Staying Single: Why do people look down on it?

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Okay, start from the beginning. Since I'm on this forum, I think you all can guess what I've gone through in my social life--much pain and isolation.

In highschool, I was always the little geek sitting and reading in the back of my class--and while I was okay with it then, I actually do regret not "living" a bit more back then. But, I always thought it was for the better. Considering I constaly heard about bad breakups, pregnant teens, and general dating-in-highschool woes, I thought I was actually doing the right thing by not actively pursuing any relationships.

But, I was lonely. I used to wish that some guy would come up to me and ask me out, or even just get a guy to like me. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me that I couldn't get a guy.

Then I got to college, and boy did I regret that wish. Had heartbreak early on, but then met a guy (another aspie, to be exact) who was a good friend--never felt the spark, so I remained "just friends" with him. But he still insisted on trying to date me and stuff. Eventually it ended up where I had to tell him to give me some space for a while. He did, and then found a new girlfriend during that time, I'm happy for him, and we're friends again.

And then after him came the creepy stalker who tried to give he his Xbox in exchange for his love, where I had to call the police on him to get him to stop following me to class. And after him came the coworker at my summer job who is three years younger than me asking me out and trying to hug me in the freezer and stuff.

So, I've decided to stay single for a while, and I'm loving it.

The problem I have with it is, in a society that says "date in high school" "get married right out of college" "have kids after that"...I've getting a lot of crap for this decision. My mom (who doesn't know I'm an Aspie) thinks that I'm gay and I don't want to tell her, some of my friends think the same, my grandma is telling me that I'll end up like her sister that never married because I won't give men a chance, and my cousin who is getting married keeps asking me if she's ever going to hear about me getting a boyfriend, because that would be "so cute".

I'm just...I dunno, kinda annoyed about how a woman deciding to stay single and not actively dating anyone is considered abnormal. Maybe I would like a nice life with kids in the future, but since I'm not searching for it right nowit's considered weird?

Is it really that "family" image presented on TV? Or has our misogynist society made everyone think that if a woman doesn't have someone then she can't get someone?

You are experiencing what LePetitePrince refers to as "singlism" -- prejudice against singles. It's not just women who get crap for being single... we guys get it as well. But it's all BS.

You really just have to ignore the people around you... their opinions don't matter, because they're not you and don't understand what you've been going through. It's your choice what to do with your life, and if they don't like it, the Hell with them.

@ Cyberman:

Well, that's true. It's not so much that it bothers me alot, it's sort of like "you said that already, why do I keep hearing about it?" and I also wonder why people should care so much.

I don't think that it is just women that have experience this. I am a single man, and I am quite happy about it. However, most of the people I know think I am crazy for not being part of a "family." Just because I don't have a wife and kids does not mean I don't have a family. I have grandparents, a mother, etc.

I have experienced what you are talking about. Well, at least from the male point of view. I am only 31, and I have had to deal with questions for the past five years:

"You've never been married?"
"You don't have any kids?"
"Are you Gay?"
"Why don't you have any kids?"

I always feel a little stranger than usual answering these type of questions. "I've yet to meet the right woman," "I've ben careful," "no, I really like the ladies (I'm frightened by other males)," and " I haven't found the right woman yet, thus I am not married, hence, no kids."

I still get those questions all the time, but I have come to a bit of an understanding. As a male looking for a female, the approval of another woman seems to be important for females. Since I am single by choice, I think that most females have trouble wrapping their heads around that idea. Since I have no children, I must have never met a woman who approved of me, which is not true, but perception makes reality, right?

I think that you are looking for answers about something that can only be explained as a fear. Most humans are not very good dealing with solitude, so the need to pair off is extremely important. Plus, there are a bunch of biological drivers. When all that is combined, being single by choice is truly a strange thing.

It is not just about a male or female, I think it is more about the species in general. Being alone bad, being in a breeding group good; that sort of thing. Remember, just because you are not making more humans does not mean you are not contrubuting to life on earth! Just ask G.W. Carver!

Breeding group?

You mean family. Family, family! One day, a man should have a family of his own. People who stay single tend do it to make a point, yes, but at the expense of much happiness. To enter spinsterhood because no man is good enough for you? Smart enough for you? Perfect enough for you? And for a man to go through life with no one at his side? Abominable. The first thing God called as ungood was loneliness, which is why he created Eve for Adam.
Even in the apocryphal sense, the story of the first days in the Garden of Eden are very true to life.


You know it to be true, girls and boys. You deny it, but deep down you know it's true ....

Well, it's not an unreasonable assumption that people want sexual relationships, nor to infer from a significant lack of desire Marnie-problems.
I mean, it's not cast iron, but it's a fair assumption and from your descriptions, it doesn't seem to throw up anything too difficult to weather. So I guess you could just ignore people when they harp on about it. That or yell at them, which would get them to stop bringing it up, but probably wont change their minds.

Ah, you raise the loathsome sprectre of the Gold-Digger. Yes, gold-diggers abound, be it cashmoney or sex or shelter they extract from their hubby hosts. Male gold-diggers abound, also. Marrying old rich spinsters to collect when they die. Unfortunely, this is human nature and there have been gold-diggers since the dawn of civilization. Funny how things don't ever really change, isn't it?

I have a lot more respect forn women than that, actually. I have two sisters. I do not accuse women of being gold-diggers just because they're women. But there are some out there. Of course there are also men who do this and much worse. I don't certainly defend them just because they're men. My father is not a misogynist, my mother isn't a misanthrope, and I was raised to respect women. A little too much, actually ... I am the most easily whippable man you'll ever see. If anything I was psychological castrated years ago.

I know people look down on single, unmarried men as well. I am viewed as being possibly gay and not being aware of it or just being a perv. Some might think I am not capable of holding on to a woman or else I am a woman hater. (which is far from being true). I feel most people are not aware that just because something is right for them doesn't mean it is right for everyone. I used to sorta feel sorry for myself because I was single but now I am gaining more acceptance for myself and my "aspiness".
I feel lonliness is the hardest part of having Aspergers. Because Aspergers is basically living in my own head in my own little world. I am perfectly content to be by myself. That is the part of me that is unique; it is also the part of me that is viewed with suspicion/jealousy or both. I can't change other people so I have to be kind to and tolerant of myself.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt67972.html ---> Welcome to this world babe, good luck.

I know how that is. Rather unfortunate, as that form of stigmatism and rejection only intensifies the loneliness rather than making it easier. People say "you just haven't found the right person yet," that sort of thing. I want to reply, but don't, that yeah, I am still holding out for that person. However, asexual guys who never want to have kids, not to mention all the other characteristics that would make someone compatible with an odd person like myself, just aren't that common. I don't know whose idea it was that it's better to have someone for the sake of having someone, but I'd rather wait for someone I really do care about and want to devote myself to. It might be a while, but at least I won't be compromising myself or what I want out of life for someone I'm not sure about just to meet social expectations.

You know, this is the first place I've read that it is "okay" to be single. And now I feel better about myself! Thanks!

I don't get the whole coupling idea. I've seen so many people take crap for dating someone they don't even like that much, it just makes no sense to me. If you haven't found the right person yet, that's all there is to it.