All That's Left is Dating...

Post Reply New Topic

I am 30 years and old and feel like I have accomplished all of the goals of my life except for one. I have a good and stable job, a house, a car, paid off my student loans, and have enough money in my savings account that makes saving more money not make sense to me other than to prepare for retirement. I'm mostly content with my life and could be happy the rest of my life just the way things are.

I've put off seriously trying to find a wife my whole adult life. All potential relationships have been chance encounters with someone that turned out to be either misunderstandings on my part or they quickly realized they weren't interested or I wasn't interested in them. I've never actively searched for someone, but I can fall hard when I stumble across someone interesting.

Now I'm 30 and feel like I'm at the top of what I can be otherwise, I feel that now is the time to get serious. But it feels like I'm in a gameshow and am deciding whether or not I want to go for greater fulfillment or risk completely losing the stability in my life. I fear success more than I do failure. I feel relief at every failure. I wish I could split myself in two and let one of me take the road of marriage and family life and the other one free to be alone and comfortable. Both options appeal to me greatly, but I can't do both. If I could just go up to God and say "God, which path should I take", and I got a clear answer, I'd be happy with whatever he told me.

I'm happy staying single and obsessing over my interests and keeping my mind calm, but every now and then get the feeling of what's the point to taking up space on this Earth if I'm not going to have a legacy. I feel guilty that if I didn't have any children, then neither of my parents would have any grandchildren, and none of my grandparents would have any great-grandchildren (I'd feel a lot better if a sibling or cousin would have kids, but none of them are married as of yet). My mom is dropping hints she wishes I would step up to the plate, while if I talk to my Dad about it, he goes out of his way to let me know he is just fine if I don't get married (does he think that's for the best? does he think it would be a disaster?). I also feel like I'm only leading half of a life and that there is so much more that I am missing.

I'd like to give dating a shot. Then I wonder if I'd be doing any potential wife a big favor if I never met them. I'm a great guy with great values and minus some of the asperger issues have what it takes to make an excellent husband. The Aspie trait I'm most worried about is the propensity to be razzled by any little thing that is out of synch with my inner calm. I deal with this at work by taking breaks whenever I need to and then coming back in evening or weekend to make up for the hours I missed. How could I do that if I had a family waiting for me at home? I don't like to feel boxed in. The whole world that I am master of now could fall apart under all the strains of everyday life.

Ok, I'm going to go for it. I'm at the starting block and am just waiting for myself to shoot the gun and say "Go!". May God be with me.

It's good that you're cautious by nature, but on the other hand you're second-guessing yourself a lot. I say just do it and deal with the consequences as they come. Good luck!

Marriage and family is a big trade off.
Yes, it is easy and comfortable to live alone and everything stays as you left them. But...you are lonely. You feel like a piece is missing from your world. So, that will not go away.
Realize that even the best of relationships require work (on both sides). But, people get married and have kids because really, the rewards of that are worth the price.
Just really understand this one last point:
Once you take the plunge--you are in it for life. It is not a test drive. Divorce sucks, especially if there are kids involved. You can never just go back to your quiet world as you know it now.
But, like I said... it can be very much worth it.

Good luck and keep in touch.

Another point.... you're 30 now... time is running out. If you want to take that plunge, better seize the day now while there might be a few fish left in the sea. Not meaning to sound alarmist, but I am in the same boat, only at 34 I am staring down a huge statistical window that is about to slam down on me. (Only 5% of men 35 or older that have never been married ever get married). This statistic is predominantly for NT's, so my AS only decreases the odds exponentially. And this isn't due to some commitment phobia or men being set in their ways, as the feminists would have you believe... it is because most women think if you haven't sealed the deal by 35 there is something wrong with you. Your "use by" date has expired.

What I am trying to say is, if you are serious about finding that missing part of your life, don't put off beginning your search any longer.

Wow, you have a house already-not to mention a stable job....I'm jealous
Im 29 and looking for the same exact thing. Ive come close but havent gotten there yet. What job do oyu do and HOW did you get it?

Thanks for your replies.

I think getting into a relationship because I need a new goal is probably not a good reason. Neither is a desire to make my family proud. It's definitely something that I want, but it's also something I'm not sure I can handle. In that regard, I feel so defeated by this thing called Asperger's. To give up without a fight makes me sick. Fortunately, I'm not going to be miserable if I do remain single the rest of my life. At any rate, it is now or never for the most part. I'll hem and haw for a little bit longer yet.

About finding a stable job:
I am a software tester. I taught myself how to program in middle school, and went on to get my BS. I have been employed ever since graduation (minus a year on unemployment between two contracts). I attribute my being able to find work to the fact that I worked at a single contract house for 6 years. So, I wouldn't have to spend too much energy trying to find work and sell myself, my contract house (who knew me and what I was capable of since near graduation) would instead "sell" me to whoever they were helping out and I would just have to do a quick interview. I would have been happy being a contractor for another 10 years, but my latest contract was at a place that was just too good for me to be willing to give up if I didn't have to, so I converted to a full time employee when they gave me the option to convert or my contract was up. I first got my "foot in the door" by taking a quick three month contract with a company who was desperate for a ton of people for a big but short push. That was enough experience to get me my next contract and things rolled from there.