When ideal to tell lover your an aspie?

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I was just wondering what everyone's opinion was on telling a girl or a guy you've been seeing that you have Asperger's disorder? When is too soon? When is too late?

uhm........not right away, at least not until you are comfortable around each other and dating.

After being with my boyfriend for a couple of months, I just decided that I am going to tell him that I have AS. I have decided that instead of planning a specific time to tell him, I am going to wait for the right moment - when we're both relaxed, not dealing with sources of stress, when there's time to talk about it, etc.

Early on, when we were just starting to get to know each other, I explained my main AS quirks to him, one at a time. I explained that:

"My non-verbal communication is off and essentially meaningless most of the time."

"I have spent most of my life in my own world and only learned to socialize recently."

"I'm kind of a loner."

"I feel detached from society and much of the world outside my head."

"I tend to have intense obsessions and I'd rather read about these things than watch TV, for example, like most people."

"I need a foundation of routine and stability in my life - I'm more sensitive to change than most people."

"I hardly ever experience strong emotions. I'm very unemotional."

"I rarely bond like most close friends do - almost all of my relationships revolve around common interests, and there is a
sense of distance."

"I'm too clumsy to ride a bike."

We talked about these things as specific traits of mine. So it will basically be a matter of telling him that there is a label and diagnosis associated with it.

I wanted him to get to know me as an individual and what my specific quirks are before adding a label that's full of connotations that could be misleading.

However, I think that I should tell him it's AS soon because it will help him to understand me better, and he'll know that I'm being honest about all of the above and that it's something that can improve over one's lifetime. It will save him from speculating about what it could be and perhaps guessing incorrectly.

I also think that at this point, we're close enough that there's enough mutual trust and respect, and it's a matter of honesty.

So if I were to generalize, I'd say base the timing on where you are in the relationship (how close you are, how much trust there is, etc.) instead of the length of time you've been together. And do some planning.

If I ever decide to date again, I think I'm going to tell them on the second date.

If they break a leg bolting for the door in a fast sprint, I'll torture them with tales of some of my countless hobbies and interests while they're on the floor. If they stick around and don't run, I'll figure they're definately 3rd date material.

I'm tired of wasting time doing the slow dance, and after about 2 days around me they've normally figured out something about me isn't quite "normal" anyways.

humm. . I don't think I would be seeing a guy without him knowing . . if I wanted to be with a guy, that I am AS would have to be there from the beginning or I am just fooling myself. If a guy found out later that not only was I stranger than he knew. . I was stranger than he can know, I would have to feel comfortable enough with him that he would be ok with it by the time I got around to letting him know.

Merle

ok first of all, you need to avoid calling it a disorder.
it is a syndrome or an anomaly...sometimes it is an advantage over non-AS but not a disorder, and dont let anyone attempt to tell you that it is.

I told my now fiancee after about a month.
at this stage i decided i liked here and trusted her enough to tell her, and could accept if she wanted to leave ...she didnt we are getting married in 3 weeks...yikes.

After marriage.

I guess I might be a little pessimistic but experience shows that these things can really affect some people's opinion of you.
If they accept you enough to marry you, then it shouldn't matter if they later realize you are an aspie.

i see and advise so many couples who are in an AS/NT relationship and the common theme is from the NT woman,
"if i had of known about this i wouldnt have married you"
and a sense of loss for the 10, 20 30, 40 years they have been married they feel cheated, forced to stay for the children and it does get messy.
if they know and then marry you, it is healthier. if you know and dont tell them it is problematic in my experience and knowledge of others.

How 'bout telling them it's all PTSD and playing to their rescue instincts?

(Ducks and runs ... I've toyed w/ the idea but wouldn't stomach a guy who wants a woman who needs rescuing.)

How much of this is b/c of core AS traits, and how much is bad behavior? I ask b/c I stumbled into a forum for women married to Aspie men, and most of the worst complaints they had sounded like personality disorder issues or covert aggression.

I cringe to see AS itself getting such a bad rap, when often the unpleasant traits are a result of training that didn't know how to respond to it, abuse attempting to control sensory issues etc.

yes those forums are full of very angry disenchanted reaf frustrated women.
it is hot in these places.

For me, never. Won't have to. I only date other Aspies.

I introduce myself as someone who is interested in autism and has an autistic son. Eventually I break out the song and dance that I'm Aspie or I refer to my autistic traits. I haven't done this in a dating situation but friends. I will use this same MO with dates.

So how much of what they're blaming on AS is really that?

they are cross for a number of reasons........mainly "living a lie"
they feel cheated out of a real meaningfull and connected life.
they also feel annoyed that they have had to modify and change their behaviour so much to accomodate their partners needs.
they seem to feel cheated that when they were courting that they were happy with the level of attention they were receiving but once married they seemed ot feel ignored.

there is a lot of AS behaviour that can be attributed to these feelings. but in all relationships there is always two parties involved and a lot of these women have become so disenfranchised with their environment they are bitterness personified.

See, a lot of what I heard about wasn't Aspie - it was downright deliberate meanness by the men, which they'd probably learned by being coddled and nagged by frustrated parents. That said, the "solutions" the women shared among each other wouldn't ever have worked on an NT man.

They chased me off the board, too, which I thought was wild. I could have come onto WP, placed an ad for a boyfriend, sent a picture of Pamela Andersen, and then I'd have qualified to participate in their little partners-of-Aspies-only club. There were in fact women on there with internet relationships.

Whatever. I wish both sides would give a bit more effort and lower the blaming. NTs, please try to communicate halfway logically. Draw us diagrams, answer questions about numbers with numbers. Aspies, let's take some responsibility for how we interact; life ain't easy for anybody.