Wanting yet not wanting Love?

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Anyone else who clings onto a foolish dream of settling down one day, and finding the 'love of their life', yet has become so dishearted by life and experience that they simply cannot find it in themselves to care or to try to find it?

Most of the time, I take the cynical view that most couples are unhappy and tied down and that once you have it, it isn't actually all that great, along with the certainty that I simply am not compatible with anyone.
But sometimes, I look at families out and about, and there is a sense of loss, bitterness and resentment that I will probably never have that.
Yet, I do not talk to anyone, I am in no clubs, I do not mingle, I am literally a recluse in real life, thus surely, I cannot want it that badly ?

This doesn't strike me as a valid inference, because of course many people want to do things and then stop short of actually doing them. This is incredibly common and is basically just what procrastination is for most people. Some people don't do things because they're just care-free, but a lot of the time if not most of the time it boils down to not wanting to relive unpleasant experiences or low self-esteem in some form.

Last edited by Hector on 26 Oct 2009, 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

There are times where I felt the same way. For me, idealizing is the way to ensure that I find it. It's all about knowing about what one wants, and developing the self-esteem needed to maintain and cultivate such a relationship.

I have felt the same way for a long time except for the cynical bit about most families not being happy. I had dreams of finding someone to be with for years while I was in college. I tried dating sites, joining clubs, etc. Then time went on and I eventually realized that it probably wouldn't happen. I moped and felt sorry for myself. Then I came to a realization, feeling sorry for myself was a waste of energy. I could either live the life I had and stop complaining, or go out and make an honest effort to try and be with someone. Now I live my life and if I meet someone then great, if I don't then oh well.

You need to make a decision for yourself. Do you honestly want to be with someone? If the answer is yes then go out and try to meet people. If the answer is no then stop navel gazing and live your life. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but that's my point of view.

I think it's possible to feel ambivalent about relationships. If you find socializing exhausting as I do, it is only natural to worry that a relationship might require more than you can manage. It's only human to want to feel that kind of connection, but can you keep that connection if you need frequent alone time to stay sane?

I feel exactly the way the original poster in this discussion feels. I have struggled with it for years.

Wecome to my world!
I'd love to have someone but I'm incapable of doing all the touchy-feely 'caretaking' bs that goes along with it. My perfect relationship would be someone who will be around when I need them, and get lost when I don't. Not realistic, I know. But there it is.

i know what you mean.
that special someone for me would have to be a pretty specific sort of guy for it to work.

When I found out my INFP type represented only 1.5% of the population I thought no wonder.

are you SERIOUS? *wail of dismay* i guess i have even less a chance than before.

Interesting topic. Like other folks, I still have some desire for romantic interpersonal relationships, but I have a history of bad experiences, and I need a lot of time by myself. Moreover, couples tend to go out and do things together, like going to restaurants, travel/ go on holiday, etc.. I do not have the time, energy, money, or desire to do much else beyond go to work, take care of basic needs (like buying groceries), and read. Consequently, even if I found someone who was similarly quiet and boring, would there be any point to having a relationship, especially if we spent most of the time in separate rooms, doing our own things? "Lonelier, together, in our strange world"?