I need opinions on my problem...

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I've been dating this girl I like for a month now and she likes me. But everytime I do something that is reflected from my Asperger's, she gets mad and says she doesn't get what is going through my head? I've told her about my problems and she seemed to understand it at first. I stopped going to counselling and medication years ago cause I thought I worked through it, but now it seems like I need to go back to what I haven't done for a few years now.

Is she really worth having to go through the trouble to "fix myself" like she wants me to or what? I don't know what to do.

My advice:
Nobody else can make that evaluation but you. You're the one who is going to have to decide whether she is worth it. However, I personally believe that, if she really cares about you, she'll make the extra effort to understand you. I'm not saying there aren't things you can work on-- self-improvement is a constant process-- but it doesn't sound to me like it's that healthy a relationship, if she's expressing frustration at things that are more or less uncontrollable and natural for you. It's not healthy if one person is expecting the other to be someone else, either. I think what you should do is have a talk with her. Tell her how you feel, and explain to her that you have AS, and that it's not something that can be magically wished away, even with medication and therapy (would you, even if you could?). She needs to understand that you have different needs, and that support is a major one.

However, as a word of precaution, I've never had a significant relationship myself, so you may choose to take my advice with a grain of salt.

Since I began therapy and medication my relationship with my boyfriend has gotten much better. But you have to want to do it for you first. If you know in your heart you don't need these things don't change for her.
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Maybe just see a counsellor once a week. I think most of us probably should. Just see it as a defrag session once a week. Don't just jump straight back on the meds.

Sometimes when words fail you writing is a letter is good idea, just explain your difficulties and what causes you to do certain things.

A letter can be clearer and digested better than a conversation also she can read it several times over.

I don't think it’s a good idea to go back on the meds because of this though.

You shouldn't try to fix yourself for someone else. If you think everything has been fine and you've felt good then you should continue as you are. She needs some understanding of what you deal with, buy her a book, Amazon has tons of them.

I've gotten angry with my Aspie friend over things that hurt me or I felt I wasn't being heard but I'm the one who had to step back and remember that he doesn't feel the things I do or understand them as I do. He's not the one who needs to change, I'm the one who has to develop the understanding of him.

edit: to fix the darn typos

Last edited by Butterflair on 22 Jul 2008, 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Not directly related, but somewhat... you're young. This isn't a knock, but to think in your midteens that you have worked through something that affects social interactions so drastically is premature. I'm finding more difficulty as I get older, because my mechanisms and thought processes don't jibe with those of my peer group - they did years ago, but not it's different. So I would advise caution there. With the girl - you're the one who has to be happy first. Is it having an effect to the point of impacting the relationship? Will you be happier digging through yourself with her, or continuing your current path? A lot of questions, and you're the one with the answers... good luck!


M.

I don't think it's fair to say that this is an unhealthy relationship based on a very short synopsis of your relationship problems so far as provided by you. Some actual detail should be established before that diagnosis could possibly be made. So:

A month is a very short time to have been dating, certainly too short a time to have both made any meaningful and beneficial adjustments to each others needs and/or individual personalities in operational tandam. Does she seem to be becoming increasingly intolerant of certain behaviours/characteristics or would you say that her level of frustration has stayed on a consistent level?

Could, in fact, her frustration be lessening slightly but - due to YOU beginning to become more attached to her and treasuring her more - your fear of losing her has been elicited, leading to over-sensitivity to criticism from her, which is feeding that fear - thus you're trying to preempt a loss which you are convinced is 'inevitable' because it's actually YOU who is unaccepting of yourself and feels you're undeserving of a successful relationship, and you're thereby taking her coping mechanism (venting) too much to heart and more seriously than it's meant???

One thing that COULD worry me: you and she should be in honeymoon period (where the sun shines out of each others' a*ses, thus ALL negative behaviour within an humanistically acceptable level is overlooked and excused). So this leads me to suspect that either your foibles/behaviour are not only very different to the norm and/or what she has experienced before, but also to an unignorable level. Are they? Or is it that you and she were friends before you began dating and this is why she feels relaxed enough to show her displeasure and venting without worrying that it could harm your underlying feelings for her?

In fact, WHAT precisely do you 'do' - I note you omit to say, when one would assume that descriptives were important in this instance when wanting feedback.

What I note you DON'T omit to say is that she likes you too, and you say this in a very direct and confident way akin to a statement of fact. Clearly, then, her criticisms of you or interimittent whingings can't be so vehement as to make you doubt her bottom-line feelings for you. If you were THAT 'annoying' then I'm sure she would have walked away by now. So why do you think she wants you to change? I mean, has she actually asked you in no uncertain terms to change this/that about yourself?...in which case, what are these traits/behaviours specifically?...or has she merely asked you repeatedly to cease doing something(s) that crosses one of her boundaries (- we Aspies do tend to have wider boundaries than NTs and thus end up accidentally transgressing theirs by projecting our own standards on them)?

Are you even sure it's the Aspie behaviour itself that makes her angry? Perhaps it's your attitude when she asks you to respect her needs??? Perhaps you use your condition as your Get Out Of Jail Free card, against having to make normal and expected interpersonal adjustments for the good of the relationship's long-term success???

I really wouldn't know, so you're going to have to enlighten me with a more detailed picture if you want my detailed analysis. But I think the fact that this evidently is very important to you and yet you've been VERY vague and brief, is a good indicator that communicating your feelings comprehensively isn't your forte.

But I also note that you say you've 'told her about your problems', thereby inferring she should understand how they manifest in terms of day-to-day interaction. She won't and cannot - because a description of a concept and a range of symptoms in real-life application are two very different things. Perhaps, then, when she says she doesn't get what's going through your head, she means - At that very moment in time and in that particular interactional context in respect of that particular topic/issue?

So - when she says, 'Why did you do/say that?!', do you explain how you were feeling at that moment and thereby what made you act the way you did, or do you just respond with 'I've TOLD you what I'm like!' and expect her to apply the conceptual explanation to the complex interactional situation at hand?

However, I think I've spotted another giant Scooby Clue:

Put it this way: we Aspies tend to be very realistic in our self-appraisals, even when our conclusions are less than flattering. So the very fact that you're asking everyone here 'Is it me?' indicates to me that in fact you suspect it is: I'm sure if these annoyances WEREN'T 'changeable' because they most certainly WERE neurologically-fixed Aspie traits made manifest, you would sense that and therefore wouldn't need anyone else's fortification towards your preferred opinion - i.e. whichever lets you avoid otherwise perfectly achieveable self-improvement(s) thus more hard work.

And, by the way: <<Is she really worth having to go through the trouble to "fix myself">> I would have thought that the answer to this question was equally perfectly obvious - a Given, if you like. After all, you've gone to this part of the 'trouble' already (soliciting answers from a forum); and, let's face it, YOU are the only one who would know how much effort she's worth. Clearly, then, your answer is already leaning more towards Yes. (Am I wrong?)

...Because EVERYONE has to make behavioural changes when they embark upon a relationship (her included), be they AS or NT. Sometimes the changes are asked for by the other, sometimes they're done automatically on a sub-conscious level, sometimes they're changes that we ourselves have long wished to make but have until that point lacked the motivation for doing so. Sometimes they are huge changes in isolation, sometimes a major change comprised of many mini-changes. But we all have to do them if we want to overcome the high complex process of a happy union between two intrinsically selfish egos.

In fact, I don't even think the question you've posed is the real concern. I think your real question is this: If I make more self-improvements, will it be worth it or will she end up leaving me anyway? (...n'est pas.)

Food for thought?

RSVP (if you fink yer 'ard enuff ). xoxo