TWO girls I'm interested in on a dating site-what do I do?

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(I'm using a second log in for this post just to better hide my identity regarding this, since my normal username is similar to the one I use on the dating site.)

This is a bizarre problem-for me at least!

I've been on a dating site for a few years now. I actually did briefly date someone from it a few years back. There was nothing wrong with her, but we just weren't a good match. (This site lets you take tests and things that help show your match percentage, and it turned out she hadn't taken many yet when she first contacted me, and our percent just kept dropping, and in real life there were some issues.)

I haven't dated in two years, and I kind of have a lot of requirements that to me are hard to come by, because I just don't want to bother with a relationship that can't work/go anywhere (I don't want to be involved with someone just to be involved with someone).

Anyway there's a girl on there I've been talking to for a few months, who seems to be a lot of fun, and have a lot of similarities with me. She's politically liberal, loves movies (many of the same ones), seems like a nice person, seems like an introvert/isn't out "partying" or whatever, etc. (She even owns game systems, even if she's not really a big gamer.) We actually exchanged phone numbers last week. I'm horribly shy about these things, so would have had trouble calling anyway, but now have another problem...

ANOTHER girl on there contacted me a couple of weeks back, and we ALSO seem to get along really well, and have a lot of shared interests. It turns out she worked where I work briefly years ago, though she now lives an hour or two away (the first girl lives in the same town). Also (and this is terrible), the second girl seems to be perhaps a bit...err...kinky and sexual, which (while I’m 100% monogamous and have very little experience in that regard) could turn out to be a fun thing down the line... likes board games too.

BOTH girls have actually scored in the 90s to 100% on the site's matching test with me (which is MASSIVELY higher than anyone's ever come before).

So...I have no idea what to do. I feel like I’m cheating by talking to both, which is crazy I guess, since *technically* I’m not really sure either is interested in me. I would have tried calling either one if not for the other at this point, because I really enjoy talking to…both of them. It’s so rare for that to happen, and then for it to happen at the same time basically, it’s so weird and confusing.

They both now basically everything weird about me, though I don’t explicitly say on my thing that I don’t have a college degree or fancy job, which could end up being a deal killer for one or both for all I know (I just haven’t explicitly said anything about that, though I hopefully haven’t accidentally given the wrong impression about any of that).

I'd appreciate any advice or feedback you guys can give me. I'm an idiot when it comes to these things. My normal thing would be to just do nothing because I can't figure out a solution to this.

Ooh, are we talking about okcupid? If so, I'm still waiting to meet someone compatible on there. Ok, here are my opinions, as a girl.

First, you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling like cheating. Testing out different compatibilities, that's the point of "dating". Obviously the more you test out, the higher the chance of finding someone who is more compatible with you.

What do you want? Do you want to take these interactions offline? I think meeting them in person would help you figure out who you're more comfortable with. Also, what's the worst that could happen, that you make a friend? You say it's rare, so if I were you I'd take the opportunity to at least ask them if they're interested in going out for coffee/tea/whatever. If a sweet Aspie-ish introverted guy that I found attractive and whom I have had good online conversations with for two months asked me out, I'd be so unbelievably stoked. Can you tell if they like you, i.e., have they commented that you're cute or anything like that (assuming you've got a pic up)? If I'm interested in a guy, I at least tell him eventually, in some way or another, that I think he's sweet or cute and hope that he reciprocates the comment.



I wouldn't assume it's a deal breaker. Sometimes, dealbreakers are flexible and vary with people. For me, a dealbreaker is smoking and I wouldn't bend on that. BUT there are a couple of other things that might be a dealbreaker in one person and not in someone. For example I recently fell for a guy who is so different from the types I always thought I liked..and just because he doesn't fit this ideal criteria I had in mind just means I broadened the types I thought I liked. Things I generally don't find appealing can be very appealing on the right person!

Date them both and tell that person about what's going on, I've never had as many as 2 on a site like that, but honesty as far as that may be compelling. Just tell them, you want to try dating them both to see which ONE you would prefer.

I may have no idea what I'm doing, but I presume they may like your honesty

Exactly if you're meeting them from a dating site they should expect you to be looking around - they are.

um i wouldn't. i'd be really put off if someone did that to me

I'd say try meeting them in real life. Sometimes what works over the internet doesn't translate to the real world. Just meet them on the basis of wanting to get to know them rather than serious dating maybe.

I would say that you stick with the first one, the introvert. You already said that you have a lot in common, how she's politically liberal, enjoys the same movies as you, and shares various interests with you, etc. Here is the thing about introverts, they are stable, they are not prone to be erratic or crazy like extroverts can be, so there is that stabilizing factor. As for Miss Kinky, I would be cautious of those types. The truth is that she is into passion, and not the things that really make a relationship work: commitment and intimacy. Passion + Commitment + Intimacy= Perfect Love, but commitment and intimacy is the glue that holds a good relationship together, passion is just a bonus. Yes, it might be a nice fling and exciting, but in the sense of what is best for you in the long run, I'd say the introvert. Although opposites attract, supposedly, it is a dangerous game to play by dating them, they might get bored with you and move on to someone else.
This is my advice, the choice is ultimately yours, but I hope my wisdom has helped you make a good choice

I don't think it is doing anything bad to you they don't know you yet, it's only getting to know 2 different people so you can see who you get on with the most, I really don't think the very first meeting of 2 people is a real date, obviously if someone starts playing both people at once that is wrong and totally I agree with you if that is what you meant.

Dating is all about trying to find someone who is right for you and if you think 2 people might fit the bill what do you do? Go out with one and miss your chance with the other who might have been absolutely perfect - a match made in heaven? That would be a real missed opportunity.

Yes! That's the site! Hee hee, it's a fun site.



They've never said anything quite like that, but I'm pretty sure they both like me-at least they both do for sure just to talk to me, and I suspect both would be interested in trying more. (I do have pictures up, though they're really terrible...I...can't stand pictures of myself so I just tried to find semi-decent ones.) They both picked me for 4 or 5 star looks and personality matches at any rate, and our matchme tests are as high as I've ever had with anyone.

(And thanks for your other comments too )

Thanks for all these responses guys! I...what on Earth do I say to either of them? I would call the one who's phone number I have right away if not for the other, and would have asked the other if I could call her too if not for that. I just feel bad about calling and not admitting that there's there other person I'm potentially interested in. Of course the one is 80 miles away, which makes things harder too.

I actually sort of had this same problem two years ago when I last dated. That was the last time I found anyone on there, and there was a really nice girl who lived a long ways away, but we had a really high match percentage, actually did talk on the phone and seemed to get along really well and have similar views on things (and...well I'm normally not forward about these types of things...but she asked, and I think had very, shockingly complimentary (somewhat) kinky areas of interest ), but this other girl (who turned out to not be that great of a match) was closer, and asked to meet and things like that, and I didn't know what to say to the other one who I probably would have gotten along with great, and I screwed that up...hopefully not hurting her in the process (I mean we'd only spoken on the phone and by IM and stuff, but still).

I don't want to hurt either of these people, or myself either obviously. I've even prayed about it a few nights in a row-something I don't do all that often-just hoping for guidance

it is nice to hear that you want to be on everyone's good terms and not to hurt anyone. But the reality of the matter is that if you chose one girl over another, the one who is rejected will be dissapointed. However hearts were MEANT to be broken, to teach us a lesson so we can learn from our experiences.

The thing is, I think they're BOTH pretty introverted (the first, closer one I think probably more so than the second one). They're BOTH liberal, they both seem to share a lot of interests. They both seem to share a lot of my sense of humor. They both are fun to talk to and seem like genuinely intriguing matches (and both scored 100% the last time they took my match test it generates for me), which is the highest anyone's ever done. I'm possibly talking a bit easier with the second one over IM, figuring out things to say, possibly just because she's a bit less introverted(?) It's just I noticed from all her responses to things on the site (and a bit we've talked about) that she seems to be more into sex and areas of interest related to that...not that that's why I'm pursuing any of this, it's just ideally I'd like someone geeky (into my types of interests), morally compatible, a best friend, and someone with a sex drive that's anywhere close to mine wouldn't be objectionable
Of course you never know-it could be the first one actually would be similar given the right circumstances).

All of this probably sounds nuts to people who know what they're doing when it comes to dating. I mean I'm seriously thinking about "how would it be to be in a long term relationship with this person" with people I've never actually TALKED to on the phone, and feeling like I'm sort of being dishonest. I'm just really, really clueless and easily hurt (and scared of hurting others). It's why a lot of the time I think I should just never even try to date...but then I really WANT to be in a committed relationship, have a partner in crime (so to speak), and of course the 3 letter "s" word is a bit of a driving factor, given that I'm a guy (Though don't get the wrong idea, I do *NOT* want someone just for that, and honestly would prefer to just be with one person...if I could find them).

I forgot to mention that I was actually up until 3am last night on IM...with both of them. Not intentionally, but I just ended up talking to both, and unfortunately I think I was the reason both were still up (and I was only up because of them). I genuinely loved both conversations, love talking to both of them (and it's rare I seem to click with someone like that).

I felt scummy though talking to TWO girls like that, the other not knowing about it. I've even TOLD both that I'm confused about...something.

(And how bizarre to go two years with no one of interest, and then get TWO people who both seem really neat!)

you are wise to seek a relationship with a girl, it is foolish for anyone not to seek the comfort of romance if their body yearns for it. The Bible even mentions it, Paul in 1st Corinthians said "If you're single, like myself, that is good and fine. But it is better for a man to be married than to burn with passion". I'm not speaking in terms of marriage, but in the sense that the lonely need the comforts of the opposite sex, as friends first and foremost, and romantic interests second.

I've been single longer than the majority of you (with some exceptions, as there are those who have been single longer than I), and if anyone is credible to speak on the matter of loneliness, it is I and those who have been single longer than I. 21 years of being single really shows you the nesscesity of love and why humans beings need it so. Without romantic affection, you are prone to shyness, anger, depression, and dissapointment. The latter can stem into anger and being discontented for long periods of time, even to the point of rationalizing your loneliness by using sweeping generalizations when talking about women, saying "they are all petty and superficial, and the only thing that matters to them is looks and nothing else". Then you begin to think "Why should I care for women, when they never gave a s**t about me?" and ultimately stop caring.

So from my personal experience and looking on your situation, I'm glad that you are taking the initiative with these two girls. And please, don't flatter me and say that I'll find a girl someday, you will sooner see a pig who can fly than a girl who gives a rat's ass about me.

Well I hope that can change for you The last time I dated was two years ago, and really before that it was close to 10

With these girls...do I tell them about the situation? Just not mention it? Like I said, I felt a bit scummy last night to be talking with both in a fairly deep way (not phrasing that right). What do I say to them?

(Darn, there was something else I was going to ask, but I forgot.)

No, just date both of them but there's no need to tell anyone of them what's going on , they won't either. First date is not a commitment , the girl is a still a stranger to you and it's not her business to know everything about what you do in your private life , first date is more like an interview or a test , you can have many candidate and no candidate needs to know how many competitors there are.
In second or third date, you might be able to pick the one who is better to you and to stop dating the other....but don't succumb in the feeling of pity , dating must be a selfish process.

The thing is, we've already shared probably more than most people do on a first date, and I feel...wrong not telling them somehow. I don't know, I've probably messed this all up, 'cause I don't know what I'm doing