in a relationship but pretty sure i'm screwing it up...

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I've been in a relationship for the last two years with a girl that I've met at college whom I'm totally in love with. The story of how it happened is long and convoluted, so I'll leave it at that for now.

My biggest problem right now is that I feel like my mental situation is making it increasingly difficult to sustain the relationship, mostly in areas of close intimacy. She is getting more and more pissed off at the fact that, in intimate situations, I am paralysed at the prospect of taking the initiative and to her it seems that I am unwilling or uninterested. She takes my inability to be spontaneously sexually creative or to be more sexually open to be a sign of laziness or a lack of interest or both. I'm not lazy and I'm not disinterested.

I'm incredibly attracted to her and I'd like to be the kind of partner she wants me to be, but sex is a difficult area for me because it results in such vulnerability. A semblance of routine that our sex life had fallen into made the process easier for me but it's only made things more and more difficult for her. I still get scared of initiating things because I can't read just how positively or negatively she views particular kinds of advances, and when she plays hard to get I often end up taking it far too literally and back off, just angering her further.

I'm going to keep trying but things have only gotten harder and harder. As it becomes clearer that her patience is running out and my own ability to deal with this is not improving, I'm dreading more and more where things may (or may not ) eventually end up.

Well, clearly she wants you to be more sexually aggressive. The risk, and your fear, is that all of your advances may not be to her liking.

I'd suggest you tell her that, and make a deal with her. Tell her you're willing to step out of your comfort zone and take some chances, but that you don't want to hurt or upset her in doing so, so you'd like to agree on a verbal signal she can give you when she's not happy with the direction things are taking. This is called a "safe word".

People in the throes of play are often uncomfortable saying in so many words, "I don't like that, please slow down or stop." Conversely, a safe word is quick and easy to get out. "Yellow" and "Red", like the traffic lights, are popular ones and easy to remember in the heat of the moment.

If she assures you she'll use a signal if she's not happy with what you're doing, then you can have the freedom and confidence to try some new things while knowing nobody's going to get hurt.

I agree with the above poster. If you've been dating this girl for as long as you have, by now she should be more than willing to talk with you.

The idea of a safe word is excellent, just make sure that it somehow wouldn't pop up normally. Ow does not work

Also... as weird as this sounds, find out what kind of porn she likes. Yes, girls watch porn too. A lot of times, her interests in porn are pretty similar to what she wants to happen in real life.

The idea of a safe word is intriguing, and I already knew about it since some of the general kind of stuff alludes at wanting to do would practically requires one. Also, generally she's definitely not uncomfortable saying what she does and doesn't like, even during sex.

The barrier that I need to break is, I think, probably not so much about making it easier for her to tell me what she doesn't want as much as it is about trying to know what she *does* want. She's very non-communicative in the indignantly "You should already know" kind of way.

That's just fine with me and it sounds like it *could* be fun, but it's a little like walking into a crowded room though. You know what you want when you go to the party. You want to talk to people, to be classy and shmoozy, do everything right, and leave at the end of the night with some phone numbers, stories to tell tomorrow, and new friends.

Then there's the matter of just *how* you do that when you have a serious block to deal with.

I know the basic rules and guidelines for how these things should work, but the unpredictability and potential paralyzing awkwardness on my part and her willingness to tell me what she doesn't want while refusing to really tell me what she does is making this tough for me.

I'm sure I sound like a delightful boyfriend.

I'll try to figure this out and make a family friendly report back on what's happened.

You could try playing "hot or cold". Basically you start, and if she likes it she verbally says that you are getting warmer and vice versa. Its a way for her to tell you what she likes and doesn't like without actually "saying" it.

Edit -- I decided this post would be better PM'd.

She indeed shouldn't expect you to be a accomplished "mind reader" (although after a 2 year relationship in wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to know what she wants to some extend)
the best thing I can say is that you need to talk, make a few clear agreements and see how it goes. Since you're dating for 2 years that should be possible. A safeword sounds like a very good idea, give it a try. And remember that she likes (and care about) you, that should help.

What helped me in a similar situation was talking in great detail about what kind of intimate contact was wanted. This was terribly hard for all involved, as neither of us were used to saying such things. There were silences of a minute or more between comments as we tried to figure out how to express things - and LOTS of me burying my face in pillows. But by the end of that, we had a plan, and there's nothing I like better in a scary unpredictable situation than a plan. Also, if she's into what it sounds like she might be, you having a plan and sticking to it (except if safeword is used) might be exactly what's required.

If she refuses to discuss it because you should already know, perhaps she is shy about the details despite any apparent confidence. Maybe not - that's just a guess.

Hope this is of some help!

One of the reasons I suggested a safe word was so she WOULDN'T have to specify exactly what she wanted.