Friend Zone thread

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Any aspie (hell, any man, regardless of AS status) that has tried to enter the world of dating has invariably encountered the Friend Zone. We all know of it, we are all annoyed by it to some degree. What I want to know is: Why does it exist, and why is it used so extensively by women (and some men too, although as a man I'm addressing this at women) as a means of exclusion?

It's confused me for the longest time the way women will use "let's be friends" as a means to reject someone in a relationship (instead of just saying "not interested" or even the more politically correct "you're not my type"). It seems to me that if women don't want to date someone, they can just tell it straightforward so that the man can more easily get over her and move on, instead of giving him false hope, thereby potentially getting rid of some awkwardness later.

It's also confused me the way women that have known men for a long time (and a "long time" varies for each woman; sometimes it can be months, in other cases 10 minutes) are phobic about entering into a relationship with them. They keep choosing instead to rush into something with a man they barely know, and then keep b***hing about how said man used/abused them.

What I want to know is: Why do women keep acting that way? Why does the Friend Zone have to be this impenetrable barrier? I'm all for being able to have friends of the opposite gender, but since attraction develops over time for me as opposed to being instant, I want to reserve the option for trying something later on...

</rant>

I can't believe no-one's ever told you this, but, almost every woman I've asked about this has said it's because friendship usually lasts longer than a relationship, and even if they were interested, being friends first means they have a lot to lose. They don't want to risk a great friendship for a romantic relationship that might not work out.

How so? To me, a romantic relationship is merely a friendship + intimacy. (Not necessarily FWB; I'm talking more about emotional intimiacy than physical). I define a friend as someone I wouldn't mind associating with for the rest of my life. Likewise, I define a romantic partner as someone I wouldn't mind romantically associating with for the rest of my life. Eventually, once we were both comfortable with it, we would add sex to the equation (regardless of whether that happened immediately, over a span of time, or never).

Anything that is transitional from the start is not worth my time imo... even if someone moves far away, I still stay in touch with them over phone or online. Granted, having the long-distance romantic relationship isn't that practical, but I would still remain friends...



Which raises another question: Why do breakups have to be so dramatic? That goes back to my first point: If you don't want to be with me, say so. It doesn't have to involve drama. If you don't want the romantic relationship, just say so, so that both of us (or at least one of us) can move on in life. If the drama surrounding a breakup isn't there, then the ex-partners can at least still remain friends. It might be awkward for a while, but even that will come to pass (and besides, I'm perfectly comfortable with awkward, so it's not even a hindrance to me...) I'm still good friends with all of the women that I've considered myself attracted to at some point and admitted it to, so it is definitely possible...

I only really have time to answer one question.

Why do breakups have to be so dramatic??? Because they're sufficient to end the relationship, otherwise there wouldn't be a breakup. How many relationships have you been in, out of interest?

I can't help but wonder if saying "I like you as a friend" is just a polite way of saying "You're ugly." I'm not entirely convinced that a girl has this "timer" on how long you have before you can make a move (unless, of course, some other guy makes a move first.) I have a feeling that in many cases, the friend-barrier was always there, even before the guy became her "friend." And I have heard of a reversed situation where the guy just wanted to be friends but the girl was hoping to be more than that.

Also, it's possible that after hanging out with you as a friend for a while, the girl knows you well enough to know that a relationship with you would never work out. And there's an advantage since they don't have to find this out the hard way, unlike with fast relationships started with guys they hardly know.

I think it's entirely possible that the concept of the "Friend Zone" was conceived by some guy who didn't want to admit that he's unattractive, and the only success he had was with "fast women" who had low standards.

By my own definition, none. By the rest of the world's definition, one . It was with this girl I met while doing theater two years ago. We both knew that once the show was over, we would be geographically separated. Rather than deal with the implications of long-distance relationship, we ended that on peaceful terms (without any of the drama). We're still friends to this day. It was only after we ended it that I realized how much I missed her, and that's why I now say that anything transitory is not worth my time. I don't want a relationship that's going to end.


That's why I don't rush headfirst into a relationship before getting to know the person in question. Way too many people (of both genders) do that, which is why divorce lawyers now make so much money...


No doubt the term was invented by a man you're describing, but women have been using "let's just be friends" as a subtle means of rejection for too long.

Yes! That happens a lot too! It happens to me.

The friend line is probably used because they don't want to hurt your feelings because they DO like you as a friend. Nothing ruins a good friendship than taking it to to a romantic level. It's hard to go back when you break up and most women can't handle it. It takes alot of time to heal. Being a good friend can be forever, being romantic might be short term. Though I believe that good relationships are built on a good solid friendship. Like a foundation. I don't believe in "never" as in we'll never be more than friends. I think things can always change under the right circumstances. You also can't keep your feelings a secret if you love your friend, we don't read minds you know.

Break ups get dramatic because there are emotions involved and if the female is hurt and angry, she gets emotional. While it's not awkward to you, it can be for someone else.

This still strikes me as being the most likely explanation.

I really do wish girls would just say "you're ugly" and be done with it. It will hurt more up front but at least then I'd know I'm ugly and should not be even trying to find someone.

Girls would'nt say "you're ugly" because girls tend not to judge by appearance. Real answer would be "You don't interest me."

When it comes to the Friends Zone argument, I just can't for the life of mine repeat enough how much I hate it. My experiences of friendships has been so frustratingly negative that I don't want any more of that form of social interaction. It's either love or nothing. If a girl's response to my feelings is "Couldn't we just be friends?" it equals no social relationship of any kind. Period.

Unless they're psychic, blowing you off instantly has to be based on physical appearance. They don't know anything else about you to not interest them.

Maybe Aspies define a friendship as a deeper thing than most NT's do?
So the 'friend zone' for a NT girl would be broader compared to an AS person?

Sometimes I think just asking a girl for a relation would be better than asking her to be friends?

JohnHopkins is probably right, I wouldn't want to lose a friend if a relationship with them failed. Its better to have the guy as a friend, as soon as you date it can go wrong and lose eachother completely. Well, thats my thought on it anyway, always best to stay friends.

And yet people keep parroting the line "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", especially when I tell them of not going after a complete stranger...

Well, which one is it? You can't have it both ways as*hole... (not referring to anyone in particular, just the general group of people that keep repeating that line to me)

I wish I were in the friend zone again. Then at least I could have female friends.


Heck, I wish I had friends, period.


I go to all sorts of groups, but no one ever seems to want anything to do with me outside of those groups. It's frustrating. I've been here 6 months, and unless one of the groups I'm attending meets that day, it means that I'm completely alone for that day.

I don't even have friends at work.



I need to stop being an emo b***h.

Relationships can and do end... nothing is permanent in nature, and few things are even so constant as to remain through a lifetime. Sometime, we are fortunate... but without risk, nothing can be gained. Without the risk, you would have never gotten to know her to learn what you were missing - it's a tough road, when the only guarantee is that you'll go somewhere with no guarantee of the destination.


M.