Literal thinking vs. Brutal honesty in AS/AS relationship

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poopylungstuffing
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03 Jun 2010, 1:24 am

I am a literal thinker. I have trouble with the mere mis-wordings of phrases from some people even though I should instinctively know what they really mean..My literal mind has to take it seriously, and then there is another mental factory that must process what was really meant by a statement...sometimes if the two sides are not connecting there can be a big glitch in the way that I think.

My ASish boyfriend has many ASish traits, but he is not as literal a thinker as I am.

A trait he has that only developed in me over time is his tendency to be brutally honest with me, and that means telling me how attracted he feels to almost every female he sees as well as his...um...tastes as far as what he finds to be physically attractive...which means extremely high standards and a good deal different from how I look. I am not Asian, I never in a million years could be a super model...We were friends for years and I guess he was attracted to me when he did not have me..but because of the way he talks, I kinda have a complex about the fact that according to his standards, he must inevitably find me physically repulsive, and perhaps the only reason he is with me is because we both have ASish traits, and despite his extremely high standards, he is also extremely shy and has extreme difficulty talking to other females.

Anywhoo...although we have been good friends for years, and have been dating for 2 years, I am under the perilous impression that the minute a "legitimately attractive by his standards" girl comes along who pays the remotest bit of attention to her regardless of her personality, he will immediately ditch me for the female who lives more up to his physical standards...as at least 90% of all females are more attractive than I am...(I am moderately photogenic with proper lightingm but I am a "little brown wren" type with a sloppy figure.

It is one of the reasons I have a lot of anxiety when we have to be away from each other...because I feel like this person could easily come along at any moment...

So this contributes to my "anxious" attachment to him...and it kinda sucks...I don't want to lose him as a friend or a boyfriend...and I cannot automatically take for granted that he has feelings for me that could not instantaneously
be wiped out, even though we have been friends for years....

Anyone else in an AS/AS relationship where differing mental hangups cause problems?



Nostromos
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03 Jun 2010, 1:56 am

I think that if his mind's made up that he wants someone else, there's not much you can do about it besides diet and work out a lot. Also, maybe you're being too anxious because guys are horny bastards, and he's just being honest about it. He may desperately want every attractive girl he sees, but you're the one he chooses to be with.

If he chooses to leave you, that sucks. But since most girls find aspie guys (even physically attractive ones) laughably repulsive, I don't know if you have much to worry about.



Ferdinand
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03 Jun 2010, 2:02 am

That sucks. Some men are like that, and there's nothing you can do about it. Sadly.

I'm not like that though. And frankly, you shouldn't put up with him. I do not believe people truly change. Cheating or wanting to cheat is not an AS trait. It is a jerk trait. If I ever get a girlfriend, I'd never do that.


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03 Jun 2010, 2:57 am

If it concerns you, talk to him about it. If he says you have no reason to be concerned, and you feel you trust him, then you're good. Like Nostomos says, guys are horny bastards, and he may well just be being ("be being"? Is that grammatically incorrect? It looks it, but I can't seem to find a better way to phrase this....) honest about his physical attractions to others. If you do have a reason to be concerned, then there's no point avoiding that issue and slowly driving yourself insane and making your self-esteem plummet into nothingness.


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poppyx
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03 Jun 2010, 7:47 am

Don't ask if he's planning on leaving you for a more attractive girl.

If he's even mildly obsessive, that will plant the seed in his head.

Every time he tells you that someone else is hot, say, "That hurts me." and walk away....or if that's too strong for you, just walk away or pretend to be interested in something else. Don't reinforce the behaviour. Do that with an aspie, and you're asking for them to get obsessed with someone else.

I made the mistake of "trying to be sensitive" to my boyfriend's (ex? He still asks me out) attraction to another girl.

He's now dating her, and she is abusing him about his AS traits.

Don't do it.



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03 Jun 2010, 9:58 am

Had a guy like this. Couldn't deal with it, even though I am friends with many more guys than girls (and most exhibit these traits as this is part of a male type friendship... so don't feel too bad he's sharing this with you)...

But I got out of that relationship because he crossed a line with it and actually did wind up cheating on me. It's hard to say, cause like I said, it's a typical male behavior to a point... And I actually like relationships where we can point out hotties to each other... but you have to draw a line somewhere, if it is making you feel bad.


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poopylungstuffing
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03 Jun 2010, 11:22 am

I have been friends with enough guys to sorta know that this is a part of male-type friendships and since I am one of his few close friendships as he is one of mine, don't think he understands or recognizes that it hurts me...also I should probably not mistake his sensory issues for revulsion...
He does have certain troubles with empathy....
I need to force myself to remember certain things he has told me...like..that although he likes to look at these girls, he hates talking to them...and though the two of us get along really well with each other, neither of us are very much like other people, nor do we get along with other people very well....ALSO...even though I think that he is terribly attractive, a lot of females apparently don't feel that way about skinny effeminate snaggletoothed balding guys with glasses...and even though I do not meet his extremely high standards, there are men who I guess have found me attractive..even though I generally would not feel the same way about them and most likely would choose to not look or interact with them..(because of the you tube stuffs, I have "fans" and get told I am pretty by complete strangers and such...

I was having a bad night of separation anxiety...and 5-year-old thinking..... i do have to battle with my own emotional immaturity on a regular basis...

Sometimes I feel the need to counter his gawkings by coming up with stuff of my own...and sometimes it will upset him....and he can be prone to jealousy too.... :wink:



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03 Jun 2010, 11:32 am

buy him an anime blow up doll. if he expresses a serious preference for it, leave him.



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03 Jun 2010, 6:28 pm

Ferdinand wrote:
That sucks. Some men are like that, and there's nothing you can do about it. Sadly.

I'm not like that though. And frankly, you shouldn't put up with him. I do not believe people truly change. Cheating or wanting to cheat is not an AS trait. It is a jerk trait. If I ever get a girlfriend, I'd never do that.


Yes. He is a jerk. I hope you find somebody who treats you better. You deserve better.



poopylungstuffing
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03 Jun 2010, 10:35 pm

At least he is honest...He doesn't lie...the lying I got from my other partner made it a whole lot worse.



zen_mistress
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04 Jun 2010, 12:00 am

Well if it helps, i saw a video of you once, you were wearing a black dress, and I thought you were pretty. Perhaps you cant see yourself the way others can. Maybe you need to believe in your own attractiveness.


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poppyx
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04 Jun 2010, 1:04 am

"Honesty" can be used to hide a whole host of meanness.

My sort-of-ex used to say things like, "Well, I just want to be transparent." when he'd tell me about wanting some other girl.

Having read a lot of the posts on here, I've become aware that there are men with AS who would NEVER say stuff like that to their significant other. EVER.

Is it "honest" or just rude?



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04 Jun 2010, 3:43 am

If it is AS, it is honest. It is probably rude too, but if so we cant help it. The issue here is whether or not to be with someone who is openly admiring others in such a way. In a way it doesnt matter whether they say it or not because thanks to Woman's Intuition, you can pretty much tell if your partner is lookng at other women anyway.


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antique_toy
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04 Jun 2010, 4:55 am

if you feel that he has genuine feelings for you and cares about you a lot, he will probably ultimately prefer you over anyone else. standards are just general "yeses" for what initially catches our gaze.
he probably thinks you're very attractive; otherwise he wouldn't have decided to stay with you for so long.



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04 Jun 2010, 5:31 am

It's very rude of him. Next time he does it, give him a swift kick under the table.

Or, in a very loud voice, ask him if he wants to take a picture.

Most guys look (as do a lot of girls), but some have the grace to be subtle about it. Just because they 'admire' someone's looks doesn't mean they have to rub your face in it.

Actually, the suggestion to look yourself might work, although it is bringing yourself down to his level.