how to get my wife to initiate?

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My wife won't touch me. I don't know if I smell, if I need to shave more often, if she doesn't like sex with me but she never initiates anything romantic with me. It's always me who has to make the first move and even then she's most likely to say something like, "I'm tired" or, "I'm sore".

She can't honestly be sore and/or tired all the time!

Maybe I should pay her more compliments or something.

Kinda makes me want to find physical affection elsewhere, ? ...Kinda

the only solace I take from it is thinking or imagining her thinking I'm too big for her, y'know ?

have you asked her why?


Merle

Try cooking a great dinner for her, seems to work for me, it might work for you

I've jokingly hinted around it in an obvious kind of way

"I told the doctor that if the medicine causes sexual dysfunction, it doesn't matter because I'm not getting any anyway."

She says those kinds of comments make her feel bad.

I'm afraid she might not find me attractive.

That sort of joking around is not taken as a joke to her, and it just pushes her further away. If you don't ask her directly, you probably are afraid of what she is going to say.
if you honestly give her the space to say it and not razz her about it afterwards or toss it back into her face when you get mad at her or something.

but in a moment of truce, for the good of the marriage. Make that dinner for her and take some time alone and just talk. And do not think that you are going to 'get some' even if you do talk seriously to her. And don't be disappointed if you don't fix everything all in one conversation. It didn't take over night to get like this, and it will probably take more than one conversation to get over it.

try getting cozy with her, ask if she wants a back rub, or if she has sore feet rub them, it may not get results you want, but it helps to break the ice. It might take some time to re initiates a relationship

Ok, this might sound a bit weird but instead of oozing around hoping to be noticed, tell her straight.

Well actually, write her a letter, telling her what you've told the forum. Be sure that you mention how much you love her and ask her if you've done something wrong - or if you could be doing something better.

Ask her if she "doesn't like sex" - and why - does it hurt, not satisfying? Give her some other options - it doesn't have to be sex... Finally, explain that you feel a bit under-valued - don't threaten to seek it elsewhere but make it obvious that you're feeling left out.

Hopefully, she'll write back - but give her time to do so... Maybe drop the letter off before you go to work.... and probably bring flowers home that night.

Also... make sure that you finish with a profession of love and respect. Tell her that it's ok if the truth hurts you, that you'd rather hear the truth and learn what you need to do to fix things.

I'm going to agree, this is one of those times that straight out honesty would be good. Keep it simple, I love you, I want you and I'd like you to initiate sex sometimes. If she seems put off ask her why?

Then tell her how it makes you feel. Women love that sharing of feelings. This is something that really needs to be talked about before you go looking elsewhere which will stir up a whole lot of trouble you probably don't want.

Last edited by Butterflair on 27 Jul 2008, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My mom says that when a woman keeps saying she has a headache, it's an excuse. A headache once in a while is understandable, but all the time means she's making excuses, and sex is supposed to alleviate headaches. If she really is sore and always has a headache, why hasn't she seen a doctor about this? Are these headaches interfering with other areas of her life? A chronic headache could mean something serious is wrong, or she could be suffering needlessly from something easily treatable, unless she really is just making excuses.

The cause of chronic pain can get worse, and the pain can become more difficult to treat if one neglects to treat it. The pain itself can cause life threatening problems.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_re ... n_syndrome

Is it the norm that the man in a married couple should always be the one to initiate things? Isn't this sort of one-sided drama supposed to subside when people begin trusting each other and when a relationship between two mature people is declared legitimate?

What is she doing when you're not with her? My cousin had a fiancee who would make excuses for not going with him to family reunions and other places, and when he would get back the place would be trashed, broken windows, missing money, etc. When they broke up, a month later she was engaged to someone else. Go figure.

Compliments are nice if they're geniune, but don't go overboard and try not to make yourself look needy, even if you are married to your partner. If the real problem is that she doesn't feel attracted to you, then supplication probably won't work. The attraction instinct is strong in most people of both genders because nature has selected for it. Unless she's nearly asexual (and most aren't), those feelings of attraction have to be going somewhere.

Don't do anything to make anyone believe you might be looking elsewhere while you are married. Keep your integrity. If someone is looking elsewhere while you're married, it isn't going to be you! Don't blow all your money, keep yourself in good shape, and above all, don't cheat! If a marriage ends in divorce, a whole gang of lawyers, psychologists and judges becomes involved, and at times these people can behave very unfairly and unprofessionally despite their job titles. Your integrity may be your only defense against them at some point, so you must maintain it to deal from a position of strength no matter what happens. Brace yourself, for your marriage may already be in more trouble than you realize.

Last edited by sgrannel on 27 Jul 2008, 11:23 am, edited 5 times in total.

I have been married a couple of times. Please also realize sometimes it doesn't work out, either. I know that might be why you are so hesitant to ask her forthrightly. It is so much easier than dragging it out, though.

Good luck however it works out.

Merle

Women do genuinely get headaches more than men- many women, including myself, get terrible headaches associated with menstruation, for example. It's not considered 'pathological,' so there's not much a doctor can do about it. Fortunately for me, chugging 'vitamin I' works, but not all women are so lucky. And, no, sex does not always work to cure them; sometimes they're so bad that even the motion of turning my head is excruciating - bouncing up and down would make me scream. So don't assume right off that she's lying.

I agree with the poster who said that you should write her a letter. Tell her what you've observed and how it makes you feel, and ask her what you could do to make it better for her (the headaches and/or the sex).

Letter? It's a coward way, she won't appreciate it.

It's her problem only in initiating sex or she's showing a lack of enjoyment during sex? If it's the latter then there's something wrong but if it's the former then she might probably just like you to initiate stuff or she's just too shy to initiate.

QFT. I don't know why I see letter writing listed so often as a solution. A letter is a one-way conversation that tells the other person:
1) What you think
2) You don't want to talk to them about it face to face.

Only reasons I could see for #2 are that you don't care what they think, or you don't have the guts to have a face to face conversation. If you need to write something down, fine - but use it as notes for a real conversation. You should also stop the joking around and be serious about it.

Depending on one's communication skills, a letter can be the most effective and complete way to express one's self while preventing an intense immediate emotional situation that can be overwhelming. While letter writing may not appeal to the two of you, it is absurd to knock it for everyone else. Generally speaking, if I do write it is explicitly stated that I want to talk but need to get somethings out first so that I can listen rationally. Just how I function at times.


M.

I have found a cheap compostition note book to be helpful in such situations. You both sit at the table and one of you writes something down in it and hands it to the other person. Then they write something in it and hands it back to you. It goes on until someone says something or no one says anything. Like I said before, these things don't always work out. Not saying it won't, just saying life can be difficult.

Merle

^^ For Baal's sake, this woman that he's talking about is his WIFE! She's not some crash love from another high school. They live in the same house! Lack of communication is not excuse , if the OP has a sever lack of communication skills then his wife certainly knows that already and already used to it.

Ok, I am going to imagine myself as a wife doing some cooking in the kitchen ...and suddenly I find a letter on the fridge:
"To Dear wife".

Awww how romantic, it must be a flirting letter!!

I open it and read it : ".....I told the wrongplanet how sexually cold you are..."

WHAT?? THis bastard!! **taking my rolling pin*** , DIGGGGGER!!



Ok back to my masculine side before I become gay or effeminate , grrr ......grrrrr ...oh uh, GRRRRRR GRRRR.!..Ok I guess am male again.

Only a face-to-face conversation may solve this issue.