what do you want from a partner?

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what would happen in your ideal romantic relationship?

i thought it could be interesting to see what individual people want, the only thing ive heard from my friends is one bloke saying: "she roots good"


for me, a girl:
with whom it wont matter when we run out of things to talk about for awhile
will just hang out with me
will go to gigs with me
will understand most of the things i say
who i can kiss for no reason

Well it took me a bit to find out what I wanted. I am relatively newly Dx'd w/AS. which did not help with my social endevors.

I have always known I was "ODD" as people put it. So that was a great handicap. I ended up marrying for the wrong reasons. Mostly out of loneliness, and expectations, fear, inablility to make female friends. Men are alot less judgemental when you are a chick. I am divorced x2 from 2 count em' two idiot NT's. My DH (dear husband) now is WONDERFUL> I got my Dx about 10 years ago and up until now have lived in denial. But there is no denying it anymore. I can't be friendly enough, sweet enough , nice enough, & I can't understand people. Never could.

However, I somehow got really lucky and married a wonderful man. He is kind,caring, loving, accepting, beautiful, he doesn't understand everything that AS is nor does he try to say he does. He loves my quirks and finds ME irresistable!! ! ME, can you Imagine...

We are able to sit and not talk. I CAN look into his eyes because he knows me, & he loves me. I am not afraid to be myself. I don't have to hide,conform, assimilate. We have a great time because we can laugh about a lot of my quirks. Because even though he is NT, he IS NOT PERFECT & he is FAR from NORMAL.

I guess the only thing I can say is get out there and look ... Most NT's are NOT meant to be with an AS. As they become embarassed by some of our actions. NT's can be cruel because they can blend into almost any situation. They will lie ,cheat & steal to conform. I don't know ablout you but I can do none of those things...

Nothing more to say right now... Have a happy day!! !

I think a lot of relationships fail because people go into them with unrealistic expectations. It's the result of an irrational NT culture which places way too much importance on love/affection/intimacy. No one has the "right" to experience any of that, and yet it's treated like a requirement for being considered "human."

^I agree with that. Sometimes it's scary what I see on what people want from their ideal partner.

Realistically I would want the same respect as I would respect my partner. I think that's the key word since I've had that priviledge abused in the past.

It would be nice if we shared some interests. I think he would have to have some creativity or a respect for it. I've seen some people really put others down for wanting to do creative hobbies....

A little sense of humor goes a long way. I know of course my sense of humor can by dry at times but I enjoy people who can laugh at something rather than get mad. I think it's the best way to cope with problems in the world.

Clean...weird but that's important. No I'm not OCD in that regard but hygeine is important.

Yes there will be disagreements as in any relationships but I like a guy who has some conversation or topic he'd be intersted in...I guess for me this is due to AS so it's probably not that important but it would help.

Able to take care of himself just as I am able to take care of myself=equality.

Other than that, I'm not sure. I could never really narrow it down to a pat since it take more than just idealogy to get into a relationship. I guess that click or chemistry.

You make it seem like the ability to adapt is bad? Lying, cheating, and stealing are maladaptive ways of getting what one wants, and they certainly dont hold a monopoly on adaptation. No one can be an island in the world, NT or AS and survive, and no one can be totally similar another person. Adapting to others in rational ways is only a construct people use to branch out to others besides themselves. It doesnt mean changing who you are or what you believe, but just being aware that others are not like you (ie not cursing around the elderly, putting on a suit in a nice restaurant, shaking hands with friendly people etc).

I agree with cursed_brunette, when referring to the ability to adapt to a 'bad' situation at least. Thats where all the awful problems on our streets come from. Conforming to those around you is fine when surrounded by saints. But when all you see is knife & gun wielding thugs, greedy maniacs who 'get on' by lying, cheating and not getting caught. OK, thats the extreme, but at the lower end we all (AS and NT) know of times when we let ourselves down by just fitting in when we should have stood out and challenged the situation.

What I would want:

Similar interests and beliefs
Physically attractive (prefer the curvy/voluptuous type)
A lot of intimacy (preferably early in the relationship)
Total loyalty and honesty
Likes to travel and be outdoors
Is goal- and career-oriented (prefer she has a master's degree or PhD)
Wants kids and wants to start a family

Last edited by Tim_Tex on 05 Jun 2008, 1:29 am, edited 3 times in total.

I want someone who I have good chemistry with, where every conversation just WORKS. The casual conversations are fun, the serious ones are theraputic, there's a mutual underlying understanding between the two of us, etc. Someone who agrees with my cynical views but also my romantic ideals. Someone who I have things in common with, a similar adoration for gothic culture and asthetics.

I want someone who will be empathetic towards me when no one else is, but at the same time knows how to tell me when I'm full of shit--in a kind way that shows she's trying to help me rather than just getting on my case. I want someone who can be honest, but say it in such a way that even when it hurts, the pain is minimized. Someone who knows how to calm me down or distract me from the things that torment me. Someone who -I- can calm down and distract from the things that torment her. Someone who knows that we're all flawed and that we just have to trust our ability to change and improve and grow with the help of the people we love.

I want someone who understands my sensory issues and doesn't make me do anything I loath unless it's necessary. Someone who won't feel offended if I don't like what she cooks, won't make me eat it, won't expect me to be at the table if she's eating something I can't stand the smell of (like Mexican food). Someone who won't smoke and inflict the smell of it at me, won't want violent sex, won't expect me to go on roller coasters or go to icky parties, won't put on music I loath, will give me space when I need it, someone who sometimes needs a little space herself...but at the same time, never being distant, always saving at least a little time to spend with me.

I want someone who will seduce me, who will approach me first, make the first moves, have the confidence I lack. Someone who will be the one to initiate the first kiss, the first make out, the first time we have sex. Someone who will dance with me. Someone who will dance for me. Someone who will hold me, love me, laugh at my jokes, tell jokes I can laugh at. Someone who can match my passion and individuality, but also my desire for love, for real human connection, for intimate pleasures with someone special.

I want someone who's strange, with quirks and eccentricities that make me giggle. I want someone who can giggle at themself. I want someone who can giggle at me and help me giggle at myself. Someone who's unafraid to be a little dorky sometimes.

I want someone who doesn't want kids.

I want someone who fits my idea of beauty. Someone who has long flowing crimson hair, and pale skin, and large eyes laden with black liner. Someone slender, but curvatious, with mangificient breasts. Someone who likes corsets and Victorian-era fashion, and fake wings and gothic bellydance. Someone who is not botherd by my fetishistic obsessions regarding such things, and indeed loves being the object of my desire.

I want someone who is like this...but is real....

Thoughtfulness
consideration
loyalty
open honesty
some of the same interests
Attractive to what "I" would consider attractive (not others)
intimacy and affectionate
Down to earth
A little sense of humor
human
few but realistic expectations
sweet
accepting,
non judgemental or hypocritical
open minded.
supportive personality
an equal partner
A sence of connection.

Last edited by aspergian_mutant on 04 Jun 2008, 6:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I would want chemistry, to feel that we 'connect', that we really bond. Some sort of similar worldview too, it wouldn't work with a girl that clubbing was her life, or a fundamentalist, etc. Some common interests, not identical interests, just a few compatible ones, so that we would always have something to talk about. Niceness is crucial, I couldn't stand a mean girl (banter is fine, meanness is not). Loyalty is vital; I don't ask for anything I don't offer.
Looks aren't a big deal because I find that if I like a girl's personality, she starts looking more attractive to me - and I don't care what others think of her looks.

Loyalty and Honesty are my main goals

I would say that is why you have a hard time with relationships. I am guy, but I would feel very overwhelmed by your expectations if you were a woman.

- shared interests such as arts, politics, travel, sports, music, ...
- idealistic and interested in the world and its events
- emotionally very strong connection (the soulmate-esque feeling)
- being there for each other at all possible moments (harbour in the tempest)
- wanting to relocate and emigrate on frequent basis
- no desire for children
- commitment and loyalty (which is demanded from both, so I would offer the same as I expect from her of course)


In other words, I will probably be without a woman for quite a while ...

Sounds good girl,
but your farther away then we can afford,
and unless age matters not too you I am old enough to be your grand father (46)
but I really and honestly do wish I was younger with what I know now.

Yes Yes I know, I am so perfict in most every way,
yes yes there is a huge line in frunt oif you,
I would let you step up even if you thought you could handle me,
but girl, I may be too much for you to handle.

Well...

Looks attractive to me(but the girls I always fall for are attractive to me so it's a given)
Acceptance and understanding(for my strange ways)
Encouraging(to push me a little)
Affectionate and intimate (who doesn't want these things?)
Sense of adventure
Likes to be outgoing with me
Wants a family(long term stuff)

ok i sorta meant what "would you do with your perfect partner if you found them", not "what would they be like". but im horrible at getting my point across, though it seems some of you got it

allot of girls seem to consider a partner an asset or a reflection of their own worth, a good example of this would be a high school formal or prom. allot of guys seem only to be interested in the physical aspect, and then theirs the more traditional view that dating is just a prelude to marriage.

but if i finally managed to approach a girl again it wouldn't be for any of those reasons, to put it in those vague terms id want a girl i can be comfortable with and will be a fairly reliable part of my life

but whatever