How do you learn to read people better?

Post Reply New Topic

I went on a date tonight... We went to the Del Mar racetrack to watch the races. I'm just kind of concerned... it was our 3rd date. We hit it off as usual, but when we said goodbye, I ended up not kissing her... I didn't know she wanted me to kiss her when I said goodbye to her, but I noticed how she was all kind of... I don't know... kind of distant from me.

I asked my friend who set us up, and she told me, "Don't worry about it... I've told her you are shy!" But she seemed still pissed at me. My friend told me she told her, "Why doesn't he even try to hold my hand?" I had NO f*****g CLUE she wanted me to hold her hand... There was a time when I didn't know what to do with my hands... so I ended up putting them in my pickets while we were walking down the mall.

The concern I have is that some women have the 3rd date rule: have sex on a third date if you really like the person and want it to be a relationship. Here's the deal: I HAVEN'T EVEN KISSED HER AND IT'S ALREADY THE 3RD DATE? I'm so f*****g oblivious to this stuff. I get kind of sensitive and nervous when I'm doing something like touching hands and stuff like that... I don't know what it is... I just don't really like touching people. I mean, I can do it, but my heart starts racing and I just don't know what it is. I'd rather just talk to the person and get to know them.

I'm very concerned because I REALLY like this girl. I need to tell her that. But the thing is, I never show this to her in a "physical way." Every girl I've dated, I've ended up f*****g up because simply, they don't think I'm interested in them! I don't want to f**k up this relationship like I've f****d up all the rest of mine.

Arrange another date. Don't bother with holding hands, explain to her about you and not AS in particular. I'd choose to go along the lines of, "I'm not a mind reader, as it is I find most people hard to understand as a result, relationships have always ended in a bad way"

If you think she can take the talk about AS , then tell her. Mention that your friend say to you about holding hands, tell her, "I never even knew, I never saw the signal you wanted that, it wasn't obvious enough to me"

Thanks a lot for your advice. I will use it!

keep us posted!

ha ha, I'm in a similar position myself. I went on a first date a few weeks ago and I didn't really have any idea if she liked me or not until she kissed me!

There are good books out there on courtship and dating. Some of John Gray's books aren't bad.

Generally though, going by my own past dating history, if a guy didn't make SOME indication he was interested in me beyond platonic friendship by the third date, I concluded he wasn't going to. Now back then I had no idea about AS issues - I dont even think Aspergers was talked about openly back then. This was pre internet. But although I am older than some here I think things have not changed that much in dating.

It's hard for some people to flirt verbally too. But that can suffice for an indication of interest. Compliment her on something about her appearance (a good rule of thumb is, keep it on something visible i.e. don't say "nice rack" of course, say "you look great" or "I love that necklace" maybe...whatever it looks like she spent special effort on). I hate to give stock lines to say because used in the wrong spot of conversation they can sound 'canned' or fake. But if you 'dislike touching' verbal cues can suffice instead of physical ones.

At least gear up to kiss her on the hand or cheek by the third date. Stuffing hands in your pockets can be read as 'sulking'. Which tells her you had a BAD time on the date or are bored.

I highly recommend reading books about body language (I think Dr. Lillian Glass might have some - she is an expert on this stuff) and/or taking an acting class. You CAN make a study of body language and that will also help you to gauge how your intended is responding to you on a date. It is also good for any other occasion, like a job interview etc. not only romantic occasions.

In this particular case I'd say just tell her what you said here. Tell her that you are a bit Aspie or however you want to say it. Don't get too into clinical detail it will overwhelm her probably. Just mention it briefly. OR just tell her you have a hard time opening to people physically. BUt that you really like her and hope to see more of her in the future. Ask her, "Next time where would You like to go?" All people like being asked where they'd like to go...

Popsycle-

Thanks for your advice... I had an interesting day... I called her to tell her how I felt, and she started asking me if I was a virgin... and she asked me all this stuff, and I just wasn't picking up on stuff... then I told my friend after I talked to her, and he said her telling me that she was on birth control and that she was giving me cues... and I just wasn't picking up on them... CRAP!! ! I really want her as a girlfriend... I want a girlfriend so badly, but these girls I go out on dates with don't want that... They are hornier than I am! She said she's used to guys falling all over her, and she's having a hard time getting used to someone who takes it so slow... It's funny, when I'm kissing a girl, I'm usually the one who ends it... it's like f*****g sensory overload... like I've only held a girls hand once, but since I did that, I was boiling up inside and it was a f*****g relief when I let go when we got to the car! GOD!! ! I HATE THIS DATING STUFF WITH A PASSION. I prefer to do my business by myself, and not have to deal with the give and take of courtship...

Kinda the opposite with me, I get the feeling but I rather like. Well at least now anyway.

don't think you should immediately jump in with the AS explanation...

go on another date... tell her you enjoy being around her... and find something to do where you have to sit close to her, like a movie or something. that would make it easier to hold hands

seems like she's interested , since she seems concerned that you may not be interested in her... think your mutual friend can help too by telling her you are interested too.

just enjoy the initial awkwardness

Hmm. What do you want exactly from a girl then? Have you clarified it in your mind? If not - then it's no wonder they are confused. Once you have clarified what you do want as opposed to what you don't want, you can find ways to communicate those wishes. You say you want a girlfriend "badly" but are you sure you don't actually want a companion? And nothing physical? Just asking.



Women who are very attractive or sexy and are used to tons of attention without trying will always feel this way. They simply are not used to NOT being the center of attention and 'guys falling all over' them. However she does sound interested - but mainly in something physical.

It could also be that she simply knows no other way to approach a guy other than to flirt with sexual innuendos or sexual offers. She has learned that her sexuality and attractiveness are what guys want. She may have not developed other pastimes or hobbies or interests beyond this. You two could learn something from each other in different ways and be good buddies if nothing else, if you both have patience and understanding. She could learn how to be a regular person without the sexual beacon flashing all the time. And you could learn how to handle a sexually aggressive woman. And how to insist on boundaries you are comfortable with. (For instance, how to subtly cue when you are done holding hands.) You two can practise being a new way, together, if you both wish to.

This is all why I like to know the woman before dating her...