Aloofness

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I'm finding that it's not easy having an Aspie boyfriend. First he gives me mixed signals, then he loses interest for a month because he's so depressed, and now that he's showing interest again, things are still as confusing as ever.

For the past three weeks I was troubled because he wasn't consistently passionate. I don't expect anyone to be in the mood all the time, but it's strange when someone can't keep their hands to themself one day and refuses to touch you at all the next. I was afraid that maybe he wasn't attracted to me specifically and was only using me, or that I was doing something wrong and turning him off.

We talked about it yesterday and I finally learned that no, it's not just me. He said he's usually not interested in sex and would prefer just to have someone's company, and that it used to wind up his former girlfriend, who would try to make him feel guilty about it. It makes me feel a lot better to know that it's not because he doesn't feel attraction for me or care about me, but now I'm wondering...

Is it common for Aspies to feel asexual most of the time and only be passionate occasionally? Or is this just a peculiarity of the one I've fallen for?

It's been my experience that feeling depressed usually leads to feeling asexual.

When things begin slotting in to place the mood normally shifts and desires are reignited.

Runs in cycles... can get distracted with fixations, or depressed. Sometimes misunderstand signals (apparently) and instead of realizing my partner wants attention/affection, instead think they want space. Communication is key. Also, I've realized over the years that I prefer a more aggressive partner who is comfortable letting me know what she wants. I have never done hints or suggestions well.


M.

Don't take it personally, Veruniel. I'm learning that we all express our AS differently, but what you describe is fairly common. I know to "not take it personally" is easier said than done, but at least knowing that that's a direction you might want to take helps, as you'll be able to get in that space sometimes.

All the best,

It's not personal, although honestly I've found people with Asperger's to be even hornier than everybody else usually.

If he's not giving you the level of affection that you desire, just freeze him out. He'll notice the difference in the attention you pay to him and try to get more from you.

Don't like this suggestion, at all - just personal opinion, but it seems like a game... and for myself, I don't do hints well. Still think that communication is best with compromise.


M.

Well, of course guys don't like this suggestion... Lol. No guy likes to be frozen out, and that's the point.

That's not my point at all, and made it previously. It is a game, which is something I don't understand or agree with. It relies on subtlety, and with one on the spectrum that is not generally an effective method of communication. It is an alternative to communication, and I think that is central to a relationship. Lastly, it is a manipulation of the trust in a relationship, and that isn't something I find attractive in others.


M.

Fine. I understand you don't like that idea, but that doesn't mean that it's ineffective. Maybe it wouldn't be effective on you, I dunno. But it's been done to me and many others and has worked. Not everything in a relationship can be solved through logic. Telling your partner "I want you to love me more" will never ever have that effect for example, regardless of who has Asperger's and who's autistic. And if you think that any woman doesn't use subtlety and suggestion to influence their male partners, you should reevaluate your outlook. Even women with Asperger's will say things like, "Wow I love (such-and-such a type of food)," and expect her partner to understand that she would like to go on a date to that type of restaurant. She won't just say, "Let's go on a date" to that place because women like to be asked out, not the other way around. And they don't like to be the one that makes the decision. They like to be led. Asperger's or not, it's hardwired into their brains.

This happens the same way in a freeze-out. If a guy stops getting attention from his partner, he'll take the initiative in seeking that attention from her.

It might work in short-term relations, but that sort of manipulation will be a killer if you want something that lasts.

Especially if we're talking about a partner that is comfortable with disengagement.

I agree. I wouldn't want to manipulate. I'm slowly getting used to the idea of having someone who just wants company most of the time, and I find I'm usually satisfied with just talking because what I like most about him is his personality, not the occasional snogging sessions. Sometimes I wish he were in the mood a little more often, but I wouldn't want to try to change him (which in my experience never works) or make him feel guilty like his last girlfriend (which just seems cruel).