Confused

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I want a boyfriend, but want my space. I don't like being touched too much and much rather prefer my space.

However, I want a boyfriend. I just don't want to have to deal with another person (am I selfish or what?).

I like the idea of a boyfriend, but it never works out in reality.

I like control and being in control at all times.

I have obvious difficulties. I am slow with my speech and thoughts (autism and APD), have anxiety issues (which causes the attention issues). I don't deal well with stress. I have diabetes, asthma, anemia, and a minor heart condition. Any poor dude I wind up dating will have to not only memorize my entire health history (in case I faint or get sick), but will have to memorize all my medications, my diet regiment, and what to do in case of an emergency. That's a lot to ask of anyone. Most guys don't even have to worry about these issues - 99% of the female population is normal and in excellent health.

Not to mention my lack of interest in sex. There again, I am at war with myself.

It feels like two sides of me are at war with one another. I do and don't. I am and I am not. I want to, but I don't want to. You get the picture.

It doesn't help that, in the back of my mind, that I had this dream when I was 9 about my future soul mate being blown apart in a war (never mind that I can't keep a relationship now and always wind up dating duds who think they can take advantage of me because I converse slowly!).

I just feel so exhausted - I'm graduating and moving to Florida to look for full-time employment. I will have time on my hands and no idea what to do with myself.

I am sure that others feel the same as I do? Or what?

Note: I have to laugh at myself. I have so many more important worries than this. Just for whatever reason, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm trying to get these thoughts to go away so I can concentrate on more important topics (like getting through this last paper, presentation, and exams lol)

I feel like how you do, that I have too many issues and problems for anyone to be interested...and that seems to be bourne out in reality too i`m afraid. I wish I could say something more helpful.