Resigned with being alone

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I posted here a couple of times before, but I figured I would pop in again. Anyway, I just turned 30 and I was diagnosed with AS about nine or ten years ago. Compared to others with AS, I have done fairly well. I have a master's degree and a steady job...I live independently, am fairly active within the community, and have a number of good friends. This was not easy; as recently as two or three years ago, I was a complete mess socially and careerwise. However, one thing I have never been "over the hump" with was when it came to relationships. I did not have a single date until I was 27, and I only had my first relationship last summer (which lasted only about three months since my ex couldn't deal with my AS). I am still a virgin, even at age 30. I've been dating fairly steadily...pretty much all through online dating since I am too shy to approach a potential date at a bar or somewhere else. I have had little luck with it outside the short relationship, as every date has been a "one and done" except for the last girl I went out with (two dates, but still rejected in the end). I am very courteous...I don't (at least I think) say anything offensive or rude...I am well dressed and always offer to pay...I even show good eye contact and can hold my own in a conversation most of the time. Yet, I never find any success with the opposite sex.

I realize my frustrations are very common among people with AS, but it frightens me. I have a friend who is 51 years old, and has a rather similar issue as myself...he generally could pass for "normal", but he has AS traits that have affected his life. He is single, and never married. While he seems to accept it, this isn't how he wanted his life to end up. He knows how much AS has affected his life, and while he deals with it, he isn't very happy with it. He doesn't have much of a social network, and while he doesn't show it, he is rather depressed.

I never really told him about it, but I have an intense fear that I am going to end up like my friend 20 years from now. This bothers me tremendously because I really want to be in a relationship and eventually have a family, and I want to meet someone who respects me for who I am, faults and all. I am terrified by the statistics that show that people with AS rarely marry or have successful relationships, and feel that every rejection I get from a female after a first date is just more proof that I am not meant to be with someone.

I realize many Aspies are resigned to the fact that finding someone may never be in the cards. A lot may not care, but I know that plenty of, if not most, Aspies really want a relationship but cannot seem to get that opportunity. How do you cope with that? I am not trying to sound like I'm giving up the ghost, but I often wonder if this is my destiny, and I will be a lifelong bachelor...meanwhile, I'm not giving up. I resubscribed to eHarmony (which I think is the best online dating service based on everything I've seen), and I'm going to continue to date. I just keep having that false hope that I'll "strike gold" one of these days. When? Who knows...but I have to keep trying.

While there's life, there's hope. Keep trying. I thought I wasn't interested in dating anymore, but now, after many years, I find that I am willing to try again. Having a good and positive self concept helps. I have been seeing a therapist to work on the stresses of being an Aspie in an NT world. I have gotten better at social things, and I am actually going to meet-ups in my town, to practice my social skills. Out of these things, I hope a relationship may happen.

PS: One thing to start with, is to include more info about yourself in your profile. Sometimes, when I am on WP, and read a posting from a male who sounds interesting, it's rather frustrating to view their profile and see the bare minimum of info. Just a thought. Some lady might be interested in you, you never know.

Man, so many of us have this disease... and I don't mean Asperger's Syndrome, I mean the "I Want To Be In A Relationship" Syndrome. Someone needs to find a cure for it, and fast.

I found her.

-Frank

HurrMark, your situation sounds eerily similar to mine. I'm 27 years old, and while I'm not as much of a late bloomer when it comes to dating and have had a couple semi-serious relationships, I feel like I'm in practically the same place you are. As such, I don't think I have anything that will help you solve your problem. Just keep doing the right things - go on those excruciating first dates, and stand tall no matter how many rejections you get.

Keep in mind there are others like you. We're all in this fight together. Let us never give up!

Do you tend to look in the same places, doing the same routines when trying to find someone?
If you are exclusively using an online dating service, perhaps the women who use these are not your type?

Think of it as a problem... which it is... and identify the shortcomings as best you can.

Maybe you feel like you've already done this?

Take a good look at your experiences and the women you have met so far... is there a pattern that might indicate you are going about it wrong?

I have never found a woman in a bar.
I couldn't do it either.
I generally meet women I am interested in, at work.
Perhas that's why none of my relationships have lasted, although this last one went for 17 yrs.

Maybe try this... this just came to me (maybe I'll try it too )...

List all the qualities and characteristics of the women you have met so far.
Then make a separate list of the qualities and characteristics of the woman you feel you would be most compatible with.

Take this information and run it through a personality test... like those "what do I want to be when I grow up" exercises.
You know.. the ones that are supposed to tell you what job you are best at or career you should persue?

Maybe this can help identify not only the woman you would be most successful with, but also tell you where to find her also.

If you figure out the woman of your dreams might be an airline pilot... see if you can find out where female airline pilots hang out when they're not flying. Maybe you can go there and meet one?

This may sound like a joke or just plain silly, but maybe... just maybe, this would work.

One other thing...

You have already mentioned how you were diagnosed years ago, and you are successful in many areas of your life.
This is important!
You have taken a critical look at yourself and discovered some important things.
You have made successful moves in your life.
I think you should take a moment to really consider that this could also be a sign that you may very well succeed in a relationship where your 50 y.o. friend has not.

At least you are recognizing it now and can work on changing it.

I wish you well!

Ive began to realize that on some very rare occasions, choosing truth over happiness is NOT a good idea. Furthermore when it comes to Romanc, Dating, etc. etc. that living with hopelessness is pretty much Living DEATH. Hope is what keeps people alive Bro(to frankcritic).Im starting to think that assuming you wont and being hopeless will discourage you from taking measures to increase the chances so essentially it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remaining optimistic ALLOWS your mind to focus on other things which interest you instead of making yourself more miserable than you already are. So now YOU found someone Frank and you're discouraging others from feeling hopeful?

Stop trying for relationships. Basing your happiness on another person's decisions and opinions will make you feel worse, you'll look desperate, and it will be counterproductive. If you have a job, you're already doing better than me. What things do you enjoy? Concentrate on your tastes, and what makes you most comfortable in your own skin. When I start earning money, I will get a better looking vehicle. In this world, appearance counts for a lot, and money has a way of taking the rough edges off of people. The demands of a relationship will only make things worse for you if you're not already living comfortably. Recognize your own value and do the selfish thing by living for yourself. Buy a red convertible. Move to California or one of the four corners states, it's really quite beautiful, and your red convertible won't rust out there, unlike crappy Michigan, where so many human bodies are also unhealthy. I won't stay where I am too long after I graduate, because I have seen a little of what life is like elsewhere.

The only way you can get into a good relationship is to not need one. I know it doesn't make sense and I don't know why it works this way but it does. It's like how I got my pet bird. I wasn't looking for any pets at the time, but I got to like one of my mom's birds. Over the course of a year I had time to interact with the bird and to evaluate the merits of keeping this bird in a neutral and dispassionate manner because I still wasn't specifically out to get a bird. It was a good choice because the decision to keep the bird was based on whether that would be for the best for both me and the bird.

Do you know what you are looking for? Having an idea as to what you want is the first thing you that will serve you well in your search for that perfect one; knowing what you do not want is of course the second. While actively searching for that perfect example is of course very important, keeping an eye out for them in your daily routine is essential. You never know when the fates will drop something wonderful in your lap. I find that observing the world in it's entirety with an impartiality while weighing the values of potential suitors against that arbitrarily designed list of qualities to be extremely helpful: at the end of the day I am satisfied that I have not missed any potential persons with whom I may develop a repor. Using this afore mentioned technique I have come across My perfect woman; the perfect examples of my physical and, more importantly, mental preferences. Everything I've spent the last ten years looking for (I am currently 26 at the time of this posting). But then again, seeing as how she killed herself recently, seeing as how she chose death rather than going out on our second date: maybe you shouldn't listen to what I have to say after all. (I appologise for any misspellings in this post, my freind Jim Beam helped me write it.)

I know who I want, but she doesn't want me.

"I found her." is meant in response the post directly preceding it which stated that someone needs to find a cure for, "I want to be in a relationship," syndrome. It's a joke. The kind you have to explain...which are never funny...

-Frank