Graduate school

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This is kind of like the college thread I posted here a while back, except it's in graduate school now. As far as prospective dating goes my situation here is in some ways similar to before in that my social life is mostly limited to my classes, I tend to have the same classmates for everything, and the great majority of my classmates are male. I have people I associate with in the residences, though so far nearly all of these are male.

So my question is this: where do the dates come from? Staying single through college I was reassured that graduate school was better for finding dates, but I can only imagine it being much more difficult.

Who told you that???

I guess it would depend on the kind of graduate program you're in, but in general I definitely would not think graduate school is somehow more amenable to finding a boyfriend/girlfriend than undergrad would be.

My mother who went through graduate school, and another woman who went through law school after. Their reasoning was that people in undergrad aren't as ready to commit. I don't necessarily trust their opinions, especially since their overall experience was much different from mine (and even if I believed them I don't think it outweighs other factors). Really I was more inviting other people to question my overall suspicions (which are that it's much harder). Also, provide suggestions on where to look or if I really should just wait it out.

It's not easier in grad school, unless you hook up with somebody in your same program. Graduate work consumes a huge amount of your time and makes dating almost impossible (it's hard on already existing long-term relationships, too.)

You're studying abroad, if I recall? I'd say just wait it out.

I'm in a PhD program, and definitely with the amount of work and time involved with the program, I've had considerably less time to go out and meet people and do stuff with them. It's probably most conducive to getting to know people with whom you work with directly, but that can be a very limited pool of people so it places a lot of restrictions on finding a boyfriend/girlfriend. It's definitely not impossible, just more difficult than it would be for undergrad.

Their reasoning that people in undergrad aren't as ready to commit may very well be true, but... that doesn't stop undergrads from dating anyway. These days a lot of folks will date without any presumption about commitment. Might be just a generational thing...

As for where to look, if people in your program are out of the question, you can try to see if your graduate school has any student associations and activities that they put together for graduate students. If you have the time, you can do some of those things and meet people from different departments and so forth. If you want to find somebody outside of your school altogether, you can join some groups in your area that may be involved in a special interest you might have. The latter is the route I did, since I got really really tired of hanging out with other grad students (that I admittedly don't really think I have much in common with) and I wanted to keep in touch with the real world, so to speak. So I joined a swing dance group and met a lot of folks that way.

Yeah, I'm in a foreign country so I might have to learn the language before I go outside the college. The international student society, besides the very slim chance of anything happening with the women on my program, seems like my only bet.

Two questions, what country, and what graduate program. I can imagine a math intensive graduate program being male dominated. You might want to invest some time in rosetta stone, I doubt you'd be fluent, but a foreigner trying to communicate in the host nation's language is more respected than one who doesn't. Most US citizens don't learn a new language, so you'd look good by comparison for at least trying.

In my experience grad school is good for random undergrads who think you're interesting and want to have a fling or something similar, but it's not generally the place where you form long-lasting relationships. Most people I know who have committed relationships in grad school were in them before (and put in a lot of effort), or ended up with someone in the same, or a related, discipline.

I tried dating someone who wasn't in grad school when I was, and it was a very rough experience. She couldn't understand why I would spend 6+ hours after work and class on an article draft or paper but couldn't often spare large blocks of time to go on dates. It's important, IMO, to have someone who you can call and share the nerdiness of "lets sit in the same room and write papers/read articles together" and have that be enough if that's all the time there is.

Netherlands, Logic

I may try to learn a bit of Dutch on my own from around November (teaching myself with some audio CDs) and take classes next year.

I found my wife in grad school.

While college isn't a great place to meet anyone looking for something serious, I'll vouch that grad school IS great place to meet a partner: By defintion, you meet someone who shares a common passion, has self-motivation, is serious about their future, usually is pretty smart, and is about the right age to start settling down.

I even walked away from grad school with ALL of the 6 people I truly can call 'friend' in my life. Plus a sh*tload of other jackasses I wish I never met.

So nearly all of the people in your class are guys, what about the few that aren't?

Have you tried carousing the Logic/Philosophy section of your school's library, specifically on Friday and Saturday nights? (those who are in the library at those times are just as socially awkward as you.. or they wouldn't be there)

What about setting up a 'study date' with a girl from your class prior to a test? I know my wife LOVES to see my vulnerable side (which, although quite private, is quite large). A study date gives you two something to actually talk about, you won't have to feign interest, as it's a subject you plan to devote you life to. After the study date, see if she wants to go for coffee the next day or something.

You've got to throw yourself out there, be just a little bit vulnerable and set yourself up for potential failure. Failure sucks, but having a chick tell you 'no' isn't the end of the world. Take it from me, I've had lots of girls tell me 'no'. The reward makes it well worth the risk.

Last edited by MunkySpunk on 10 Sep 2009, 9:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

To be honest, I'm not that sure because school usually is one of the easier places to find people. However, a lot of people seem to find dates at work places and to be honest, I don't think it's a good idea but it's been done a lot. Other than that, I suppose making friends and then meeting other people's friends or going out to places can find you people but a lot of us have a hard time with that. I think school is probably the easiest although nothing is easy.

There are some women in the class that I might be interested in but I'm not sure yet. For one thing there are many who I don't know very well. There are two issues I can foresee with the women in my classes:

1. Since the women are greatly outnumbered by the men, the women also have greater choice. At risk of oversimplifying the picture if I were to say I was of "average" desirability (which for me, I'd say, would be quite charitable), my odds of going out with any of them would already be pretty slim. So I'm not saying it's impossible, but I'd have to be very, very lucky. If I was in a female-dominated area, then I'd look at the idea more seriously than I am now.
2. If I get rejected, or even worse if I have a relationship and then break up in the middle of the year, then I'd have to be in their company for the rest of the semester. I may even have to work with them. From my experience with being rejected there are some women who are very good at pretending that nothing ever happened, some that don't want to have anything to do with me again, and some who are somewhere in-between, but I never really know which in advance. I can imagine a worst-case scenario which would involve one party or another dropping out of the program entirely, and have heard of such cases. Not so much a problem if I don't share any classes with said girl.


I might try that, but the impression I got was that it was rude to interrupt people in the library.

First, you're comparing apples to oranges, your mother was a girl while you're a guy , so you can compare your situation to what her situation was like in graduate school. Besides,you're an aspie, and she's probably not(no?). So they might be telling the whole truth but their circumstances are way different than yours.

However, she's right about graduate students are more willing to commit.




One word: Lifestyle...

Of course I imagine they are trying to account for differences such as that I haven't had much luck to date (whereas they seemed to go from boyfriend to boyfriend from their teens to meeting their first husbands), and also I'm a guy so I should initiate. But I'm not so sure they're good enough at doing that to answer definitively.

They're probably answering honestly and definitively, but women usually forget (and some are even unaware of) that men's dating game is quite different than their game....

If you want good advices, ask experienced men instead.

Graduate school to find dates? That's an invitation to disaster. You're in it for the education, or they're in it for the education. Not only that, but the education is going to cost you.

If you're looking to meet women, there are many more effective and cheaper ways of doing it.

Scientifically - find a city with a high proportion of women to men. Then enter a field there which caters to women (e.g. Nursing). You don't have to be a nurse, but as long as you know where they hang out or "get in with the club" you'll be fine.

But going to grad school to meet women? Too roundabout/tangential for effectiveness.