Apparently You Can't Be Friends With Your Ex's

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Out of the blue I get this message from an Ex GF:

I have your backgammon game you gave me. Where can I send it to?

I reply:

Well I gave it to you so you could play it. It's okay if you don't want it though. You can either mail it to me at XXXXXXXXX or otherwise I'd have no problem if you just passed it on to someone else whose interested in learning it. Can i ask what brought that up all of a sudden?

She replies:

I'm moving house again soon and decluttering.

I reply:

oh rightio, still staying in sydney or moving elsewhere?

She replies:

Sydney. So what address should I send it to?

I reply:
You can send it to the one above. Just an honest question: do you have a difficulty in talking to me?

She replies:

Sorry, didn't see that message. I'm just not really interested in conversation with exes. This is harsh, but this isn't High Fidelity and I'm not interested in the past.




Yes she added me on facebook using her cat's name so she could do just that.

Thoughts?

Yeah, the "let's just be friends thing," from what I understand (and I've only been in two relationships), is a bunch of baloney. They act all friendly to you after the breakup because they still have feelings for you, but once that feeling is gone, sorry, you're on your own. I know because I've been in one relationship where I had to break everything off (she cheated on me), and I've been in another relationship where she broke everything off (It just didn't work out). Hope that helps!

I'm still friends with an ex.

Well in this relationship she cheated on me twice and told her she had to make a choice. She chose someone else so I left.


Then years later she adds me as her cat on FB, and she posts this odds message. I have no interest in pursuing a physical relationship with her and I bear her no acrimony so I said "okay we used to have goods conversations as friends and the past is the past, if you want to talk let me know." I suspected she added me out of pure curiousity so that she could see my profile but I couldn't see hers. Any how we spoke about what we were doing for maybe 2 minutes and then she stopped. This was on Dec 10th, now today this. I don't buy that moving house crap. I would say she feels guilty but I doubt it. She just doesn't want to have something there that reminds her of me but if she threw it out, it'd be like it was her fault after all - the only reason she has it was because I never gave her a chance to return. She could've just tossed it but she kept it for four years.

She wants to return it and feel absolved.

People suck.

"Lets just be friends" Is often considered a mythological creature - But it is not totally impossible. I just got out of a one year relationship with a young man who I'd been best friends with for a long time. The reason we broke it off is because I hadn't loved him anymore and could no longer return his love. In any case, things are just like they used to be, back when we were good friends. No hard feelings.
I guess it all depends on the background you had, and how good of friends you were to each other. In this case, I can't see a friendship being formed.

Were you friends with her before you started hte relationship or no?

Yes we were. The strange thing about it all was that when she did what she did, I didn't even feel hurt and I've always wondered if I just didn't care in the first place. I think I loved her but why wasn't I hurt? She actually accused me of handling it too well and tried to blame me, like it was my fault. Even now I'm not bothered, if I was, I wouldn't have said hello. She was a bit of a negative person then and I sense that not much is changed. I think I'm better off not trying so I've just said basically thanks and so long for all the fish. She's blocked now and I deleted her little spy one too.

I love High Fidelity and like he says about his Top 5 break ups: I'm sorry, you didn't even make the Top 5. If you really wanted to mess me up you should've gotten to me a long time ago.

She's Catherine Zeta-Jones for sure and that's good because that makes me John Cusack

In fact...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojydNb3Lrrs

My thoughts are that it's possible to be friends with someone you've attempted a 'romantic relationship' with, provided it was not abusive, had been a friendship beforehand, and had not ended on a destructive note.

Given what you said, though, move on. She's more than 'a bit' negative and she sounds potentially manipulative. I'm sure she has her reasons justified in her own perceptions, and I can understand that, but I think you should most definitely just get your game back and move on, especially if you didn't feel much for her in the first place. There's just no point in any interaction, from what I can tell, and maybe that's part of the reason she's acting the way she is. Still, she's not handling any of it constructively, and most likely, she can't.

P.S. Your damn icon is seriously convincing me to go on a binge-watching spree with Sifl and Olly.

I guess my subject title is a bit harsh and in the fire of the moment. It just really got to me that she could blame me and accuse me of having some sort of midlife crisis when she was the one who started it. It would not surprise if she did it just to get to this point in order to say that line to me and feel good about herself.

Oh well, it's not all bad. At least I get my backgammon board back

Oh, no, I wasn't going by your title at all. I was going by the verbatim messages and such. The annoyance is understandable.

Are you going to watch a Sifl and Olly marathon now?

...I was just starting to forget about it, too.



No. No, I'm going to be a good girl tonight and be productive. I will not tempt my ADHD into further acts of procrastination and mental fornication!

If you and your ex started out as friends before entering a romantic relationship and ended the relationship amicably, then it's definitely possible for you and your ex to be friends afterwards. I have an excellent relationship with one of my exes; she and I were very close friends before our relationship, and we're very close friends now.

BS. if she was "not interested in the past" she would've just chucked the game away and not made so much effort after such a long time.

and anyway, I'm all for being friends with exes, nothing wrong with that.

I dated three girls before getting married to my wife of 20 years. One of them I have remained friends with. We only dated a few time before going our own ways. She is married and has her own children. The other girl I dated I lost track of after we broke up. I haven't seen her in 20+ years. This leads me to my situation with my old high school girlfriend ( Who is not my wife!).

J was my first girlfriend and we went steady from 11th grade ( 1982) to the beginning of college (Sept. of 1983). She wanted to start seeing other guys. I did not want to let her go. Had we not broke up, I probably would have asked her to marry me after finishing college. I took the breakup much harder than I should have and refused to have anything to do with her. I couldn't be around her, it hurt too much.

Well time went by, and before I knew it 25 years had passed. I saw J on Facebook and friended her. I asked my wife first, I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I love her dearly. I chatted with J via email about our families and children, we avoided talking about old times thank God. Apparently, after 25 years, I still have a bit of an affection for J despite my happy marriage to my wife. I don't think I'll talk to J anymore, it still hurts a little. It makes me wonder what might have been when I should be concentrating on what is.

My advice: If you are very much in love with the other person but yet the relationship has ended, you can't be friends anymore. Move on, find someone new, and be happy with the present.