my optimistic story!

Also, in an attempt to give you hope, not all girls require you to use your mouth for them to orgasm - as a girl who finds such activity at best relaxing, I never understood the fuss.

Regarding the importance of the "certain activity", I have to say that I do not underestimate it. The very real problem of lacking this tool, or effectively lacking it given the realities I describe, does not escape me and contributes largely to my less than sunny disposition. For the record, for a relationship not involving this activity I would gladly give up its counterpart. Hell, for a relationship not involving this activity, I would tolerate a level of low sexual activity normally associated with marriages past the two-decade mark. Why? Because there are a lot worse things than not having sex in a relationship. Because there is sex that will make you wish for not having sex like a starving man wishes for water in a desert. Believe me. Plus, breathing is important.

As to the question that required thrusting such knowledge upon you, I suppose I want an assessment of whether I'm doomed. I'm pretty certain of it, mostly based on the history detailed in this thread, so I'm wondering if said history is a good basis for a conclusion of doom. There appears to be at least one post in the hope category, to an extent anyway.

-Frank

Well, that makes more sense. What I can't stand are guys who expect a woman to drop to her knees on command but don't want to reciprocate.

People do manage to breathe and perform this activity simultaneously, BTW, but that doesn't sound like the real issue here. As Amaren said, if you can satisfy your partner in other ways, "said activity" is not that important.

Don't get too disheartened. It's just a matter of finding a girl who likes what you like.

Assuming the sexual difficulties can be gotten past, there's the whole issue of whether I'm willing to let myself be that vulnerable to anyone again. That's part of what makes the idea of a woman with AS intriguing. Say what you will about aspies, they're honest, often to a fault and often to their own detriment. Add that with being obsessively logical and rational, and here's a pretty good chance of a woman who WON'T emotionally torture me. Doing that to an aspie isn't anything close to a fair fight, but seriously the hottest thing a woman could say to me at this point is, "What is this human emotion you speak of?" That just rules out so many different types of potential crazy, although admittedly not all of them.

-Frank