Friends first or relationship first?

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I am sometimes told you need to start off as friends with someone before a relationship can happen but on the other hand, I've been told if you don't express relationship interest, you will be immediately put on the path to the "friend zone". I am very confused by both views because both sides are very vocal just like with other conflicting views.

I actually used to hope being nice to the girls at school would lead to relationships but they always ended up with someone else and I was always wondering what I did wrong. When I looked up advice or asked for help, I was given links to websites like Heartless b*****s International and was told things like "Nice guys finish last." and it made me feel even more depressed because it was like I was being told I needed to do things like pump iron like crazy, indulge in substances to excess, call girls "b*****s", and physically harass them just like the "bad boys" at school did.

That was almost 12 years ago and I am still as hopeless as I was at 17.

I think either one works as long as people are honest and don't expect any particular outcome. What doesn't work is expecting that treating someone like a friend will make them develop romantic interest and make them reciprocate romantic feelings.

Then things become unpleasant when one person thinks they were offered friendship and enjoys that approach, just hanging out, doing activities, and talking without anything more, and the other one is waiting for romance to blossom and getting frustrated.

You can be nice to people without developing platonic friendships with them.

Relationship first.

I used to have trouble becoming intimate with close friends. It was quite devastating to me as I really wanted things to work with these people, but there was the whole "it's like kissing my brother" thing. I've gotten over it now, and don't have a preference either way, but I'm guessing my problem is a problem some other people have, so friendship first won't always work. On the other hand, I know people who won't get into a relationship without being friends first, so relationship first won't work for them.

I think the more important question is - what works best for you? If it honestly doesn't matter either way, then you'll just have to see which approach fits best for each person you are interested in. I don't have the secrets to figuring that out, though. I personally just go with the flow. Sometimes I won't be interested in someone until I've known them a while, so it's a friendship first situation by default. IMO the downside to that is it can make it trickier to spark up something romantic. I'm a lot less nervous and awkward if I don't know the person well.

I am almost 30 and it feels like social opportunities get fewer and fewer to the point it feels like people around me don't want to make new friends since they already have enough. This further hurts my chances of getting a girlfriend if I want to go through the friends route. The relationship first route is too stacked against me. I just want to kill myself sometimes.

If you and a woman establish a nice friendship, there's always the possibility that she might want "more," and you might want "more."

Relationships that are "friendship first" usually are more quality than those which don't start with a friendship.

If the woman senses that you deliberately became friends with her only because you wanted to romance her, the deal is probably off. Women feel that this is "deceiving" in some sense.

There is no easy answer to this.

Sometimes, being "friends first" is better. Sometimes, it isn't.

If trying for a relationship isn't working, maybe try making some female friends. Even if the friends you make aren't interested in taking things further, they might have friends they can introduce you to or whom you can meet through them who are interested. So long as you go in without any set expectations, it can't hurt.

I think which ever one works depends on the girl & the circumstances. Me & my 1st girlfriend were close online friends before she told me she liked me. I would of never considered a realtionship with her & wasn't really wanting a realtionship with anyone if we weren't friends 1st. I wasn't really friends with my 2nd & current girlfriend before we got in a realtionship thou. I was really lonely & they were willing to give me a chance. I did/do feel like they were/are my best friends thou.

I would say that about 95% of the time, men and women can't be just close platonic friends. Usually, one or the other (or both) want something else out of the relationship. If people believe otherwise, they are deluding themselves. You mentioned honesty. The only problem with that, is that usually one, or both people aren't being completely honest with the other person, which means the whole friendship is false, and is built on a lie. Always be honest, and make your intentions clear from the beginning. If you just want to be friends first, and maybe move into a romantic relationship later, say so. If you are romantically interested, make it clear that you are. If you only want friends, make it clear. This will save both people a lot of frustration, and wasted time down the line.

That's another issue I struggle with. A lot of the women in my area tend to keep to their own circles and tend to have "feminine" interests because gender roles are heavily entrenched in the Bible Belt. Some don't even have male friends because their boyfriends/husbands won't let them.

I agree with the first three sentences.

Short and simple: friendships are easier. Friendships ARE relationships. I’m a friends first guy all the way.

The problem with making your intentions that clear is you end up alienating someone who could have been a great partner OR you frighten someone away before she has a chance to get to know you. Odds of any meeting turning into a relationship are actually quite low. Going straight for romantic relationships is going to get you frequent rejections—no different than otherwise, but at least you don’t have to go home crying because she “just wants to be friends” when there’s already another guy she’s interested in. That may be reality, but hearing it won’t make you feel better.

A girl who is interested in YOU, on the other hand, is going to be interested whether you reciprocate or not, whether you think you’re just friends or not. Those are the ones you’ll get a “yes” out of every single time. The odds of that happening increase exponentially the more MOOS you have as friends. And it’s no sin for friends to get together for something casual. The more you meet up, the closer you are, and the closer you are to a relationship. So asking a girl like that out on a date is a no-brainer.

It's luck of the draw really. Sometimes once you've been friends with a guy for awhile you like him more and more and you want more with him, and sometimes you're very comfortable being friends and you don't want things to change and that comfort to go away. But if you aren't ever friends, sometimes you might fancy the guy, but sometimes you might not know him enough as an acquaintance to form an attachment to him. So don't overthink it and just do what seems natural for you two I guess.

Begin your relationship on strictly platonic terms first, then you and your SO grow in it.

This is probably the most important point made. Really it's just luck of the draw. Some people (as already mentioned in this friend) get that "sibling" vibe from being friends with someone. Others get more into you over time.

In short, if you're meant to find a partner you will. If you don't, you were meant to be alone. We can't escape our fates.

The task is to find the right girl. If she will be attracted to you, it will not matter if you met as friends first or not.


Sibling vibe is when there is no romantic attraction. It does not matter how you meet.

Me & my 1st girlfriend felt a sibling vibe but there was also very strong romantic feelings.