Did yr Dx evoke past trauma

Post Reply New Topic

The reason I write this is that as a child I was abused very severely and as a result ended up in a mental hospital where I remained for nearly 18 months. I was put on a cocktail of medications and forced the horror of my suffering into my unconsciousness.

I was told that my behavior was odd, strange and mad, so subsequently my deeply concealed aspie nature unconsciously became synonymous with madness. Combined with my aspie non-facial expressions I developed a persona of 'normality' to conceal this dark stranger.

As I start to integrate my dx into my self I can feel my persona melting and the 15 year old boy in me being brought to light............it is a painful time. Yet I think of a line from Yates' poem
"Things fall apart, the center can't hold, a terrible beauty is born"

Is there anyone else whose Dx could be described as a terrible beauty being born?

yep, actually, having come to ponder it a bit

no past abuse though, deeply hidden in any unconscious

just a life full of emotional (and other) neglect
combined with the forgetmachine that is mind

[mind the gap // insert the comma]

having come both undone&stuck in any direction
up the creek then and no paddle

my late life dx is precisely that: a paddle up the creek

haven't yet made my mind up whether
i'll venture upwards now, or let any stream take me down

but yes, a more complete identity is taking shape and
finding some peace, whether a thing of terrible beauty,

(born out of undeniably having fallen apart)
well: ecce homo: that is up to whomever beheld

Not like you're talking about criss, but me being drawn into a particular suck situation did come up, and I still don't like it after 9 years.

I was dxed aspie as a child, so I knew full well what I was. It still didn't stop me from making naive blunders as a teenager... stuff I really regret too, since it for all intents and purposes killed my chances with a woman that I really love to this day as well...

I did not know of my AS until adulthood, after both of my children were diagnosed with autism (AS and PDD).

The irony for me is that I spent my life trying to deny the parts of me that didn't fit. Then my daughter was born, and I had an interesting dilemma - I was staring at a carbon copy of myself. I realized at some point that accepting her meant accepting myself. Not just acknowledging a former self I had done everything within my power to erase from conscious thought and memory, but loving her. Through her, I have found enough acceptance for us both, so she truly is a gift. However, watching her struggle socially in many of the same ways I did brings back a lot of terrible memories. I am working hard to help her avoid making ALL of the faux pas I did.

On a similar note, I also look back at all of the things I suffered so terribly with, believing that I was somehow horribly flawed and the only human being that was the way I was. IF ONLY I had known, but I did not.

The process of diagnosis has inevitably led me to face my figure all bare in the mirror. And it's quite ugly to see the worst grimace staring back when I've only been content and stable in life after choosing the very ideals that are entirely beyond me.

In short, yes, the diagnosis gave way to some very ugly truth. I'm still between awe and fear.

It's got nothing to do with abuse though, surprisingly. And not much of the past, unless you call a realisation process of yourself somewhat past-related.

But your quote from Yeats fits entirely.

I love that Yates quote...one of my favorites.

I actually experienced what you describe before I was DXed aspie. It was when I quit drinking,(drank from 16-26) it seemed to surpress my aspie tendencies and they resurfaced the longer I stayed sober. I was interesting and a bit frightening to be reunited with the self I had been unaware I was surpressing . At 26, I was finally ready to except that I was "me" and was Ok with it. It was another 16 years before I learned about AS and only because of work difficulties that I decided to find out if it applied to me. By then I was already OK with being me but finding WP and relizing there were others similiar to me, was a nice surprise and it did give me some understanding of why my parents were so "mean" to me growing up)trying to make me NT exceptable).

I didn't experience any trauma the first time it surfaced because I simply went into denial. It was only when a friend noticed my AS that I realized I would have to face it. I struggled with it as I remembered things that clearly showed my aspieness and after many months of this I very nearly had a breakdown (though life was challenging me in other areas too at the time) and it was then I considered a re-assessment because I couldn't go on like that, and really, I half-believed I was going to escape an ASD and at worst, just be borderline.

I can remember starting to gather notes about what I remembered about my life and feeling great waves of sadness and loss. Strangely enough, I think it was my disbelief that stopped me breaking down altogether, I still clung onto hope that all was well and that it was some terrible mistake. Yet even then, I had already started to have a sense of relief in there as well. It was like some kind of rollercoaster for me, alternate feelings of hope set against deep feelings of confusion and sadness. My throat often felt tight during those months.

When I finally got the courage up to get re-assessed, even on that morning as I was travelling to see the psychologist, I was convincing myself that it was all a waste of time because I was neurotypical. A good few hours later though, having had my diagnosis given to me in a very straightforward direct and unequivocal manner, there was no more confusion, only a relief and a feeling of peace.

I walked out into the street that morning with no more doubts only a certainty that I could face the future as me, the real me.