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jerbils
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18 Jul 2008, 1:46 pm

I don't agree with this at all. If you're not gonna be yourself, who are you going to be? People should fall in love with you, not a synthetic facade. That's not to say you shouldn't try and better yourself, just don't try to fake it. Faking it does not work.



Dracula
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18 Jul 2008, 1:57 pm

jerbils wrote:
I don't agree with this at all. If you're not gonna be yourself, who are you going to be? People should fall in love with you, not a synthetic facade. That's not to say you shouldn't try and better yourself, just don't try to fake it. Faking it does not work.


He wasn't saying to fake it. Where'd he say to fake it? Where'd he come close to implying to fake it?



jerbils
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18 Jul 2008, 2:08 pm

Dracula wrote:
He wasn't saying to fake it. Where'd he say to fake it? Where'd he come close to implying to fake it?

That was my interpretation of it.



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18 Jul 2008, 2:11 pm

You people are very weird in understanding things, I thought that aspies take things literally but what I am seeing so far that most users here create their own between-the-lines interpretation a the text and post it here. Most of you saw my advice of 'Improve yourself' ='show a fake self' ???? What the f**k? most of you are native English speakers, what's the hell is wrong with you. From which planet you bring those ideas?
I said "Improve yourself' and it means "Improve yourself"! ! it doesn't means 'Fake yourself' or "Fake others" or 'flying banana' , it just means "Improve yourself"!

I am totally against Fakeness and can't even do it: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt69928.html



Last edited by LePetitPrince on 18 Jul 2008, 2:23 pm, edited 3 times in total.

LePetitPrince
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18 Jul 2008, 2:16 pm

jerbils wrote:
Dracula wrote:
He wasn't saying to fake it. Where'd he say to fake it? Where'd he come close to implying to fake it?

That was my interpretation of it.


Let me give you simple examples for the complicated minds like you who create over-complicated interpretations(which it leads to false interpretations) of a simple text.


"Improve yourself" to a fat guy who's having hard time in dating ==> "lose weight and do sports"
"Improve yourself" to a skinny guy who's having hard time in dating ==>"eat and work out!"
"Improve yourself" to a unemployed guy who's having hard time in dating ==>"try to find a job!!"
"Improve yourself" to a smelly guy ==>"Take a shower daily!!"
"Improve yourself" to a boring guy ==>"Learn new hobbies or practice on humor!"
"Improve yourself" to an autistic guy ==>"Practice on social skills!"
etc etc etc...

Where's the faknesses in all of this????! !! !! !! !!



crackedpleasures
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18 Jul 2008, 2:24 pm

Cyberman wrote:
crackedpleasures wrote:
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.

And that brings us to another completely illogical BS piece of advice which I keep hearing... "Oh don't worry... just be patient... you'll find that special someone someday." I'm sorry, but I really don't believe that... I see it as over-optimistic thinking (if you can call it "thinking.") Many Aspies are just not designed to be compatible with others... not ALL, but MANY. Sometimes you can fix that, but sometimes you can't. However, I strongly agree with you that having a "love-life" isn't worth going against who you are.


Maybe, but do you rather just stay optimistic and hopeful, or do you rather just swamp yourself in self-pity by thinking you are never going to experience real love anyway? I prefer the first option.


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Dracula
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18 Jul 2008, 2:37 pm

crackedpleasures wrote:
Cyberman wrote:
crackedpleasures wrote:
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.

And that brings us to another completely illogical BS piece of advice which I keep hearing... "Oh don't worry... just be patient... you'll find that special someone someday." I'm sorry, but I really don't believe that... I see it as over-optimistic thinking (if you can call it "thinking.") Many Aspies are just not designed to be compatible with others... not ALL, but MANY. Sometimes you can fix that, but sometimes you can't. However, I strongly agree with you that having a "love-life" isn't worth going against who you are.


Maybe, but do you rather just stay optimistic and hopeful, or do you rather just swamp yourself in self-pity by thinking you are never going to experience real love anyway? I prefer the first option.


Cyberman: Sometimes Aspies choose to not fix it, while others do.

"Cannot" doesn't exist where there is a strong will.

The human race would have been gone long ago if that were the case.



Aspie_Chav
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18 Jul 2008, 3:09 pm

jerbils wrote:
Faking it does not work.


Not logical. If you studied evolution, no animal evolves behavior that compromises their survival. It is not true animals or humans. If a high proportion of aspies fake it then it must work some times.

The it is impossible to pass on unhealthy destructive genes in such large numbers. For example a people who like putting their head into a wild lions mouth often don't get to pass that behavior to their offspring because the lion often eats them.

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Haliphron
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18 Jul 2008, 4:22 pm

shopaholic wrote:
The point of being yourself is that if you try & be someone else, eventually your mask will slip & the other person will realise you are not the person they thoguht you were.

That is why it is better to be yourself & stay single than to pretend to be someone else just to be in a "fake relationship" with someone who would not be interested in the real you.


It all depends........................for some people(like me), putting on an act frequently backfires because I dont have the social skills to pull it off in a way thats convincing to others. Furthermore, its NOT easy for me to conceal my intentions when it comes to interactions that take place IRL. Im at a loss of ideas for advice to give people but LePetitPrince is right about one thing: IT DOES NOT PAY TO BE HONEST!! Learning how to lie takes a lot of work and a lot of mistakes but its worth the effort because its really MUCH more effective at getting what you want from other people. Its true that most women wont reveal their true selves to you when you're dating them for the first few times. Have any of you ever heard the Depeche Mode song "Policy of Truth"?? Well, its 100% Correct :wink: .



gbollard
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18 Jul 2008, 4:34 pm

aspie_chav wrote:
Not logical. If you studied evolution, no animal evolves behavior that compromises their survival. It is not true animals or humans. If a high proportion of aspies fake it then it must work some times.


A good point...

Faking things must get you to the sex level at least sometimes. Of course, that doesn't mean that you get to stay in a fake relationship.



Rynok
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18 Jul 2008, 6:14 pm

Because so many of us are having kids via our fake one night stands. We trick the girl long enough to have sex and give her a kid, but not long enough to really start a family...and thus that is how the whole "Be Fake" propagates via evolution.

There is a reason that we have the term, "Fake it till you feel it".
You never hear anyone say to "Fake it till she sleeps with you, then drop the mask and find a new girl after she dumps you".

Faking it works if your good at it and you "become" it.
Similar to how people are "Party animals" on the weekend and "Hard Workers" during the week. They simply shift gears. They go home, they are the "Loving Dad". They go on a date, they are the "Steady Partner". They go to church, they are the "Perfect Angel". It is called, "Wearing different hats" commonly.



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18 Jul 2008, 7:29 pm

windscar15 wrote:
Especially for the guy who would rather read a stupid book at home because bars and restaurants scare him. For pete's sake, I went to an Applebee's in New Jersey and some drunk guys got into a fight and it was not scary but entertaining. If you admit that staying at home locked away in a room online while the rest of the world has fun is boring, then go out and have fun , simple as that. Don't waste time stating the obvious. Don't think by admitting you have a problem, it automatically makes it go away.



This is the usual mindless, lazy interpretation of 'normal' people and is exactly what I was referring to in 'have fun MY way' - bars don't scare me, they just bore me. They do nothing for me; I have no problem accepting they may be a lot of fun for other people, but they are not fun for me, just as I can accept that some people love dancing but that doesn't change the fact that it does nothing for me. Obviously the notion that I might enjoy different things than them is entirely beyond some people's comprehension, though by now I'm used enough to this that I usually don't even bother trying to explain. Actually, I enjoy going to restaurants (where you can actually hear each other's conversation), it's bars and especially clubs that bore me.


Rynok wrote:
I don't think this is true at all: "Your single because you just don't love women enough, because if you did, you'd have a girlfriend." I fail to even see the logic in that, as if women magically know that you really love women and thus you exude these pheromones that say "I'm dateable" and they swarm to the rescue like honey bees to pollinating flowers. Maybe I misunderstood.


Yes, I've personally seen men that view women with contempt, as good only for sex, that have a very easy time attracting beautiful women. I have seen the counterexamples, and view such statements as not just illogical, but as either dishonest or delusional.

crackedpleasures wrote:
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.


You seem to have much faith in this, even though it hasn't worked for you. What is this faith based on?


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traveller011212
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18 Jul 2008, 8:10 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:
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Maybe all this anger that LePetitPrince has comes out in person, and not just online. If I were a women I would run the other way.


I dunno why WP users tend to create accusations in their heads and post them here or try to play pro shrinks. I was just expressing my feeling about this advice , it's not like I go to work at morning by showing a face of "GRRRRR" " :x :" . It's really ridiculous how you people make such silly assumptions. What is here is just a written text and a written text just express a particular feeling about a particular thing, it doesn't project the whole behavior or character of the writer.

Oh you have a Sephiroth avatar!! ! ===So you are evil and full of anger and hatred and you want to kill the world. :P


I do :twisted:



crackedpleasures
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18 Jul 2008, 8:34 pm

pbcoll wrote:
crackedpleasures wrote:
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.


You seem to have much faith in this, even though it hasn't worked for you. What is this faith based on?


Well, it hasn't worked for me YET. But due to erotophobia I deliberately not make any attempts to approach females for several years. Only a year or 4 ago I finally left my iron cage and picked up a somewhat normal life again, including no longer fighting my attraction to women. Since then I have been close with a few wonderful girls, unfortunately we never became a couple but we became best friends and I felt in love. So if, despite my serious issues, still close friendships with girls developped, then I feel confident sooner or later I will have the luck something more than friendship is happening. Plus, I have seen the same with other people who also felt like it'd never happen to them, by now they are in a relationship that's been stable for years.

And be realistic: is just thinking it will never happen going to help you in any way? I have hope and that keeps me optimistic. It is the only right attitude, be patient and never lose hope. If you just lose your faith in a positive ending, then it will obviously not happen. I rather stay hopeful and positive.

I do have moments that I think it is taking so long and that the longing is strong... As long as I keep on meeting some really adorable girls (in terms of personality I mean) though, I am not giving up hope. I just see it like this: I know she is out there somewhere, all that's left to do now is to find her, but knowing she is out there somewhere can give you comfort and hope as well.

Above all, self pity never works. Believing in a positive ending doesn't guarantee it will happen, but it keeps the option available. By constantly thinking you cannot get what you want, you just decrease the chances to get it.


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Do what Thou wilt shal be the whole of the Law.
Love is the Law, Love under Will. And...
every man and every woman is a star
(excerpt from The Book of the Law - Aleister Crowley)

"Od lo avda tikvateinu" (excerpt from the Israeli hymn)


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18 Jul 2008, 11:15 pm

crackedpleasures wrote:
Cyberman wrote:
crackedpleasures wrote:
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.

And that brings us to another completely illogical BS piece of advice which I keep hearing... "Oh don't worry... just be patient... you'll find that special someone someday." I'm sorry, but I really don't believe that... I see it as over-optimistic thinking (if you can call it "thinking.") Many Aspies are just not designed to be compatible with others... not ALL, but MANY. Sometimes you can fix that, but sometimes you can't. However, I strongly agree with you that having a "love-life" isn't worth going against who you are.


Maybe, but do you rather just stay optimistic and hopeful, or do you rather just swamp yourself in self-pity by thinking you are never going to experience real love anyway? I prefer the first option.

I choose the third option: getting over it. Being "optimistic" against all reality is denial. If instead of moving on, you continue to hope for unrealistic goals, then you'll only be disappointing yourself over and over again. That causes more pain than giving up.



Rynok
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18 Jul 2008, 11:25 pm

Unfortunately, it kind of is a race against the clock. If you want kids, you gotta find a wife at least by your 40's. The chances of finding an available women after 35 is slim, so preferably you find her before then, thus making ~35 be the "clock" that you have to beat.

Also, recognizing that you are getting nowhere in your current situation allows you to look for things that you haven't yet tried that might prove more successful. If playing computer games isn't getting you a girlfriend, then perhaps you should do something besides that? Why would you say "Oh, I've been playing computer games for 12 years and I haven't found a girl, but if I play another 12 maybe I will."? Being optimistic about something that isn't going to work w/o something changing isn't healthy. It is like "I wish I was rich" while at the same time you spend your spare money on beer and women. It makes you feel better, but you don't get anywhere doing it. (What Cyberman said, he beat me to it! :x )

pbcoll wrote:
Yes, I've personally seen men that view women with contempt, as good only for sex, that have a very easy time attracting beautiful women. I have seen the counterexamples, and view such statements as not just illogical, but as either dishonest or delusional.

I know a guy like this. He uses women for sex and it works. I would not say though that it is his "ability to love women more than me" that gets him these women. He's sleeping with the type of girls I wouldn't want anyways. They want sex, he wants sex, so they hook it up and get it done. If I was after sex and advertised that, it wouldn't be hard for me either. Just act like a horny dude and you'll get attention. (Send messages on MySpace, search Craigslist, talk openly about sex and your "experiences", that sorta thing). Just because you act on your sexual instincts shouldn't make you seen as a "higher quality" male and make the women feel attraction for you. "Oh, he'll sleep with me. He must make an awesome husband! Quick, get 'em before he's gone!". Right...